Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: jdubb80 (44703)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cruel barbs
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Question  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So ... my Shrink told me that anger is normal, and can even be healthy and productive. He said the key between healthy anger and unhealthy anger is whether it is being expressed vs. bottled up. He encouraged me to indulge in ways that would alleviate some of the building pressure from my anger ...

So, I've been feeling more confident in my venting lately. One of my "outlets of anger", however, has manifested into cruel barbs sent via email to my WH. And when I say cruel - I mean wholly cruel. I have taken snippets of things he's said to his married affair partners in emails, pasted them, and then lambasted him about them.

And, admittedly, doing so has made me feel incredibly better - even if only for a short while.

Here's my concern. Cruelty is not my typical character. That said ... I am just wondering ... is there a line I should be mindful not to cross? If he is truly NPD ... am I risking any sort of antagonism by doing this? I understand I'm not abiding by NC ... but, I have to also admit how (sickly) therapeutic it has felt to lash out at him in this way.

I'd love any insight about this from you, my wealth of experts ...


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
sleepless34
♀ Member
Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does feel really good, but think about it as feeding him delicious little bits of his favorite food- your pain.

He is getting your attention. He knows he hurt you. It will drive him more crazy not to hear a peep out of you and worry about what you are doing and thinking.

I like to write them and send them to myself or save in draft form. It feels almost as good.

It feels good for you, but unfortunately it probably feels good for him too...and that should make you want to STOP!


Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am by no means making light of your situation, but this literally made me laugh out loud because 1. I can totally see how it would bring you some semblance of satisfaction and 2. I can totally see myself doing the same thing:
I understand I'm not abiding by NC ... but, I have to also admit how (sickly) therapeutic it has felt to lash out at him in this way.
My advice is to do what you think is right. If right now this is helping you reach a milestone in your healing, I say carry on; however, if you're beginning to feel uncomfortable by how you're behaving and also by the potential ramifications, you should try to curb the communications from this point forward. Perhaps typing up an email draft (that goes indent), printing it, and then burning the paper it's printed on can be a therapeutic exercise for you? I've read that writing your negative emotions on paper and burning it permanantly releases the negativity surrounding the specific subject matter written on the paper.
Whatever you choose to do, know that there are many people here rooting for you and hoping for the very best for you.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

p.s. "indent" was supposed to be "unsent." Damn autocorrect!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've already crossed the line, Hon.

You must not send any more messages to him like this. Not only is this bad for your soul, it's bad for you legally. Every single barb and insult you hurl his way can be turned against you by his lawyer. This can mean less money for you, less custody for you, less everything for you.

Stop it now.

Stop it.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Housefulloflove
♀ Member
Member # 38458
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does feel really good, but think about it as feeding him delicious little bits of his favorite food- your pain.

This was my first thought. He deserves every horrible thing you can think of. However, if he is a narc you're giving him something he wants....attention! Positive or negative, it's all the same to that type of soulless bastard. I did the same thing until it really hit home that the SOB was getting the ego stroke he so desperately needed by seeing the pain he inflicted on me. That was a great motivation to stop venting my anger at my ex. He deserved every drop of it but it was like food for him and giving him the joy of witnessing my emotions was opposite of healing for me.

If he is NPD you risk antagonizing him no matter what you do. They can respond VERY irrationally depending on what creates a narcissistic injury to them. So I wouldn't think too hard about what will and won't get a negative response from him because it may end up being something that you would think has the opposite effect.

That said, don't give that POS what he wants. It may temporarily feel good to you but giving him something that *he* wants will feel horrible in the long run and like NG said, could be used against you.


Me-29 Starting over
ExWH-29 Probable NPD, PA, manchild
3 beautiful young children
DDay 1/20/13 Admits PA
No remorse so NO R. DIVORCED! 9/2013

Posts: 541 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: USA
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl ... I'm in a no-fault state. How could my angry barbs be used against me, legally? Not contesting what you are saying, just trying to understand ...

An example of a barb I sent. I quoted a line from one of his emails, where he said he wanted to make sure what he got out of his arrangement was "worth it."

Then, I wrote "when (my senior doggie) takes her last breath, you probably won't be there. I hope it was worth it."


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found writing to be very cathartic during my divorce. But I maintained pretty strict NC with ex. I vented here on SI instead.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12144 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it depends on how cruel & low you're slinging the barbs.

