I don't believe that contacting the OW gives them power. It is how you carry yourself and how you approach it that maintains power. But if silence makes you feel more powerful, then go with that.

I would go with RockyMtn on this. I found SI a year after DDay...did some things right and some wrong.

My H had 2 OP, both unmarried. I instinctively knew that contacting OP1 would be useless.....she had no remorse, wanted to replace me in the worst way. I never bothered. But the 2nd one was different.....I knew I could get info out of her and I did. It helps (hurts?) that I knew both of them and their personalities. And although it was extremely painful at the time, in the end I am glad I got the info she gave me, no matter how it was slanted to make her look like a victim.

My H was a great one to put things in boxes and then 'forgetting'. So using her info, I was able to get him to 'open' some of those boxes.

It's really an individual situation, one you have to be comfortable with. There are some OPs that just need and RO!!

That being said, now that I know for sure who I am dealing with, I'm not feeling the need to check him constantly. That will make him relax a little, too, and that's how I found out it had gone underground in the first place. Plus, I have receipts and CC statements I can check right here while I'm still home.

One more ANYTHING and I am gone. I've done so much for him and his (our) son -- and his son's mother STILL treats me terribly even though I bend over backward for her, too. The thought of being DONE with all of it actually appeals to me. I think he knows that.

If there is a next time, I will know EXACTLY what I need to do, because I have all of you at SI on my side...something I wish I would known about when this came to light six months ago and I was holed up at a hotel.

You are all wonderful, and I pray for all of us every single day! Thank you!!