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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My Life!
hopeandchange
♂ Member
Member # 33287
Target  Posted: 7:17 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Background: stbxww had a two year A with DS baseball instructor. DDay2 - June 17, 2011. We(I) have been trying to R ever since and this past August stbxww called it quits for good.

Sadness - this weekend stbxww and our kids went to her neice's wedding and this is the first time in a very long time that I have been alone since DDay. And I find that I am filled with sadness.

My past. I lost my past. The phone records clearly showed the betrayal and what I had believed was my life was not! DDay2 was propted by my demand to see the phone records as I searched for answers after DDay1 (she lied, said A was brief and over).

EMDR - I had months of EMDR and grieved, uncontrollably grieved over our M. Our wedding day, our times with the kids, my in laws. It was the only place where I did not have to wear a mask. At home, I had to hide my grief as our kids did (and still do not) know.

Challenges - I have had progressively poor and worsening hearing all my life. When our kids were young, I lost my central vision and no longer drive. Thanks to the wonders on technology, I have been able to continue to work in my profession, though it is very difficult, and support my family.

Burdens - due to my disability, my stbxww became the only driver shuttling our three kids to their many activities. This was difficult for her and I feel sorry that she had to bear that burden. I did what I could to help but always could have found ways to do more.

And I have had to deal with the burden of her A. During the A when I was treated with disrespect and did not understand why. Finding condoms and discovering that the love of my life had been unfaithful. And the two years post DDay trying to R and being "blind" that it was a one sided R. I hope this burden gets much lighter with time.

My future will be so different than what I had envisioned. We were on the verge of becoming empty nesters and would be able to enjoy the life we had worked so hard to build. With the D, I will lose (actually have already lost) my companion, confidant, and the financial resources to pursue those dreams hindered by raising a growing family.

I will need to remake my future and it will be hard to wipe out twenty plus years of what I thought it would be.

Dating - I will not be ready for dating for a long time and cannot begin to imagine dating again after twenty five years. It seems so awkward! Hurt attract hurt and I am still very hurt.

Depression - after DDay2, I went into a very deep 18 month depression and towards the end the meds seemed to make it deeper instead of better. I quit taking the meds in December 2012 and I gradually began to see the beauty of life again!

Regret and Remorse - my stbxww showed lots of regret initially consoling me as I wept nearly every morning for a month. Then it was mostly her defending her actions, unable to express true remorse. I recall being curled up on our sofa one saturday afternoon and really hurting emotionally. stbxww criticized me for "not doing anything" ugh!

MC was the worst. The MC ignored dealing with stbxww A except as a symptom that I was not being attractive to her. MC actually asked stbxww to tell me what she got from the A. "it made me feel good, it was fun, it was exciting to receive a text!" At my suggestion, stbxww and I burned the phone logs and she was excited to do so. As part of the process, I wanted to go over the traumatic dates (text on our wedding anniversary, phone call when I returned home after being away for four months, bdays, etc.) and stbxww showed her disappointment that we could not just burn it and never discuss it.

On DDay2, stbxww told me a lot and the images of those 48 hours are seared into my memory. three months later she agreed to answer my questions and became catonic ?? in providing details of her A. There is enough information that stbxww provided for me to understand that she cannot acknowledge the extent of the A as it would utterly destroy her IMO. The worst parts of it all were when she defended her AP. stbxww told me that her AP would call her his "whore" and then would add "but only in bed" to either protect her image or her AP's image.

I have survived the tragic deaths of two brothers. I have survived my mother's demise from cancer. I have survived the loss of my vision. And I hope to survive by WW's infidelity. By far, WW's infidelity is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and is my greatest challenge yet.

Somehow I will figure things out and find ways to enjoy life again.

Be safe! Be happy! Be healthy! Live with ease!

h&C


BH (me, 50)
WS (her, 48)
Divorced!
3 wonderful teens
Heading for Happiness

Posts: 406 | Registered: Sep 2011
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

So many of the points you post I can relate too. Not all, obviously, as we all have are own path that we walk. But many.

8 years after dday and 7 years after D, I can say with confidence that I am at peace with my life. I can honestly say that 3-4 years ago I was still struggling with the unfairness of it all.

hopeandchange, you will survive this. Just from this post I can tell that you are strong. You are understandably in a bad place right now, but it will get better, I promise!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are clearly doing the hard work of processing the enormity of the betrayal. It takes time, it takes effort, and it is not for the faint of heart. But doing that hard work now will help you in the long run. Keep walking the path, keep caring for yourself and your kids, and you will gradually find yourself looking ahead more than you are looking back.

((((h&c))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look into Divorce Care-I never thought I would be a "group" type person but it's a relief to be among those that understand and bond.

My children didn't know either. This board, DC, and a few close friends I could talk to helped me process and heal. Having to stuff feelings down and pretend extends the hell and delays healing


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1757 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Topic Posts: 4

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