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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: violating custody agreement
keepcalmandrunon
♀ Member
Member # 35265
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,

I have not posted here in quite a few months but this site has been invaluable to me, so I am hoping for some guidance.

I am still in the divorce process - our temporary orders give him time with the kids every weekend. I do not have a full weekend with them. My grandparents are out of state are very elderly and dying. They want to see their great - grandkids one last time. Taking them to visit means STBXH has to give me permission as it would be during some of his parenting time. I do not have enough consecutive time with them to make a visit without using some of his time. He will not agree. My attorney basically said if he does not agree I will be violating the custody order and he could file contempt on me, so I need to decide if it is worth it. I feel that it is. Is there anything I am missing? Any advice? Thank you so much in advance.


BS:(me)35
WH: 38
3 Children, ages 3,5,7

Posts: 92 | Registered: Apr 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you have vacation time put into the agreement? There must be some clause you can use; that's just spiteful of him to not allow them to see their dying grandparents. He's sticking to you because he can.

Also a good point to anyone else doing up their agreement; having visitation EVERY weekend can't work; both parents need to have a couple of uninterrupted time with the kids now and then.

I hope you can work it out.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
keepcalmandrunon
♀ Member
Member # 35265
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your reply. No, there is no vacation time built into the temporary orders. I don't think there is any clause to use...at least my attorney has not said so and I am assuming she would. Yes, he is just spiteful and there is no reason. I offered to give him a full weekend with the kids in return. This is just how he is. And, yes, I wish I had negotiated temporary orders differently and I will do so when the case is finalized. But for now it is what it is. Thanks again for replying.


BS:(me)35
WH: 38
3 Children, ages 3,5,7

Posts: 92 | Registered: Apr 2012
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would send a "notification" that you are traveling with the kids on xyz days to see elderly grandparents in xx location and offer two different options of making up that time.

His choice then is not to allow or deny you the time, but choose his option of making up the time.

If he gets ugly and threatens you if you go, then take him to court for his threats and his bullying.

I am sorry. This is an unfortunate situation.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5864 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since you are still in temp order world, it sounds like you are stuck at the moment. How long until you think the "real" orders will be done? How about Thanksgiving weekend? Might you have 2 consecutive days then? Is it possible for you to take a day or two off during the week, and go then? Maybe over a PA day so the older kids don't miss much school? Just trying to give you an idea that might work.

If you are still working on your final orders, save all your emails re: you asking for the time and offering him a full weekend, and his referral. It will show him not willing to work with you, and you offering a good compromise.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
keepcalmandrunon
♀ Member
Member # 35265
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies. The real orders should be finalized soon, but no idea really when. I really don't have enough parenting time in a row now to take them. He has time with them every other day. I really feel my only choice is to go any way, but just wondered what would happen if he filed a contempt charge on me for doing so? Worst/best case scenarios? Thanks!


BS:(me)35
WH: 38
3 Children, ages 3,5,7

Posts: 92 | Registered: Apr 2012
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are on temp orders, I wouldn't violate them keepcalm. I don't know for sure, but I'd be too afraid the judge may give him more custody, since you can't be "trusted" to follow the agreement. Talk to your lawyer to know for sure; maybe he can submit to the courts for you to have a few consecutive days for compassionate time to see your grandparents?

I truly hope you don't end up with this schedule forever. Every other day is too hard on you, and on the kids down the road. He will find it doesn't work at some point too; just right now he knows he can hurt you by saying no.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
keepcalmandrunon
♀ Member
Member # 35265
Default  Posted: 10:15 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks DevistatedMom. Yes, I guess I was wondering what my consequences could be. Do judges care that I have a good reason? I do not think he will give me any extra time. He just is pretty heartless unfortunately. And I was worried too since I would be taking them to another state as well. Just trying to weigh the risks. My parents basically told me I need to violate it because it will kill my grandparents if they don't get to see their great-grandkids one last time. So I feel totally in a bind and caught in the middle.


BS:(me)35
WH: 38
3 Children, ages 3,5,7

Posts: 92 | Registered: Apr 2012
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not violate the agreement. I would hammer your L with how you can make Caregiver's suggestion happen. Your L did a shit job to not have suggested that this might not work long term or at least suggest a provision for longer periods of time during holidays.

Your parents don't get to tell you what to do. They clearly have NFI about what is at risk here.

Your small children seeing your elderly grandparents one last time is not worth risking losing custody or giving X any sort of advantage.

Custody is permanent. Those kids are your Number One priority and if your parents can't see that then they have rocks in their heads.

He is a piece of shit for doing this but it is a good reminder that they WILL do whatever they CAN do to stick it to us.

I am hoping your permanent orders are not every weekend. My girls are 5.5 and 3 and we have a 2//2/3 schedule which alternates weekends and also allows for all handovers to be done via daycare/school (one drops off on a Mon AM the other picks up after school.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5619 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
timeforchange
♀ Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not remove him from your State without his written permission or a court order.... This could affect your own custody!!!

Is it possible for someone in your family to set up the great grandparents with a Skype connection. Then your children could "see" their great grandparents on a regular basis.

I totally agree that your schedule is unworkable. You need to ask your lawyer to ensure your permanent orders are NOT based on these temporary orders. I have never heard of orders which don't ensure vacation time either. Please look into having these essential points changed in the final orders.


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
Topic Posts: 10

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