So sometimes I'm staggered by the selfishness of it all. He really didn't think about me and the impact of his actions one bit. His intention was for me to never find out
No one's situation is easy. Making a decision about what to do isn't easy. Staying isn't easy. Divorcing or leaving isn't easy. That is why a lot of times the *key* to which direction a person should take is to look at the WS/BF's actions. Finding out you were *conned* or *not thought of* is a big ball of suck all by itself -- but add in a Wayward that isn't putting in 100% effort after the fact, and you have the recipe for your own emotional destruction.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
But one thing I'm learning from SI is that it's unlikely (a) that the A really would have stopped completely and (b) it if wasn't this A, it likely would have been something else in the future that tore us apart and exposed his character. Maybe it would have been children. (Just like *his* father)...
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:49 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
But the logistics of breaking up if you don't have a marriage and kids are so very much easier.
To undo a marriage usually requires a whole lot of legal fees and negotiations about pensions, debt, etc. Ending a relationship - and we were living together - meant simply agreeing I the couch, he takes the bed. No money consequences except replacing the bed.
The father of my children will be in my life pretty much forever. We get along better than many couples in S/D but we still have occasional friction about money or custody schedule channges. I have to see him at my children's graduations, weddings, etc. On the other hand, I don't have to see or communicate with my ex-boyfriend ever again. I have gone total NC and I think that makes it easier to heal.
Without a legal committment and children you still have pain, but you don't have the legal, monetary and custody issues on top.
it's unlikely (a) that the A really would have stopped completely
Fast forward to years later my STBXW has a 3 yr LTA with a coworker but we have 2 children and I am married. Everything in me screams giver her the GTFO speech but I have children with her. So it takes me 2 years before I fully realize she can't or won't own her shit and I file for D and she gets the GTFO speech. So yes having children did make a big difference. If I didn't have children I would still have had time invested, finances, a life we built, and vows I did take seriously. However she would have received the GTFO speech on Dday if I didn't have kids. Just my 2 cents and my opinion doesn't change the circumstances for you or anyone else dealing with infidelity. It's a personal choice.
ETA: having no children and not being married makes leaving "legally" easier in most cases. I belive that is why many people say leave to members that aren't married or have children. Everyone is emotionally attached to their spouse or partner so the leave isn't really referring to that part imo. The pain is going to be there regardless of whether you were married or not. Leaving my first situation cost me nothing but pain, leaving my M cost me pain, 50% of the time with my chidren, and much more financially. I lucked out with the agreement and didn't lose half my stuff but many people aren't as lucky.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
But the ramifications of the trauma of this echo in so many ways, and impact so many people, that I think it's almost impossible to navigate what is the right thing to do.
I fully agree, when you are in the middle of it, it is difficult to see what the right path is for you. There are lots of dynamics involved that are unique to you and ultimately you need to decide what you think is best for you.
However, hearing from others on SI that have similar but different experiences that are able to relate but also look objectively at your situation and give you some insight can be very valuable. When the advise is given to someone not married, no kids, maybe just a couple years into their relationship is to RUN - I think that is good advise. If you look at statistics, others experiences, etc. there are typical patterns that are often followed that the likely outcome from this type of relationship betrayal so early is not good. Chances are more pain in life is likely to follow if you choose this path. The person is being given good advise by those with personnel experience with these type of situations and it is probably good for the person to hear this advise no matter which path they choose to follow.
Even though the advise may be to RUN, you can still choose a different path. You may be succesful with that path in life because you know it will be more difficult. Many of us are blindsided when we find out, we would never have thought the person we married was capable when we married them. If I paid more attention to how common it unfortunately is and didnt act under the false assumption that no way could it happen to me, maybe I would have suspected things much sooner and been able to do something about it.
I also think that when the advise is given to RUN, I don't think anyone is trying to minimize the pain the situation is. I think we all know all to well that it does matter what the type of betrayal is, the pain is still there.
That I never found out, he ended the A before I got back, and we went on to have a family.
I understand thinking this, and feeling regret about not having children. It might help to remember that you would have unwittingly been trapped into raising them with a broken man.
Imagine the pitfalls of co-parenting with a guy who is still basically a teenager himself.
However, hearing from others on SI that have similar but different experiences that are able to relate but also look objectively at your situation and give you some insight can be very valuable
To some extent I sometimes think that there is a tendency to think that our particular situation is "different" or "special." Of course, in many ways, it is... as is the case with any situation involving specific individuals and their unique context.
But SI really offers not only a measure of objectivity, but a dose of reality. I remember in the first few weeks on this site being so struck by the similarities between WSs. I think some people here call it "the playbook." It's almost frightening!
So it's not to say that SI is an equalizer of experience... but it helps lift the veil on the extent to which you might be viewing your WS in a light that is more favorable, optimistic, hopeful, loving than is the reality on the ground... simply out of shock, habit and what have you.
This is exactly what I am just starting to realize after coming out of my own BS fog.