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User Topic: Online affairs
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone out there been in my situation. For 20 years my H has on and off gotten involved in online affairs. Have never caught him in an actual affair. But am hurt and angry just as much as if I had. And after 20 years I am ready to give up and throw in the towel. I don't believe he wants to change or he would have already. I just don't understand if you claim to love someone how can you continue to hurt them?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Tawnie. Sorry you had to find us, but glad that you did.

I personally have not had the experience of dealing with online affairs, but many here have. I hope some will be along soon to give some support and advice about this particular situation.

I just don't understand if you claim to love someone how can you continue to hurt them?
What is your H doing to show you he wants to change? Does he deny that he is having these affairs?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its the age of the computer and all the sick affairs that are created from the mis-application of all this technology. Its getting so bad I swear no-one will actually commit adultery in the next century; it will all be done from their lap-tops.

Your WH isn't going to stop at this point; file and see if that wakes him up, but be prepared to leave if it doesn't. You shouldn't have to live with this insulting behavior.


Posts: 1691 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is doing what he always does, he tries to suck up and say things he thinks I want to hear. But at this point I am shutting him out cause I have heard it all before with the same results, he always does it again. When I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel he gets very angry and calls me names and tells me to get the f*** out. I can't get through to him that this time I am not going to accept the changes he feels are appropriate. We don't talk for days cause he won't talk to me unless I just drop it.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
Heartbroken2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can u not get rid of computer? That's what I did! My H had online cybersex with various women that lasted for a few mths, I stopped him using all computers - he doesn't have internet access on his phone and my lap top (the one im using) has a password, and if he needs to go on to surf etc, only I log on for him, and he only uses it when im in the same room. We are trying really hard to get back to where we once were and we have good days and bad days, my H is very remorseful for what he has done, it sounds to me like your H has an addiction to the online affairs, he is nasty to you when u ask him about it etc, have u tried MC? xx


Me 45
WH 45
4 kids aged 3 - 25 (2 x adopted in 2013)
Together 15 years
Married 8 years
WH had online cybersex with various sluts!
DD = Nov 23rd 12
In 'R' and getting to a place we never been before

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
sparklezombie
♀ Member
Member # 40095
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH has had online accounts for years, met women online, etc. He says now that he's sorry, wants to change, etc. But I don't know if he really can or will change. It's so hard to find out about his online behavior because it's easy for him to hide it.

I would say that if WH doesn't want to change, then it's time to go. You deserve much better than that.


BS: Me
WH: Husband
One daughter - 22 months
Married 11.5 years
2.5 false R's.
Status: Divorcing.
You can't pick up a turd by the clean end. Time to flush the toilet.

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere on the Eastern Seaboard
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3 of my husband's 4 have been via the internet. Brief history: He met #1 in a chat room. She fed him lines about "You can have sex with other people and still love your wife." That led to his first ONS.

He met #3 in a chat room. I knew about her. He spent hours chatting/texting/later sexting with her. After 2 yrs of his EA with her, he finally consummated their lurve on a business trip to her city.

He met #4 thru work. She works 1600 miles from us. He went to her city for training. She acted as a guide for the out-of-towners. When he got home, they started chatting, texting, video conferencing during working hours and at night after I went to bed. She's 2 hours behind us. He left me for her even though he had never touched her to that point because they were "in lurve".

So...

20 years my H has on and off gotten involved in online affairs. Have never caught him in an actual affair.

You have caught him in actual affairs. These EAs on the internet can be just as damaging to a marriage as banging the neighbor next door.

Hind sight being 20-20, I wish I had put a stop to all of his "friendships" with women on FB, Twitter, etc years ago. He had no boundaries at all. And it sounds to me like your H doesn't either. Now, I have every password to every account, a locator on his phone and he knows that I check on him when I want to. The difference is NOW he wants me to check so that I feel safe. Before, that phone was always locked and stuck to him like glue!

Start by reading Not Just Friends and ask him to read it too. It was a big eye-opener for my H.

I wish I could explain to you how someone can keep doing this type of thing to someone that they say they love. But I can't. I don't understand it either. All I can tell you is that YOU did not cause this. This is due to HIS brokenness, not yours.

If he is unwilling to try to change, then you need to protect yourself. Read up on the 180 and going NC. They are wonderful tools to help you get stronger. And keep posting here. SI is a life-saver for most of us.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Tawnie. Sorry you are going through this! My situation is a little different but somewhat similar, my boyfriend has texted/sexted other women and has done a bunch of messaging online to other woman and was on adultfrienfinder messaging and sending naked pictures to other woman, among other things. So I can understand it all being online stuff and not a physical affair. Personally, I don't think it matters if it was online or physical, it is still a betrayal and it still hurts. I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. This site has been really helpful for me!

I just don't understand if you claim to love someone how can you continue to hurt them?

I don't understand how someone could do that to someone they love either. But one of the many things I have learned from this site is the affairs/betrayal have nothing to do with you!

