Yesterday would have been my 12 wedding anniversary and I spent it with my kids, making pizzas from scratch. I made it through most of the day ok, but then a friend called and wanted to know if STBX and OW were still together as she lives in OW's neighborhood and spots them together all the time. This sent me into a total tailspin. I also found out this weekend from STBX father that he brings OW over there all the time. I find it totally disgusting that both of their families act like nothing is wrong and since I kicked him out (for a 6yr LTA) that it is ok now.
I didn't mention the worse part of this whole mess...OW was supposedly a friend, he was already sleeping with her when we made her godmother to DD6 and he brought her into our home to babysit our children (and to have easy access to her). They defiled my entire home--I can barely stand to be in the house. The way I confirmed the affair is that I found a sex tape with him and OW in my living room, with my 2 month old baby girl in the background. My wedding photos in the background no less.
What's worse is that I was the breadwinner in the marriage, so STBX is threatening me that he will ask for alimony. I also have to buy him out of the house. He ran up a lot of credit card debt in my name so I have been forced to rent my basement out just to make ends meet. I live in a high cost area and we purchased the home almost 10 years ago, so it actually may be cheaper to keep the house and pay him out than to sell the house and get an apartment. I cannot move out of the area both for work reasons and my family is in the area and my mother's health is declined a lot in the last 5 years. I already calculated and if I sell the house after paying the debts I will break even, but then my kids and I will be without a place to live.
He has been bullying me, sending me emails and text messages several times a day wanting me to simply give in to his demands. What bothers me the most is that even though his name is on the mortgage, I have been paying it alone for the last 2 years and still expected to hand over 1/2 of the equity to him. it makes me gag that the thought of handing even a dime over to him as he used our marriage to fund his cheating ways. Also, OW isn't working, she is going to school (on public assistance) so any money that I give him will be used to take care of her.
I worked 2 jobs when going to school and before getting married often worked 11 and 12 hour days to help build my career. Now things in my field are tough, jobs are scares and I've had to take 2 pay cuts equaling 10% of my salary over the last 2 years.
I have a lawyer and cannot afford to spend too much money on lawyers and court fees so we opted to mediate, but STBX idea of mediation is he makes his demands and I accept them. I cannot deal with this mess anymore...
I'm sitting in a mall and people are looking at me funny because your story brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for you. Please stay strong. You are not alone. You are never alone.
I think in cases as extreme as this one, mediation isn't a great idea. You need a bitch of a lawyer to protect what's left of your assets.
No way does he get half the equity. At the very least he should get his half minus the payments you've been making on his behalf for two years, minus half the debt he ran up in your joint names.
A judge might be very interested to hear about the tape made in the presence of an infant child. That's just sick and in a perfect world it should have some impact on future custody arrangements.
Consider getting a loan or something to cover the legal fees. It might be worth it. Since he is such a bully mediation is not the way to go.
[This message edited by FaithFool at 12:06 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
Wow, made her godmother??!, that totally goes against what the whole concept of what a godmother is.
Please look into getting a lawyer and F@*k his "demands".
You have been hurt enough by these two.
[This message edited by shiloe at 12:20 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
I'm so sorry you feel lonely. Sending hugs.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
I wanted to do mediation, but my STBX's bullying and intimidation made us bad candidates for it. Plus he didn't respect me as a person in the marriage so he certainly wasn't going to in mediation.
STBX created so much of a sideshow, that my L wanted off my case. I finally let her out and realized something important about myself. I have the most vested interest in my future, more than any lawyer looking to make money. I need to stay calm and rational, while standing up for myself and fighting for my rights.
I decided I'm going to hire a L to stand behind me, basically explain what motions need to be filed, court dates, review documents, etc. and I'm going forward as my own representative. It cuts down on the costs of L, since they're just advising and not running up bills doing administrative work. That's how it would be in mediation anyway.
I'm in a community property state, so the law is pretty clear on how things will break down for us.
One thing a friend mentioned to encourage me is to remember that one year from now things will be different. Most likely better and definitely different.
In my friend's defense, she didn't remember it was my anniversary yesterday, I had to remind her...
I think I really am going to have to pony up for the shark lawyer, he is harassing me everyday. The reality is that there is not really too much money to get even from the house so all of the fuss could be over a few thousand dollars. the only other asset I have of any value is my retirement and the thought of handing 1/2 over to him after all I've sacrificed makes me want to hurl.
STBX had stage 4 cancer 3 years ago and I nursed him through 35 radiation treatments and 6 rounds of chemo, worked 13 hour days so I could take him to treatments in the middle of the day. Paid all the bills when he was home for 6 months on disability. Only to find out that he had been cheating with OW before, during and after the cancer. When I caught him, he had the nerve to say that "I thought you didn't love me anymore". Really?
I think about all that I have lost and it all seems so unfair. I have jumped through hoops to keep my family together only to be kicked and stabbed in the back and stabbed in the chest.
You guys are the only ones I can vent to...
And honey - talk to your L about ending the harassment, whether by a cease and desist letter or some other mechanism. It can't go on. It shouldn't go on.
((((npain)))) We're right there with you, honey.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." -Cohen
I honestly think her intention was to have my back and look out for me, and not to give me another trigger.
You seem like a great gal - making all those sacrifices for your family.
I would suggest that you tell your friends that you do not want to hear about your STBX. Whenever I hear about my X, it drags me back into the past.
With respect to the sex tape, please try to put it out of your mind. Thought control is so important to your happiness.
PHMH has something on this site about thinking about three things that make you happy or you are happy for. This may help you overcome some of the anguish.
I gave up hundreds of thousands myself in assets, and there is nothing you can do about it except move on. Working closely with my attorney helped me save another 100K in the trial.
Don't respond to his emails. You may want to just print them out and save them in case you end up going to trial.
Mediation did not solve everything in my case, so we did go to trial.
One thing that typically happens in a divorce is that you can expect your inlaws will turn against you. It is a fact of life. Parents will forgive their children and primarily provide unconditional love. Behind the scenes after he was exposed, maybe they had harsh words; but that is over now.
You can count on your STBX throwing you under a bridge with them and select other folks. It is all part of it as well. Your friends will know better.
Being on SI really helps. Friends, neighbors,running and especially my dogs were helpful to me well.
It takes time, but things will get better.
You hear that all the time and it is true.
[This message edited by Bebba1171 at 3:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)]