Our kids are still young and I know that it would be "best" for them
I have thought long and hard on this one because we have two young daughters. While there is some merit to staying together for the kids I think of it this way. Wouldn't it be nice if both of us were able to overcome all of this and grow a true intimacy, a healthy marriage? Wouldn't THAT be best for our kids...to model that behavior? This could change our family tree.
I married a 13 yo boy.
I suspect our FOO coping mechanisms effectively kill our emotional growth at what ever age we develop them. What 12 year old can emotionally process the fact that his Dad disappeared from his life upon his parents divorcing? On their own they cant, the don't, that is where they cope with it but don't deal with it. Coping are masking skills, not growing skills. In my case my Moms only conversation with us boys was the....Mom and Dad simply cant get along....talk. Why he disappeared so completely from our lives was never addressed then. My wife witnessed an alcoholic Dad belittle and demean her Mom....they divorced but did not have the emotional maturity to process and grow through that either. She developed coping skills then too...stopping growing at that age level too with regards to how she interacts, or refrains from interacting, with other people. That 10 year old girl still exists in her...telling her to...WATCH out, if you try and connect you will get hurt. My 12 year old boy tells me.....WATCH out, people will abandon you, you better do do do to keep them valuing you.
As I see both my wife and I growing over this past year we had to start with seeing where we were really at from the beginning. Both her and I acted, in some ways, like that 13 year old person.
My best friend whom I have confided in regularly this year has shared with me how he acts within his marriage...and he, too, is a 13 year old in some ways.
NOT ALL WAYS....not saying any of us are childish. I am just thinking that in a few key ways we never matured past that 13 year old kid. KWIM?
Its just a theory. Regardless if that theory holds water....I have definitely matured this past year, as has my wife.
Not so much so I can date but just so I don't have this cloud of uncertainty hanging over me.
I, too, wonder about this....if my wife can change what she is working on, if when we both change can we make our marriage work, what if we change at different paces....all speak to uncertainty. How I reason staying now is;
I have faith we can create a marriage unlike anything we imagined before.
We are both changing, so our marriage is changing. Need to give this time to see what comes of it.
We do love each other.
We love our daughters.
We love God.
All other people have issues too. Right now I am with a person who is actively growing and looking at herself. She is with a man that is doing the same thing...the odds of developing true intimacy I spoke of are simply better with my wife. We already have many, many stories shared between us over the past 20 years of knowing each other.
That last paragraph is not very romantic of a reason to stay. I am fine with that, even though I am a romantic at heart. Romantic love is that fun love we had when we first met...when anyone first meets....what I could have with another woman tomorrow. I think there is forever room for this in a relationship.
If I were to D I could enjoy romantic love for quite a while with another woman...but the whole while I would still thirst for true intimacy. If I D at this point I would wonder many what ifs surrounding this marriage.
Kind of a run on response...I know.
Peace be to us all.