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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 5 months in and extreme anger!?!?
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never been angry like this! I want to scream and call him horrible names and the same with OW (although calling her names is not new :)

I have had 2-3 weeks of peace for the most part. No real anger or sadness and nice open discussions about the A. He has been doing everything right and even past non-A behavior has drastically changed.

Then last night I had what I thought was a small trigger. My 15 year old was freaking out at a pimple on his lip that he thought was a cold sore. He asked H who said "if that's a cold sore stay away from me. You get those by kissing dirty people". I then turned to my son and said "and sometimes you kiss horribly dirty people and luckily don't get them".

I spent all night trying to sleep but
was just so hurt and angry at the thought of him kissing her. That bothers me so much more then the sex for whatever reason and it has turned into such anger today. I have always expressed my anger to him in a calm way but this is so different. I want to tell him what a horrible person he is and how he disgusts me. I want to ask him how it feels to have kissed someone who was NOT me when he is the only man I've passionately kissed in 17 years!

Ugh, I have worked out, read my bible, prayed, etc. and am not feeling much better. My 7 year old spilled her cereal this morning and I snapped at her and feel so bad. I need to get a hold of this.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dallas2
♀ Member
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try and keep the snarky remarks for the H ears only, if possible.

Do not be to hard on yourself you are still relatively new to this rollercoaster ride. Congratulate yourself on the 2-3 weeks of peace. At 5 months out I was still losing my hair and weight.

This is a different type of anger he has turned your life upside down. I am glad to see you taking care of yourself. Have you tried journaling. For me it was a safe place to vent I wrote whatever I was feeling and I am sure if I had verbalised many of those feelings to my H I would me D. Sometimes you just have to get them out and release them from your mind and heart.

Again 5 months is still very new to this rollercoaster and the stages of grief can switch rapidly. Anger is only one of them. Denial, acceptance, anger, depression, and bargaining(I think).
The day will come when there isn't so much anger and hurt. Is your FWH trying to you help with any of this? ARe you in MC and or IC? I feel both can and do help.
((Hugs))


Me

Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God help me....I relate to where you are at.

I have RAGED at my wife like I never thought I could rage at anyone...I never even raged like this when I was 17, full of testosterone, and physically fighting hard with guys in high school. I have literally made our bedroom windows shake. I have gotten so close to my wifes face while yelling.....ugh. So not pretty.

Truthfully it took me 3 months of weekly IC sessions just to get in touch with my anger...that is how repressed I was regarding my hurt and pain.

It scared the hell out of me then. I have accepted that it is a part of me...always has been...I just kept it hidden...for several reasons. First, it is ugly! Second, my FOO issues surrounding fear of abandonment didn't allow me to express this....after all, I was afraid I would be abandonded even when I was doing "all good" and "being nice". So I worked against myself in many many ways.

Back to your post....this is normal, this was a necessary step for me. The key is to feel it without immediately expressing it. Dont beat yourself up if you aren't good at this at first....weren't good at riding a bike the first time you tried either.

Try and accpet that you will fail to keep your RAGE completely under control and that you will succeed in hurting your spouse. But you will get to a better spot. It does get better.

I had a dinner experience recently at a restaurant where you basically sit in a circle around the chef. My whole family was there...and who completed the other half of the circle? My wifes AP, his 5 kids, and his wife! talk about a time to feel RAGE!!!

But I didn't. I was peaceful. I actually was sad for all involved. Sure I was still upset that adultery is a part of my life experience now. But I have processed through the RAGE stage. I am not bragging...I am using this as an example that processing through this can be done. If that same experience happened just 2 months ago...I doubt I would have been so peaceful about it.

I read the bible, pray, exercise too....it all helps. But time is an ingredient to this recipe as well. Unfortunately, you can't rush this.

You are doing well. I have not followed all of your posts, but two key facts jump out at me with this one post of yours.

First, you recognize how negatively your anger is affecting all of your life, not just your relationship with your husband.

Second, you are proactively doing things to change this.

You are doing well. I hope your husband is doing his part. But I have learned this really can be processed on your own, and in some ways it is only on your own that you can process through this.

Keep the faith.

p.s. My RAGE started about 4 months out...and lasted 2 months. I almost hesitate to include that part for fear you will start the timer...NOW. And if in two months you still feel anger you use that as evidence to D. I still feel anger. I think I will for a while. What I am doing differently is not reacting so violently to that feeling. KWIM? In my case, I had the emotional maturity of a 12 year old...that is where the personal growth and change is taking place in me...and is why my wife has very little role in facilitating that change.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is normal. At 5 months out,the shock starts to wear off and reality sets in. And you realize..he did this..he REALLY did THIS...and you get angry..beyond angry.

