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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not quite sure what happened
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure he would love it if I was a fat frumpy slob. That would make him feel safer....,
But do we live the life our BS wants us to? We've talked about not keeping each other in cages. He drives to work in a brand new car, is the head of the company, wears fancy suits, one block away from OW. I could throw a fit about all that but his job is important to him, for probably the same reasons as what I wear. Are we still waywRds then?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^ And I also seem to remember you posting once that he works out to the point of being "a bodybuilder" and changed his appearance in other ways (hair, IIRC) after your A.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not saying there's anything wrong with that, but there's nothing wrong with you wanting to look nice either. You know your own motivations, kwim?


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure he would love it if I was a fat frumpy slob. That would make him feel safer....,

You're proving my point here. I never said you should become a fat slob. I never said what would make him feel safer. I said you need to communicate with him because what you wore triggered him. I've seen you post before about your outfits triggering him, something about a sweater dress maybe? That shows a pattern to me, and something worth looking into.

With that, I'll step away as I seem to be triggering you. Sorry for that.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37421 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure he would love it if I was a fat frumpy slob. That would make him feel safer.
Did he say that or are you assuming?

But do we live the life our BS wants us to?
I think there's a compromise. There's alot of things I do because it's just who I am. But I also do things certain ways because I know QS likes it. Does that mean I'm still wayward? I don't think so. I'm sensitive to his likes/needs. It's a team thing.

I also seem to remember you posting once that he works out to the point of being "a bodybuilder" and changed his appearance in other ways (hair, IIRC) after your A.
So I wonder, is he assuming that you like the "Studly bodybuilder" type? Have you told him otherwise?

I remember the sweater dress thing too WH5. That thread was explosive if I remember, because apparently our spouses have no right to dictate what we do/do not wear. We're our own individual, like it or lump it. I don't entirely agree. I've put stuff on, turned around, and got the raised eyebrow and a, "Uhhh...." from QS. I know better than to walk out of the house wearing that. He doesn't like it, doesn't approve. I respect him enough to not wear it out. I don't see how that is being wayward or how he is "taking away my individuality". His reaction also caused me to think about my motives.

Maybe I'm brainwashed and old school. I dunno. *shrug*


Rachel, you have nothing to loose, and everything to gain by communicating with him.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 7:43 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6317 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^ And I also seem to remember you posting once that he works out to the point of being "a bodybuilder" and changed his appearance in other ways (hair, IIRC) after your A.

And I don't care about this. I'm happy for him...

He doesn't raise his eyebrows at what I wear much anymore. Says I look nice. Said something different on Saturday though....
My gosh I wouldn't wear that dress anymore.... So i think I've changed.

Someone asked me if I'd wear the same thing if I wasn't with him. Yes. And also the same thing if I was on a deserted island by myself.... I guess I dress for me...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And also the same thing if I was on a deserted island by myself.... I guess I dress for me...

That was my point from what I posted. I didn't mean to insult your H by any means.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not sure how this thread became primarily about your clothing. Reading your original post, it sounds like it was more than that which upset your H. Am I wrong?


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unforgive: you're right...

I did not act respectfully in a few different ways and I knew it.

One thing Aubrie brought up about his bodybuilding and me not telling him I wanted that. He says he's doing it for me so that I'm attracted to him. I brought up the fact that were both terrified of being alone and keeping ourselves in good shape so if this relationship goes south we are at least physically ready for another relationship. He denies this. I don't. I think we are both doing this for that reason.
Hard thing to admit and talk about but...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well look, you admit, you know what you did wrong.

I did not act respectfully in a few different ways and I knew it

..and thats what you need to focus on. Analyze and re-analyze the situation. Why did you respond to this other guy the way you did? How did it make you feel? At what point did you realizw your H wasn't OK with this? How could this have been avoided?

Have you established firm boundaries, and if so what caused you to not enforce them?

As far as working out and the motives behind it, that's a whole other thread to start. I'll bet that will start some really good discussion


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep walking towards hubby, grab him and say, hey, I found us a place to tailgate.

Maybe you should have told him what happened & let him decide if the two you should go or not.


I have my hands all over hubby, say he's my other team buddy

"buddy" doesn't cut it - husband, my guy, love of my life........anything that unmistakable says we are a couple would be best.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

update: about 4:30 this am he started railing on me for the way I dressed and how he thinks I need attention and how in denial I am about men. I also bought a shirt at the game and he said it was small and blingy too. Couldn't I just have bought a jersey? I was sobbing as he yelled but I listened....

then he felt bad and said that he's with me because he knows I'm a wonderful person. I said are you sure you think that? He said yes, because I know who you are deep down...

At MC we did talk about how I dressed and the MC said those are his insecurities to deal with and men would have noticed me if I simply had a pulse. God, the way he talks about men is disappointing to me. He asked hubby why he looks at women and hubby answered, "because they're interesting to look at." which I thought that was very honest. and heck, I think women are interesting to look at too...

but I asked if he would have looked at someone dressed like me and he said yes. And I said, so you don't think that's a double standard?

We'll probably never agree on this and I guess I'll just change my wardrobe as it bothers him, although my IC said that is his insecurity to deal with too. But I said, isn't it my job to make him feel safe?

we ended up ok. He had to get some feelings out and that's good!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow I wear a different style then most women my age. I refuse to wear tshirts or turtlenecks. Just me.
I like my dresses i like them snug for those sweater dresses shows off the curves I also dress for me!
I say be yourself dont wear lingerie outside of the home! KWIM?
I keep certain clothes for date nite super sexy he has no say in what I wear I do listen to his opinion but if I want to wear it I will. Just sayin.
Sounds to me like there is more going on here then the clothes or that man.
Keep working on you hopefully he will calm down and see you only have eyes for him


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I brought up the fact that were both terrified of being alone and keeping ourselves in good shape so if this relationship goes south we are at least physically ready for another relationship.

This really stands out to me. I'm impressed with your admission. Do you think this could be the source of a "power struggle" ? That would be an excellent defense mechanism. It's like an arms race of sorts.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 2:58 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think this could be the source of a "power struggle"

possibly... it's all so complicated we can barely get to the bottom of it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a small thought – maybe a change for now will give you both some room to work through the issues the clothes are bringing out. It’s probably not about the clothes. By not fueling that fire though AND working on the issue it might make it easier.


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Jul 2011
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It’s probably not about the clothes. By not fueling that fire though AND working on the issue it might make it easier.

this I can do. I'm just not sure what the issue is... mistrust? a feeling of disrespect? insecurity?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5286 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 37
Pages: 1 · 2

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