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User Topic: Got my answer...now what??
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I now know (for sure) who the OP is. She is single. What do you do as far as verifying WS's account (he says it was EA only) when there isn't another spouse to ask? Would you contact the OP, whom I've never met, or would you just move forward with what you've been told?


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Aug 2013
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were you I wouldn't contact her or tell him. I would do more digging.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1529 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

More digging


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree...dig more.

Its something I wish I had done when I found out. Instead of confront w things I knew wait until I had a whole wealth of knowledge to confront.

Good luck


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's nothing I can dig for. Everything has been deleted, and only the two of them know the extent of the EA. The only reason I got the email copies I got were because WH had to search his server at work.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Aug 2013
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got my answer...now what??

I'd have him take a polygraph to very the truth and then go from there.


Posts: 13353 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not, I repeat, do not contact and "rely" on the single affair person. They have no reason to be honest with you, they live a fog of their own, and you give them a power that they do not deserve.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
Truly
♀ Member
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Well, I am the wrong person to ask because I would assume there's more.
But I would go quiet and wait. Over time more comes out, things don't correlate, lies are revealed.

Wonderful people on here say 'Trust but verify!' That's hard when there's no way to verify.

So sorry, not knowing is the worst


There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens


Posts: 230 | Registered: Sep 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can retrieve deleted texts, phone records, install a keylogger and/or use a voice activated recorder in his car.

Where there is a will there is a way. I did not stop until I found what I knew was true in my gut and I struck gold with the info I found on them (WH and MOW). I straight blew their sh*t A into oblivion.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
In R
"If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth." -Carl Sagan

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazyblindsided, his phone records are through his work and are not retrievable. The emails were all done through work and are on that server, which I don't have access to.

Befuzzled110, I thought that might be the case...that contacting her would give her power over me. She knows I know about her, and I like to think my silence is MY power. HA! Like I have any power in this.

Truly, I love that "Trust but verify." I won't feel guilty anymore for verifying everything.

The A is over...so WH says. I didn't find this site until well after D-Day, so I didn't get to be involved in NC. I don't know if it ended when he said it did. I didn't even know for sure who the Hell OP was until I made him find me SOMETHING to prove who it was, because I was losing my f-ing mind and couldn't function. I got that last week. I was just wondering if there was a way to "trust but verify" when there is only one casualty. I guess Lieshurt's suggestion of a polygraph is the only way...but he'll never agree to it.

Ugh...I hate that he has NO CONSEQUENCES!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Aug 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not, I repeat, do not contact and "rely" on the single affair person. They have no reason to be honest with you, they live a fog of their own, and you give them a power that they do not deserve.

Agreed. I contacted the OW to see if she would verify my wBF's story. She did. She said it was only one night. And then he confessed later that it was more than one night. So they both lied to me.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 732 | Registered: Jul 2013
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raven96... I say this because of personal experience. OW1 of WH was single. When we separated that is where he went. At one point during our six months of separation SHE came to ME and did nothing but gush about how graceful and calm I was, how I hadn't flipped out or contacted her. I looked at her and said she wasn't worth my time or energy...just as she felt I and my children hadn't been worth her consideration. It felt wonderful to know that all the assumptions she had about me (put there by WH complaints) were blown out of the water. And it felt good to be the bigger person. She did try to have a conversation with me to stir the pot, so to speak, but she just kept lowering her standards and looking ridiculous. Because SHE WAS A LOW DOWN PIECE OF SH**!!!! And, I am not. I have a feeling you are not either.


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, Lonelygirl10 and Befuzzled 110. I will move forward with only what WH says.

Now that I know the truth about WHO I am dealing with we can return to MC; and hopefully the doubt will begin to subside. He is being very transparent. He knows that I have scrapped the 15 years we were married and removed my ring from my finger because I feel like every single aspect of this marriage was a lie. Despite this, he texts me hourly and doesn't hesitate to do the things I need him to do, i.e., calling me from his work phone when he goes in early or emailing a picture of where he says he is at that moment. He does everything I need him to do, all the while knowing that my decision to stay is subject to change at any given moment (and my mind does change daily).

