I'm tired of hurting my BS. I am tired of lying. Part of me thinks I can never rebuild all the trust issues that I have broken, but I want to desperately. I don't know who I am, but I know what I want to be.
Another good place to start is by asking yourself questions. Once you have answered that first question, then ask yourself why that was the answer to that question. Keep going until you get down a good five levels at least. That's one way to start "digging deep".
One place to start might be: why do you lie?
Remember... actions, not words. Consistent actions over time. Authenticity, and honesty with yourself. Keep practicing these things on a minutely basis. Good luck to you.
[This message edited by LosferWords at 3:46 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]
1. Why do I lie?
To gain acceptance or make myself seem better than I am?
2. Why do I want to make myself seem better or gain acceptance?
Honestly, I am already stuck. I guess I have this need to feel like I am this amazing person so I lie to others to fit in or be respected. Perhaps I lie because I just don't like the person I am, so I do it to seem like I am that person.
Essentially, I lie to myself.
Thank you for the question. I will keep digging.
As cliche as it may sound, in IC you'll probably dig into your FOO and find out how they fucked you up in childhood. That's supposed to be funny, kinda, but my guess is you had a parent (mom probably) who was distant or unavailable. That's where the whole seeking to gain acceptance comes from. Wild guess, I could be way off, it's just an example anyway.
A book I'm reading now is "How we love" by Yerkovich. The authors hypothesize that our unhealthy emotional attachments stem from our childhood, and they characterize several styles. One is the pleaser.
The fact that you're able to openly admit that you've been lying shows that you're ready to really change. Good! Change is very hard, you've probably been lying and manipulating for so long, it'll be a hard habit to break. Do your best, realize that you won't be perfect right away, and when you stumble, you apologize, get up, and keep going.
Best of luck on your journey.
Do you want to share why things are going badly right now?
As cliche as it may sound, in IC you'll probably dig into your FOO and find out how they fucked you up in childhood. That's supposed to be funny, kinda, but my guess is you had a parent (mom probably) who was distant or unavailable. That's where the whole seeking to gain acceptance comes from. Wild guess, I could be way off, it's just an example anyway
I have a feeling that will be the topic of a lot of discussions. My parents marriage wasn't the best example of how a healthy marriage should be. It wasn't the worst out there, but I certainly didn't pick up any good qualities from it.
I'm not good on sharing intimate details yet but I will try.
She posts on the forums also, and you've read them I am sure.
I tickle truthed her until it was just too much. I thought that once all the major stuff was out there it was ok. But I never confessed previous lies to her and gave her all the details. I even lied on my timelines. I made new lies after the affair to make it seem like I was doing more work. I lied to her to make her think I was changing. I gave her the words she wanted to here, but I never really gave her the full truth with all the details. I was worried it would destroy the relationship.
She asked me for the truth on a few things last week, and I started rattling off a lot of things she wasn't expecting. In the process I made up a new lie about one of the lies I previously told her. I immediately felt bad about it, but I didn't man up and quickly correct myself. I wanted to be truthful that day and then when another lie came out...I couldn't make myself fix it. I was scared of making things worse...and ultimately I did just that.
I was feeding these partial truths to her and she realized it. She decided she wanted some space to work on herself and me work on myself.
I was crushed, went home and I've been trying ever since to think of every lie I've told her.
I'm sorry if I am vague. One of the things that I have realized is that I was never encouraged to express feelings when growing up in my family. I'm reading through NVC trying to work on this and give more details.
I want to be real, I want to be authentic, I want to be truthful. I want to have a real meaningful relationship and future marriage. I can see where the lies have destroyed my life and made me become somebody I don't want to be.
I want to do it to be a better person and a partner for her. But even if we don't work things out I need to do this for myself so I don't end up down the same unhappy road in the future. I need to fix myself so I don't have more broken relationships.
I think I have a long road ahead of me
[This message edited by changedlife at 8:00 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]
I remember writing down every lie I could remember telling my wife; it took a couple of emails I believe. I realize now that it helped me more than it probably helped her. I felt like I took and emotional shower.
That is where I am now. I am writing them all down. I feel better for myself every-time I think of something. But I'm also imagining how it is making her feel to see them all. All the truth hurts and for so long I've wanted to hide it all from her. I just have to man up, accept the consequences, be truthful, and try to change.