Try to find some way to channel that energy in healthy way..exercise..get a heavy bag and put a pic of OW(or WH) on it and go to town.

I raged for more than 2 years...until one day I realized I wasn't as angry as I had been..coincidentally, it was also around the same time WH came out of his fog and removed his head from his ass.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7137 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try to find some way to channel that energy in healthy way....
get a heavy bag and put a pic of OW(or WH) on it and go to town.

I did this. I don't know if it was healthy but it felt goooood.

My anger/rage stage was brutal. I had to have EMDR therapy to help with my emotions and triggers and that was the most positive for me in moving forward.
Journalling helped too. Spewing all the venom out on paper.

PrincessPeach, it's normal and IMO, better to get the anger out than keep it bottled in and then redirect it towards your kids. Hopefully the rollercoaster will start to climb again for you soon.


Growing forward

Posts: 1755 | Registered: Sep 2011
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

I spent an hour cleaning my younger girls room and putting their summer clothes away and the distraction really helped. I feel almost 100% better toward H now (as in I don't want to flip out on him right now) so maybe my earlier prayers were answered. :)

No IC or MC right now. We did some counseling until August but I didn't fully like the counselor. Then last month they thought my DD had appendicitis and ordered a CT scan which was $6000 and wiped out the $1000 we had in our health fund. So until January at least we are on our own. To be honest I have found self help books to be tremendously helpful. Also H and I read a book together about marriage/infidelity and then talk about it.

H just wants to see me better. He is very good about listening and being there for me but I know my moods tend to bring him down.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(PP06))

I raged in month 5 and 6 too and I had a 5 min outburst at the conference 4 weeks ago.

At some point you will exhaust yourself and find more peaceful days then note. But yes, what another poster said - keep those comments out of ear shot of the kids even if they don't quite get it...they feel something is up.

Good for you for going to town on the room. I go to the gym 3x week and it helps. If I can't make the gym, I walk. I have also punches pillows! I also took scissors to a shirt he wore that was the object of a lustful note between them.

Just recently I decide to tackle a spot - if not a room - to tidy up. I did nothing for the first few months after D-Day so these chores with intent help.

Also...take a look at the quote that pewpewpew put up today.

Hugs,
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 to 6 months is when I found the anger really kicked in, mine lasted for a loooong time... basically it only eased off at about 11 or 12 months. Brace yourself... it's going to be a heck of a ride!


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
Ambergray
♀ Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have felt like this all weekend. It just seems out of nowhere I trigger and all of a sudden everything is fresh and raw again and I am screaming and calling names and lashing out. I think one if the hardest things for me to deal with is the injustice if it all. There's no real way to get closure or always see just consequences and that really angers me. It's like they go off and gave their A and we are left dealing and reeling from it. So unfair.


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ambergray
♀ Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also wanted to add that during the A I obviously didn't know about it, so I had no voice. But now that I know, I have a voice and fully intend to use it. It's like the me "now" is defending the me "then." Not sure if that makes any sense.

[This message edited by Ambergray at 4:12 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in extreme constant anger for about 7 months. That has passed so I'm of the belief that this has stages.

I still get angry and frustrated but I'm finding better ways to communicate it and handle it.

My H doesn't handle things perfectly but he is trying very hard and I give him credit for that. He's never cheated b4 and had no clue of this aftermath we've found ourselves in. And the fact he had an A means he has some issues anyway.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Everything you feel is normal.

You will feel every emotion, and then some.
Let it come and go...
It does go. I promise you that. With time, it all gets easier.
But, you always need to address these feelings. Talk with OS.
Share with him/her.

I can tell you even at 15 months out - I still am at a standstill. I feel you never 'recover' but you do feel a new 'normal'.

As long as you have a remorseful spouse AND address these feelings, anything I'd possible.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Jan 2013
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for posting this and for all the responses. My rage just started over the past week. One honest conversation with H today where he actually showed emotion has softened it a bit. I know it is there lurking but for now it's at bay.
Had a great IC session tonight too. I realized I don't feel comfortable expressing my anger so I hold it in and it just builds and builds. Definitely going to try some of these suggestions for healthy releases.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 828 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have had episodes of anger since the beginning. it comes and goes. i actually had a rage day today also.

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 14

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