If you're getting really nasty (which your original post suggested), then his lawyer can claim you're threatening him. You could get slapped with a RO. If his lawyer is really a shark he could say you're inflicting deliberate harm on his client's psyche, or some kind of BS like that. Do you have kids? For certain ANY nasty thing you say of any kind will cost you a %-age of custody because it will show you are mentally unstable and unfit. Or at least that's what his lawyer will claim.

Then there's the whole NPD thing. By engaging in him and giving him all this fuel, you're building a fire in him that could potentially be lethal for you.

Anger is good. But what you're doing - sending the nastygrams to him - is NOT healthy. Your counselor would not agree with you hurling insults at your STBX. You're twisting his advice, that you need to express your anger, and giving yourself permission to engage in an inappropriate outlet.

Don't you read here the myriad of vents people post? They vent HERE. They get all kind of support HERE. They don't send that shit to their WS!

I applaud you finding your anger. I think you're making a grave, strategic error in sending your STBX your emotional vomit. You're simply playing into his hands. He'll destroy you with this.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9509 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh no. PLEASE stop sending them NOW. I did the same thing, and now in my uber liberal, 50-50 no-fault state, my old emails are being used against me in court!!!! In his Discovery, NPD STBX only produced old, old emails right after D-Day in which I railed at him.

My stomach lurched when I saw your post. I did the same thing, so obviously I understand exactly why you're doing this. But from a legal viewpoint, it could be a huge mistake.

My lawyers expect me to act like Mother Teresa. I'm not kidding; they say this all the time. Think of this divorce as a business deal, with no emotions. You have the rest of your life to tell him off (which he deserves). But please don't do it now!

Here's my best advice:
Don't write anything that you wouldn't want read out loud in court in front of a judge and both teams of lawyers or psychologists or friend or families or your boss or neighbors or the general public.

I wish someone had warned me.



Posts: 1664 | Registered: Oct 2011
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then, I wrote "when (my senior doggie) takes her last breath, you probably won't be there. I hope it was worth it."

My lawyer would say this makes you look CRAZY.

(I disagree, but this is exactly the sort of thing you don't need.) Vent here instead. I'm happy to read and participate!


Posts: 1664 | Registered: Oct 2011
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found it more therapeutic to maintain NC (except for necessary communications re children and finances). I also adopted a policy of writing everything yo him as if a judge would review it. Therefore, I adopted a cool, business-like tone. The benefit? It drives him bonkers.

I found it therapeutic to write letters I never sent and to vent in IC and here. Yes, I screwed up several times. But overall, the detachment helped. A lot.

He still tries hoovering (after 10.5 years, that is impressive), but I don't respond. He also has no filter and his barbs would not help him if we ever had to go back to court.

You will d much better to adopt a business only policy with him and save your best barbs and zingers for us. After all, we appreciate them more!

Hugs,
Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29585 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't write anything that you wouldn't want read out loud in court in front of a judge and both teams of lawyers or psychologists or friend or families or your boss or neighbors or the general public.

^^this^^ absolutely.

While it may feel good now, remember that in any divorce, there is basically NO communication off-limits in Discovery. My exWH went to hookers for a threesome. Captured it as a kodak moment. Was shoved up his as$ in discovery.

Just be careful.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2452 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Erz - While it feels good, it really is not a productive method of healing. It allows him to know exactly how much he is hurting you. It gives him the privledge of being on higher ground too, reread what NG said she is right.

If you find it helpful to write that stuff out, do it, do it a million times, but just don't send it. Remember the best revenge, and greatest way to get at them, it to show them complete and total indifference. They have NO impact on your life. That's what really gets them.

Stay strong, stay sane, and try to refrain from things that may make you look bad. You want to come out of this looking like sister freaking teresa. Be the honorable one.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8218 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anger is a good thing.
It is letting you know that something is unjust and unfair and must be changed.
It provides very intense energy. It is what you chose to do with the anger that matters. It is where you focus that energy that matters.
You can focus the anger on revenge or something destructive, or you can use it to propel you forward with great momentum - sort of a "fuck you, I will emerge from this stronger than ever."
Sometimes you have to put the fist down and stand up.
Sometimes, when the anger rises, it is best to take pause, to remember your goal, and then to proceed.
It's different for everyone, and you have to do what is best for you.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
Topic Posts: 15

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.