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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: external validation
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never mind, I figured it out.

Dixie,
You bring up a good point. I did have poor boundaries already, if I didn't I never would have responded to his messages.

Like people have said before, an A takes two broken people, and he and I were both broken and each played the parts of the victim and the KISA. And I also think you're right that neither is better than the other.

I do still want to read that book though!!


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KISA is Knight In Shining Armor.

That would tie into you feeling...

A need to feel wanted, valued, and appreciated maybe?

I know that KISA role has been a problem for myself. Goes back to FoO -- what doesn't? For me it's a need to be useful and to give valuable information. Have the right answers. I don't have a huge need for external validation from the person I am helping though. My kudos come from within, BUT it was still a need to do it that was not completely altruistic.

It's the guys I've felt sorry for where I have had the most problems in life and I've really looked into where that originated and why it happened and the added need for boundaries enforcement during times I get that 'feeling'.

Good luck Alyssa.

eta: we posted at the same time.

[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 7:32 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what about feeling like you can save someone or help them...change them for the better? I don't mean change physical things about them, but trying to help them change destructive behavior? Does that fit into the KISA roll?

Of course now that I'm reading this I want to laugh and cry all at once at the absurdity of me trying to save him and help change his destructive behavior....how ironic


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what about feeling like you can save someone or help them...change them for the better? I don't mean change physical things about them, but trying to help them change destructive behavior? Does that fit into the KISA roll?

IMO, absolutely. I also use the term codependent. It can be different reasons for everyone.

Where that originated for me was a need for control. If you would just listen to me and change XYZ about yourself, your behavior or the way you think, I know you will be happier/better. I know what is best for you so just listen to me. Translation: If you do these changes, my world would be a much better (safer) place.

It can be easy for some to confuse love and pity. I suspect as you keeping looking into a lot of this stuff you will find many things are ironic.

It's not easy, but keep up the good work.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just chiming in, Alyssa I love watching you grow.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j cubed...

Dixie, yeah, here in Wayward I didn't feel the need to include the standard disclaimer.

Even if the XAP was a psychopath or a predator...

That doesn't mitigate our (WS) responsibility. At all. ITA. Hell, one of my APs seems to have convinced his BW I was predatory. Fortunately my therapist has reassured me that I'm not a psychopath.

end t/j

Thanks Alyssa for the thought-provoking thread. You starting the new job tomorrow? Good luck with the fresh start!


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1176 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie,
Thank you for helping me start to figure some of this out...it seems like many of the typical reasons that many people start A's are things that I do often, although I didn't realize it before...

I'm actually thinking now about what you have said about being the KISA and everything usually goes back to the FOO.....I think I may have made another connection...

Samantha,
As usual,thank you for the encouragement!!!

Twenty,

Yes the new job starts tomorrow!! I am very excited about it


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A need to feel wanted, valued, and appreciated maybe?

Thank you for this thread. I am a BS, and the EV you are talking about is what I always got from my WH and why I think I'm having trouble detaching from him.

A lot of FOO issues to sort through with this type of thing.


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
honesttoafault
♀ Member
Member # 27105
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry double post

[This message edited by honesttoafault at 9:17 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 1939 | Registered: Jan 2010
Trying33
♀ Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why were you taking personal messages from him in the first place? Why did you allow them and not shut him down? Your poor boundaries were in place before his compliments filtered in or he wouldn't have found a way 'in'.

It sounds like he played a victim and you were a KISA for him, you probably equally played a victim and he was sympathetic to you. Both benefiting from it all


Great point and the simple answer would be because the attention from what I perceived to be such an "unobtainable" man, felt amazing.

Prior to this, I would shut down any inappropriate advances as I would find it revolting and offensive.

So, why were my boundaries poor at THAT particular time? Was it the man? Was it what was happening in my life at that time?

Externally, I was going through exactly same things as Alyssa, but why did my boundaries soften then and not before??


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
wwcrash
♀ New Member
Member # 40843
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have enjoyed this thread, too, and taken many notes from what you all've said. Thank you.

As an aside ~ A therapist who focuses only on EV would have an unending supply of clients, huh?!? Maybe everything comes down to EV and FoO!!


Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: SE US
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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