Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: losttrust1231 (44270)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I can't let go
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....of the thoughts of them together. I do try, but they still persist almost two years later.

WH keeps saying that "I am here now. Let's try to move forward with our lives"

I would love to, but there is still so much I need to know, or want to know. Not just what happened, but how he let them happen and and how he FELT about me, about her, about himself while it was happening.

He takes me in his arms and tells me how much he loves me, and I wonder how he was able to stop loving me for so long. Is this a re-awakening of his love Or has he just decided to love me because she is now gone from his life?

He chose her for so long. He has turned his attention to me now, which is wonderful, so why do I keep asking myself how he was able to be so withdrawn and cold to me before?

Why can't I just accept that yes, he is here now and we love each other, and put "them" out of my mind?

She is gone. He says he never thinks about her unless I bring up the A. He says he feels sick thinking about it. So do I but I can't stop.

I try not to spoil the times we have together. I try not to bring up the A all the time. This has been going on for too long now.

I have told him how much I missed his kisses. The spontaneous ones that come from nowhere. He used to kiss me hello and goodbye every day, but just short pecks without passion. He saved the passionate kisses for her.

Yesterday he kissed me spontaneously, a lovely soft and wonderful kiss. And what did I do? I started to cry. I mourned for the lost years.

I am so angry with myself for wasting opportunities to be happy.

But I also cannot quite believe how someone can just transfer their feeling from one person to another instantly at dday.
He can't explain it either, but as he says, "he is here now".


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 721 | Registered: Feb 2012
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow... i could have written this. Seriously. We are only 4 months out, but I go through the same, exact feelings.

I do think there is something about living in the now that needs to be addressed. We cannot change the past, and we only get so much time in this life. At some point, we have to accept. . . Truly accept....and move on. Your H's affair went on so long, I can imagine that makes it much more difficult. So much of it was going on in parallel with your life. It is going to take some healing to get through that.

Just know you are not alone, and maybe think about reading something like The Power of Now to get through this.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1744 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Bionicgal.

A good friend has been referring that book to me for awhile now. Even before the A was discovered.

I worry that a part of me doesn't want to let it go because there are so many unfinished discussions and so many loose ends to tie up.

But perhaps that is the way I normally function, to talk things out until there is nothing left to talk about. And to think and think and think until it all becomes clear.

Maybe I will never get to that point so the alternative is to somehow let it go. I don't feel I am ready yet though.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 721 | Registered: Feb 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel exactly the same way Fighting Back. Lately I have been thinking that maybe some of us are simply made this way, we can't just let things go... I don't know.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
pretendingtobe
♀ Member
Member # 32690
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two years out and I just had this conversation with my WH this past week-end. We have had the conversation at the beginning about the "why's" and "how could you and why did you even stay" the list can go on. My husband feels that we have talked enough about the past and he too loves me so much...now. My husband believes we need to just move forward, when I have questions I get the look of "not again." He will answer the questions, but prefers to almost pretend it never happened. I think it's easier for him because he knows everything that happened, everything that was said and done, he was there, I wasn't. My mind does romanticize the affair. He does tell me that it was the biggest mistake of his life and he hates talking about it because it disgusts him. We have both changed a lot. He is more appreciative of our family and I am sometimes a bitter bitch. I am working on my wants and needs which feels selfish, but I have to let go of putting everyone else first all the time. I do love him and I believe he loves me, but working on the pre-affair, after affair and just regular life can get very exhausting.


Me:BW,, 47
Him:WH, 49
together 14 yrs.
married 6yrs.

Husband has had PA 7 yrs. ago
several online sexting, found out 05/29/11
another PA/EA:ended May,2011 found out July10/11
Husband thought we had an "open" marriage.Working on rec


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2011
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

pretending,

Just curious. Did your discussions about the why and the how help you to come to this way of thinking?

My H says he is still working on these things, but doesn't give me any insight as to what "still working" means.

[This message edited by FightingBack at 10:09 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 721 | Registered: Feb 2012
pretendingtobe
♀ Member
Member # 32690
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had some issues as a child. He was sexually abused and just about 10 years ago he had the abuser charged. The man admitted to everything and the process helped my husband understand himself and his past a little more. I am coming to my way of thinking because for 2 years I have been trying to understand how I never the saw the affair coming or didn't even get where he found the extra time. I have read and read and read...books and posts from this site. I have journals and did way too much thinking. I do love my husband, but my life can not be all about him. He has to do some work too and if he wants our marriage he has to be prepared to be honest with me no matter how much it may hurt. I guess I am just starting to value myself a little more. I was putting more time and energy into trying to fix him and forgetting about me. When I do get down I remember that I was a whole person before I even met him. He seems to want us to fix this mess so he is trying.


Me:BW,, 47
Him:WH, 49
together 14 yrs.
married 6yrs.

