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User Topic: I don't think I want him....
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Sad  Posted: 7:09 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a MC session from hell yesterday. The counselor belittled me for not being on an anti depressant then I sat for 45 minutes and listened to WH cry and say "She needs to see I am hurting too." Then he decided he'd go to his individual counselor and then he was full of apologies and promised to not blow up again when I share my feelings (he's the one who threw his wedding ring at me the other day but told the counselor he was throwing it at the wall).

I am absolutely numb today. The only thing I am feeling is that I do NOT want him anymore. I do NOT want to fight through this when I should not have to fight through it. I did not deserve this. I don't deserve to have to put my life on hold for someone who didn't respect me and claims he does now but one minute he is respectful, the next minute he is defensive and pissed.

HE says he wants an set of guidelines to be drawn up to help hold him accountable for how he reacts to things. I don't want it because I feel it will be a way for him to say "You broke our agreement!" all of the time.

Not only that but he will not do the timeline for me of his affair so why should I agree to some sort of guidelines fr our reconciliation.

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 7:09 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HE says he wants an set of guidelines to be drawn up to help hold him accountable for how he reacts to things.

Does this mean so that YOU have to hold him accountable? Not him holding himself accountable and setting boundaries for himself?

You know you don't have to stay in this relationship if you don't want to.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 7:16 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know anymore. after the last three days I don't know what his thoughts are on this. I've been the one that has had to initiate converstaions about the affair. I've been the one whose had to deal with his numerous breakdowns and crying fits...I have become his mother and his counselor and his therapist all rolled into one and when I told the MC this yesterday I got the whole "that's not your role" but then she is not the one dealing with a petulant child who follows me around the house and begs me to tell him my feelings. I have had to drag this whole affair into the light, beg him for information, ask him for a timeline he won't give and I am sick of it. I want my own life that does not invovle being his freaking baby sitter.

He says yesterday: "Being in the house and seeing her in pain is my penance. It is what I have to do to understand what I have done to our family." I am so sick of my pain being used for his healing. Are you serious. i totally snapped and screamed "I don't give a flying fuck about your penance."

I mean...seriously???? You like to watch me scream and cry and be all upset so you can feel like a martyr...so you can feel like you are working through the realization that what you did was wrong? What kind of warped idiot says that?

Guess what....today I am not going to cry and I am not going to care and I certainly am not going to express pain over what he did to me MAybe what he did to me just shows me that what I do NOT need is HIM.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Being in the house and seeing her in pain is my penance. It is what I have to do to understand what I have done to our family." I am so sick of my pain being used for his healing

Wow.

It sounds like he's just shy of directly asking you to maintain a life of codependency.
This sounds very unhealthy for both of you.

180 is a good idea. He isn't helping you heal and he surely isn't helping himself right now. Time for you to take care of you.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow sounds a lot like my H. He is the one who damaged the marriage but gets mad when I am angry and upset. I feel the same way. I fought so hard for a long time to make my marriage work and I just don't have the fight in me anymore. We have to start thinking about ourselves first and do what will make us happy!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would be really difficult to R with a ws so selfish. It's all about himand how YOU make him feel. He effed up, why are you having to listen to him whine about feeling bad. I think I would look for my own IC and a new mc, if you even want to R.. Sounds very manipulative too. You don't owe him another chance. It's your decision to R and its yours to walk away. He can't take that choice from you.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4932 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex was always defensive when I got angry and never told me the truth. He put the OW above me and our children during the A and after DDay, and wasn't willing to own his shit.

This is why I don't want him anymore. Who would?

It sounds like you're partner is not willing to face the truth and take responsibility for his actions.

Only you can decide what to do and I hope you can find some peace when you do.

Sending you strength.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HE knew...He knew that the teenager OW's family took in may have been impregnated by OW's H. he knew and yet he was still planning to go visit or stay with her or whatever 10 states away. I can't believe I married someone who didn't even think this was screwed up. He dragged this disgusting shit to our doorstep. I don't even want to be in the same house with him right now. I am so disgusted. He doesn't even seem to get how messed up that is. {edited to add: we have since talked and he says he didn't know this right away. However, I pointed out that he was continuing the affair and would have if I hadn't discovered it...therefore it was as if he was condoning it. By then the affair was an EA as she was 10 states away. I believe now she was 10 states away because child services were looking for her husband because had gotten a child pregnant! That child is now living in their home with a newborn baby! WHen I pointed all of this out it seemed to hit him full force that he wasn't facing this as head on as he thought he was. He was very calm and said "I'm going to call our pastor and ask him for guidance right now. I'm thinking very hard about what you have said. I really need to think about what you have said and I hope he can help me work through this a bit."}

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 4:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It might help for you to tell him to draw up his own list of accountabilities and measurements/performance indicators.

If he does, there may be hope for R. If e doesn't, it's another mark against him.

After he gives you his list, add your requirements. I can think of 3 requirements right off the bat:

honesty and answering questions about his A,
a timeline by a reasonable deadline,
a release signed by him that allows his IC to discuss his goals and progress

Also, if the MC belittled you for not being on ADs, s/he's got a big problem. What did s/he actually say? Meds are something you choose to do, and whatever you decide is OK, but someone may have strong opinions that differ from yours.

I agree that a W shouldn't be an H's mom, therapist, or babysitter, but - sad but true - if that's what he wants, it's up to you to keep yourself out of those roles. What sort of help do you need to do that?

Above all, if you don't want him, that's your choice. He doesn't sound like R material right now, that's pretty clear.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honesty and answering questions about his A,
a timeline by a reasonable deadline,
a release signed by him that allows his IC to discuss his goals and progress

I agree with this, except maybe the IC thing. My counseling sessions are a time for me to work through my feelings and find solutions on how to handle them. I'd like that to be his "safe haven" as well. MC is our counseling, IC is our individual counseling. That's what I am thinking anyhow. DO you think that's a good way to look at it?


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 10

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