Because of this, I have HOPE that we will survive. I know that I am one of the luckier ones with his efforts, and for that I am grateful. I was just looking for a way to verify NOW rather finding something out long after we do the heavy lifting and rebuild our relationship. I guess I have to start that 'trusting him' thing with this.

Thank you to everyone that weighed in. I truly appreciate everyone's opinions!!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start to dig thru financial records -- credit cards, ATM withdrawals, etc. Pay special attention to dates surrounding the emails that you did get your hands on. Look at every single transaction and determine where and what the business is. I was able to pinpoint the start of the PA by doing this. Also pay attention to large ATM withdrawals that are out of character. For example, if your WS has always taken out $100 at the start of the month, but in a couple of months he took out another $100 in the middle of the month then assume he used the money for the A -- meeting for dinner/drinks, flowers/gifts, or hotel room.

If your gut is screaming that there was more than an EA or it went on longer than your WS is telling you or that there is more to it than he is telling you, then assume that your gut is correct. And start to check his phone and email every day. Unless his work requires secret security clearance, then he should be able to access his email from home. Same with the phone. For the email, you should expect the deleted folder to have some messages, email that is not important such as a company wide announcement of an org change that does not affect WS and/or stupid stuff like "Donuts in the conf room". If he deleted folder is always empty, then he is likely clearing it out so you cannot see what is there (the company may automatically clear the deleted folder, but probably not on a daily basis)


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17275 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much, Dreamboat! I will look at the ATM and CC bills. I do all the finances, so I should be able to find anything out of the ordinary. He does have a CC in his name only, but all the statements are here, so I can check that out, too.

This falls into my NEW, guilt-free concept of "Trust but verify!" SO thankful to Truly for telling me that one!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Aug 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had trouble with timeline but gave details. We matched these up with our lives and what we spent and were able to confirm timeline. He never spent money on it aka psycho bitch. We also used historical weather records to confirm some cuz he knew clothes and general temps. It helped me greatly to get confirmation.

I would never consider talkin with ow cuz they lie are unstable and it gives them attention. It is nothing and deserves nothing incl negative attention

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:08 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 cheated after 32 years of M with CL moneygrubbing whore
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Brokenhearted18
♀ New Member
Member # 39453
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your husband has voice mail at work get his password so you can check his messages. Also get his password for his work email.


You can not adjust the wind.
But you can adjust the sail.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: S.California
RockyMtn
♀ Member
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that contacting her would give her power over me. She knows I know about her, and I like to think my silence is MY power. HA! Like I have any power in this.

I don't believe that contacting the OW gives them power. It is how you carry yourself and how you approach it that maintains power. But if silence makes you feel more powerful, then go with that. My point is simply that contacting her doesn't automatically give her power. I met with OW and there was nothing in the way I approached her that was powerless or begging or anything. Plus, I didn't really care what she walked away thinking/feeling. She was irrelevant in my life, except as a source of information. While she may lie, she may also tell some truths. In my case, I was able to glean some info through the lies - there were certain things she said that lined up with various points in time (that I was able to recall) and it was a lightbulb.

Anyway, I think it is fine not to contact her - everyone has to do what feels right.

The VAR is a great idea. If they are still in contact - or communicating in order to get their stories straight (even though she doesn't have a BS, she may want to protect herself at work, etc.).

Good luck.


Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 664 | Registered: Oct 2012
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes dig dig.. Also get his calendar and look at text or emails to ATM and bank statements looking at when he went out lunches dinners weekends... Also if the A went underground you can hire a detective. I so wish I had not confronted my WH until I got PI and had the goods on them.. I would have been in a better place if I decide to D.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lieshurt's suggestion of a polygraph is the only way...but he'll never agree to it.

If he won't agree to it and follow through with it, then you know he's still lying to you.


Posts: 13353 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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