Husband has had PA 7 yrs. ago
several online sexting, found out 05/29/11
another PA/EA:ended May,2011 found out July10/11
Husband thought we had an "open" marriage.Working on rec


Posts: 143 | Registered: Jul 2011
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 721 | Registered: Feb 2012
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I so could have written those feelings - I am not fixated on the idea of the sex or even the OW and what made her "special" - I see her a bit as a side issue- what I can't get my head around is the fact he put me entirely out of his mind, rarely was tactile with me in 19 months and left me feeling very sad and inadequate - I read long mails expressing his desire and love for ow and that he would leave me...then when she told me about the A he finished with her and says he deeply regrets his "mistake" and it is me he loves and he "suspended" that love somehow during that period and was very confused. I ask myself if you can truly love someone you cast from your mind so easily and hurt so profoundly - I struggle with that....how can someone he spent so much time be someone he cast aside so immediately? If she was the one worth throwing away a marriage over - but I think despite what he said to her he never intended to leave me - that s also what he said - so what does that make me? The solid fallback, the idiot who blindly loved him? I ask myself all these questions because I know that my way of dealing with live is very honest - not always great and often flawed - but honest and I could never have lied to him like that or watched him hurt and wondering what the hell had happened in our M....maybe we will never get the answers we so look for because it isn't something we are capable of and that full understanding will escape us and the question is whether the NOW is convincing enough...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Sep 2013
silentheart
♀ Member
Member # 40903
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too could have written your post as my own. I feel exactly that way. I know what kind of pain it is, it can be torture at times. I'm sorry you are going through it. My D-day is 14 months ago and I still have so many questions. After reading so many posts I think the difference is in the way things are handled and addressed by the one that did the betrayal. My BF kept saying things to me like "I'm not going to be pestered about this", "here we go again", "why can't we just put this behind us", "I don't want to talk about this anymore", "I know what I did was wrong and I'm embarrassed by it and do not want to talk about it". So weeks would go by and then I would get a trigger and have questions. It was never properly handled from the beginning. For true reconciliation I am learning from this site that all must be out on the table, read all the articles, go through the 180, etc. etc. I found this site yesterday and have been taking notes. I plan to have a serious talk with my BF so we can start real healing (if possible). The not being able to let go is very painful so I understand where you are coming from. You deserve to be free from it.

I wish you the best.


Me: BW, 37
Him: SO, 37
No children
Committed relationship 13 years
Dday: July, 2012

Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
learningtofeel
♀ Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FightingBack - My fWS has talked a lot about "oscillating." Like you, I'm dealing with 15 years' worth of betrayal, found out all at once. I have had many of the same feelings you mention, but the idea of oscillation kind of makes sense. My fWS says he has always loved me, so then I say - But how could you have? He points out that he oscillated between me and the other women over the past 15 years, even during the most recent four year affair with a close friend of ours. Sometimes he didn't love me, but then other times he did. Ultimately he wants me and wants us to be together in a healthy relationship. I do believe him.

Not that believing him has made my own road any easier lately. Hang in there. We BSs need to be patient with ourselves.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 97 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ItsaClimb

Hi I am new to the forum. I noticed from your profile that you found out 8.5 years after the A. I also found out 8 years after.
I too am having a difficult time "letting go". The obsessive thought are ruining my happiness now. I was always a veery positive and happy person and the discovery of my H's affair has changed me so drastically.
I try to tell myself that it happened so long ago but it never helps to ease the pain. We are just over one year into the reconciliation and there are days when I feel optimistic about my future with him and there are days where I just want to be alone for the rest of my life.
I think/hope as time goes by it will get easier. But I am starting to worry that maybe I am one of those people who will never "get over it"


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or has he just decided to love me because she is now gone from his life?

I too wonder about this. I can't let it go either, but I tend to be obsessive in my thoughts and am on meds for anyways.

I just think WH can turn his feelings off for me at any time now. I finally realized that I was more invested than he ever was. Ah oh well.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In The Healing Library is an article called "Joseph's Letter". I believe this will take you there (provided I did it correctly)
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp
The author describes the WS having all the pieces to the puzzle, while the BS has just the pieces disclosed. Usually it is limited to how little they can get by with telling us. The Joseph's letter describes it beautifully.
I have been accused of living in the past, or dwelling on details. That is an incorrect assessment. I am living with limited knowledge, that leads me to feel unsafe. The mind movies fill in the information I haven't been told, but it may not be correct. The past is done, granted but my disclosure was so limited there have been occasions the AP was next to me and many other people in the setting knew. I didn't. WS was safe I was not.
No wonder I had a wretched gut feeling. We weren't united, WS was protecting himself.....not me.
So how can one let go, without knowing the full story, not a watered down version. It would be as ridiculous as WS standing before me with chocolate running from the corners of his mouth, yet strongly declaring he wasn't eating chocolate.
I understand your feelings to a T.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 600 | Registered: Jul 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:14 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that it is so sad that there are so many of us feeling like our happiness is being withheld.

I had hoped, that by now, my H would have understood that I need him to WANT to talk to me about anything I NEED to talk about.

