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User Topic: Explaining to older children who ask questions...
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How did you explain to the older children what happened to cause discord in your marriage? Or a separation?


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how old is older?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A 17 year old who was 13/14 when shit started to hit fan and 16 when we originally separated. He is now 17, and WH and I are back together trying to reconcile...


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is s/he asking?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8087 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, a lot, so much so the school counselor has brought it up to me.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell them the truth. That's what you want to model for them, right?

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, yes, yes! Not telling when questions are asked will create so many foo issues!!!! Please do not lie.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, no, no.... We are not going to lie. I would like advice, please, on how much to tell, and how it should be worded? Anyone? I am not planning on lying or brushing off the subject. When he asked, I told him I would like to talk to his father and that I would come back to him with an answer that would be respectful and suitable for his age...


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My boys were 12 and 9 when we separated. After their first visitation, 12yr asked what Dad did to hurt me. I said "you need to talk to Dad". 9yr popped up with "It's so obvious. He cheated on her." From that moment on, I promised my boys that I would tell them the truth if they have any questions. As we started R, I talked to the boys constantly, making sure that they were ok with it. And just like I had conditions for his return, so did the boys.

Kids today know what "cheating" is. Especially teenagers. I would be as honest as possible without the gory details. Since you are back together, I would suggest talking to him together though.

Something like "Dad chose to go outside our marriage and become friends with another woman. This caused problems within our marriage and we chose to separate so that we could both clear our heads. Now we are back together, trying to build a better marriage for us and a better family for you. Please understand that you had absolutely nothing to do with any of this and that we both love you dearly. We may still have arguments occassionally but we are committed to making this marriage and this family whole again."

Then let him ask questions if he wants to.

Good luck!! And lots of hugs!!


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At age 17, he's close enough to being an adult to have a factual adult conversation about what happened. I don't think you have to volunteer everything but I think you need to be open to answering his questions honestly.

Posts: 1736 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVE how you worded that TXBW68. I am honestly not the best at wording things, and WH has been dodging the question...So, I know I need to have a conversation with WH and let him know I am going to speaking with our son and answering questions. I know that once I make that announcement that he (WH) will be anxious and I want for him to know and understand that I do not wish to throw him under the bus, nor do I want to lie to our son. It can be a very challenging and tedious thing, balancing....


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 201 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always encourage people to make sure they emphasize that they chose not to allow their spouse disrespect them, and that it was necessary for you to show your children that it is important to always have respect, and truth in any marriage.

Whatever has happened to allow you to get back together you need to demonstrate the changes your spouse has made that he is now giving you the love honor and respect you deserve.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have teens, and MC was emphatic they be given the truth. Older teen got the gist of it minus the gory details. Younger teen got " dad violated mom's trust". When they ask more questions they will get more answers, to a point. It is perfectly acceptable and appropriate to say there are details that are beyond their need to know.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 13

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