Is he doing anything to work on his behavior? IC and MC? Is he doing anything to show you he wants to change? I hope so.

Keep coming to this site. It has been extremely helpful for me. Also, check out the cyber/online cheating thread in the I Can Relate forum (if you haven't already). Hugs!

[This message edited by megs56 at 4:37 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no access to my H passwords. I recently installed a program on his computer called Golden Eye and that is what caused this recent break in the marriage. Not that it wasn't broken enough to begin with. I used to have access to all that and I would delete people and block people and he got mad and I haven't had access since. I do have access to his computer but he has gotten to be an expert at hiding things so I always have to keep one step ahead of him. He isn't sorry or remorseful at all. Gets angry when I want to talk about it, won't even talk to me if I bring it up. So we go DAYS without even talking. He thinks that by kissing up and saying all the right things he can make it better, but been there and heard it all before. It is all just words to me at this point and I don't believe a thing he has to say. The changes I want him to make he says is asking to much. I am trying to control him. He wants everything on his terms and I am not willing to do that anymore cause look how that has worked out for me. I am pretty set on my postion this time and am prepared to walk away. Contacted a lawyer today and got some good info and know where I stand.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And as far as MC and IC, done both, more than once. The last time I got so mad at him for something he said that the counselor asked him to leave and he would never go back and still won't!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are moving in the right direction then. IMO, if he won't give you passwords, etc to make you feel safe, he's still doing it. And it sounds like he has no interest in stopping.

Actions speak a lot louder than words. And to me, his actions are saying that it's time for you to move on.

When we separated, the good people in D/S forum helped me tremendously! Take a trip down there some time and introduce yourself. They really are a great group. I still read there daily too.


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
LostAngry
♀ Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be willing to bet he is still in his affair.

Online affairs are especially hard to catch because they are easily covered up. It seems for every obstacle placed in front of a determined WS they are able to find a way around it.

I had one BW I was helping tell me she felt like the AP was an apparition because she could not find her, and her WH would not give her any details about the OW.

They tried to R, but the BW could not get over her WH never giving her details about the OW, as though he felt more loyalty to the OW than he did his BS.


"How People treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours"
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H did all of his cheating online. Never met a single one of the OW's in person.

Still hurts, still sucks, still very much counts as cheating. Additionally, it is very hard to convince the spouse that they actually cheated or did anything wrong ("I didn't sleep with anyone").

I am so sorry that this happened to you as well. Be kind to yourself and I hope you find peace soon.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
megs56
♀ Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tawnie - You should have access to your H passwords and he should be willing to do MC if you want. But it sounds like you are handling everything right by being set on your position this time and preparing to walk away if he doesn't do what you want. That's good that you met with a lawyer and got some good info. :) I hope you are doing ok. I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Hugs!


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ws visits the sites quite often so I'm sure he up to something. How far he's gone, I have no idea but don't see why one would visit if they weren't hooking up. Curiosity can only be the first time as far as I'm concerned, after that, your talking or meeting. Jmo. I agree, its just as hurtful as an other type of cheating.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4728 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's not going to stop until there is meaningful repair going on. That's not happening. Taking away the computer does not help or lead to repair. he will just find another mode of communication. And who wants to play babysitter to their spouse? He has to first understand what he is doing is wrong (on his own not by you showing or telling him) and that often starts with 180 like actions from you. To yell at you and not talk to you for days is just unacceptable and the actions of a guy who is going to continue to do whatever the F**k he wants until you make it stop. Don't allow this. I hope
things get better for you.

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jul 2012
Tawnie
♀ New Member
Member # 40886
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am feeling really guilty today and have no reason to. Today marked our 17th wedding anniversary. He works on the road so when I got up I had a Happy Anniversary text from him. My reply was "Morning" and that was it. His feelings were hurt. Then I didn't make any time for him in my day. Spent the whole day with my son who was home from college for the weekend. We stayed busy and were on the go all day. Got a text from him just a little while ago stating that "it's sad that you couldn't make a little time for a phone call". BUT HE DIDN'T CALL ME EITHER! The phone works both ways! I am really trying hard here to send a message that things need to change and I am not going to put up with this anymore but I feel guilty and it hurts me deeply to hurt him!

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Iowa
yousaid4ever
♀ Member
Member # 32626
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, October 12th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 20 years he was talking to her about things he should have been sharing with me. then her husband accidentally died and she thought my husband was the only one who could understand her and he bought into it. They "bonded and were in luvre". but he still did not choose her.. or me. I hate him sometimes and still love him.
He is trying to decide between me and her. WTF, why don't I just throw him out!!!! Why do I still feel I love him and there is that person I fell in love with still in there. I must be the sick one. I get so tired of this roller coaster. Why am I so afraid to get off of it?
Why do I still believe in hope?


I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?......Pink

BS(me)55...STBXWH 55
Married 37 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-10/75; 10/80; 09/92; 12/09; 12/10; 03/11...more?


Posts: 74 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Utah
Topic Posts: 18

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