I had hoped that he wanted that intimacy also. To have nothing left to stand between us. To tell me everything, not just answer questions, because he also needs to open himself up to me.

I had hoped that he would also feel the need to understand how he could turn his love off and on.

I am afraid that he will turn it off again. I am afraid that he doesn't want to really examine his feelings because there is more there than he wants to admit.

I think that if I get the whole story, my obsessions will stop. I find that when I have learned a bit more of his story, I do think about it, chew on it, process it and then I can file it.

It's all the stuff I don't know. The stuff I wonder about, the stuff I imagine that continues to invade my life.

Why would he not want to put me out of this misery if he loves me so much?
I am afraid that my unhappiness will drive him to that state of un-love again. I can't be much fun to be around, so I can get that.

I just want to feel like me again, so I can love wholly, and feel love.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 721 | Registered: Feb 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ask myself if you can truly love someone you cast from your mind so easily and hurt so profoundly - I struggle with that....
^^ This is what I struggle with the most. This is the crux of my problem. If he TRULY loved me, I do not believe he could have done that to me.

And then this:

so what does that make me? The solid fallback, the idiot who blindly loved him?

I could never have lied to him like that or watched him hurt and wondering what the hell had happened in our M

Even my fWH's relationship with the OW - he thought he loved her, TOLD her he loved her, but then when she dumped him, he kind of "shook her off" and moved on, said he was "sad for a day or two and then got over it".

The thing is, all of this makes me doubt the quality of love he is capable of. I don't believe he is capable of deep, intimate love. So that makes me very nervous going forward.

Right now, in fact for the last 4 or 5 months, he has been wonderful. Will do whatever I ask, talks about the A, goes to counselling, showers me with affection... I really couldn't ask for more. BUT it somehow doesn't reach me to my core, it's like I am waiting for the bubble to burst. Knowing that he can turn love on and off, seemingly at will.... it makes me very insecure... and that makes me unable to let the A go. Self-preservation I think.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
Smokehouse
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My heart was crushed for you after reading your story in your profile. So painful and full of your emotions. It resonates off the page.

I get what you are saying from your profile and your post here. How could he have done this with the OW, and now loves me? Impossible. I ask my WW everyday sometimes, Do you really love me? How could she, how can she! My WW A was only 6 months. I asked every question I could and knew the answer I wanted her to say, but she never said it. How could they, why did they, did you ever consider me when you were in the A? My WW doesn't have the answers. I know the answers, no she didn't think of me, only herself! Why did she, because she was getting attention, ego stroked, validated, special treatment because he was the boss. All selfish reasons.

Now, we are trying to R. I realized our marriage was not what it should have or could have been. I take zero responsibility for the affair. However, I am now a much better husband. My WW just started to show the true remorse I needed to see. She still hates to talk about the A, but, she knows I need too. We are starting to draw closer and closer within the last few days. I can now feel the remorse, feel the sincerity, feel the love she has for me. I mean actually feel it. Not sure if anybody else has experienced that or not. My WW even says she feels it. Never felt it before with anybody but my daughter from a previous marriage, and I just remembered the feeling when I felt it with my wife. Do you feel the remorse is genuine, the love is real, is he sincere? It is helping me let go of some of my bad thoughts. Mainly because they will stand in the way of full R.

Now, I have all my answers too, maybe you don't. If you don't, R can't occur without it. Good luck dear and hugs and thoughts being sent your way!

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 3:38 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly how you feel. My WH#2 just wants it to all go away and never discuss it again. He says he can't change what happened, so he doesn't want to talk about it. He has never answered my questions in a meaningful manner and just rugsweeps the whole 3yr A and thinks I should do the same.

I have asked him numerous times to talk to me..Tell me what was going on in his mind to be able to lie to me for 3yrs and sleep with OW in our home. I just get the we weren't having sex as often as he wanted, so he found it elsewhere. He just said it went on so long because he couldn't get out of it without her telling me. He thought I would D him if I found out, so he just kept seeing her to shut her up (he didn't shut her up, she told me...on 2 different DDay's). I am supposed to just forget about it when this is all I know???

I wished I had the answers for you, but I don't. I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. I don't want to give up on my marriage, but I am beginning to think I don't have a choice in that either.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories.

I think what it boils down to is how much we are willing to put up with until the time comes when we either feel that our patience has paid off, or know that we have had enough.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 721 | Registered: Feb 2012
befuzzled110
♀ Member
Member # 35787
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a part in all of us that, at times, wants to hold on to the victimized feeling, as a way to punish the WS and not let them forget..but I don't think that is the problem here, is it? You sound like you have a lot of unanswered questions. I read a post here not too long ago about writing YOUR timeline down and sharing it with the WS, so they could see what they missed, or how things were on your end. Why not do something like that and share the questions at the end of the timeline?


Me: 37 and awesome
Him: 42 and not so awesome
OW1: 47 and desperate OW2: 34, freshly divorced, was once my friend OW3: is OW1 who took in WH during seperation.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.