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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: On co-parenting with a lower muppet...
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
What?  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I hate to insult puppets, this is the best way to describe x: all foam and feathers, and no substance.

He told our 16 year old daughter (with whom he already has an intensely strained relationship) that it was a "waste of time " for her to come this weekend. I mean, who says that kind of shit to their own child?? And what do I do with that? What is an appropriate response on my part? I understand that hiring a hitman may be a little over-the-top, but I swear, my kids would be better off without him! At least they wouldn't have to put up with being emotionally battered by this 6 year-old in a grown-up's body!

I have done every thing I can to facilitate a relatiinship between them, to include giving up my personal to e to take dd to therapy appointments and those weekends when she feels too shattered to go. I talk to her about making the effort to build a relationship. I have given up my Saturday mornings so I can drive her 30 minutes to see him when she had a game the night before. I never let her make plans on his weekend without reminding her to check with him first. But you know what? I'm done. Fuck him and the whore he rode in on!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. That is terrible. I am so sorry. :(

There is no co-parenting with a lower muppet. There just isn't.

I tell your daughter that she is wonderful and beautiful and amazing and it is HIS loss not to privledge to spend time with her. And it is sad for him that he is too self absorbed to see that every moment spent with her is precious and not a waster of time.

Poor girl. I hate lower muppets.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1561 | Registered: Aug 2010
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LadyQ, it's admirable of the things you have done to facilitate a relationship between x and dd. But you are right, thats DONE. It's time to put all your energy into undoing the shit sandwich he fed your dd.

Hugs hugs hugs and more hugs to you dd. I tell me kids all the time that they are so incredibly wonderful and it's such an honor to be their mom/dad.

The stuff our kids tell themselves is bad enough without some muppet telling their dd time with her is a "waste of time".

How did your daughter take it? How is she feeling?


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2116 | Registered: Oct 2012
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's hurt, which translates to attitude with me. I apologized to her, even though it's not my doing. I blasted him via text. I will continue to support her, but I can't continue to let him shit all over her. I just don't know what to do. I can't stop her pain. Maybe she's better off not being around him....


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. In my state, teens are able to choose if they participate in visitations. After one month, my DD18 (17 at the time) saw through his bullshit and stopped all communication after 1 month. My DS14 stopped all communication after 4 months.

Having a choice helped them to feel as if they had some control of their life. They are both in different stages of grief ~ grieving the family they once had and grieving the father they once admired, respected and trusted. The time apart has allowed the kids to grieve and process.

Is this something your DD could do? Have a choice as to seeing dad? I understand about not wanting them to be in pain. We would do anything to stop it, wouldn't we? Unfortunately, the hurt and anger will fall on you. Please don't take it personally but also be clear on how she should treat you. I had to tell my son "You aren't treating me with respect and I don't understand why. I feel like you are mad and are taking it out on me. Can we talk about what is really making you mad?"

Sending you and dd strength, support and hugs!!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2116 | Registered: Oct 2012
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been there, dmari! I do have to remind her that while understand her pain and she's right to feel it, she has no right to take it out on me. I have been encouraging her to see him and talk to him, but I think I'll stop. Maybe she's feeling pressured by me, too.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I kinda feel like it's a really fine line between allowing them freedom, and allowing them to "hide out" and not face their reality. I don't know. Urrrrgggghhh!


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to text him

"You know, I've spent the last 18 years of my life shielding my children from the fact that their father is an ass. Now THAT was a waste of time. But, guess what? I'm out. Like a fat kid in dodgeball...."

[This message edited by LadyQ at 12:12 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
trappe25
♀ New Member
Member # 38513
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. Though I am not divorced I think of this stuff all the time: the money for child support, the 1/2 visitation - uggghh. For my kid, her dad loves her so much and vise versa - I'm kinda the 3rd wheel sometimes. So I would not have that problem - I'd have the opposite "When can I see my Kid, when can I see Daddy? Can I live with Daddy? Kid wants to live with me..." NIGHTMARE! What can I say, he really is a great dad - now that he has stopped f*cking prostitutes, see he is really a big kid and that is a lot of fun for a toddler. Me - I'm too grown up, serious. Someone has to be in this mess.

But I wonder, if she is going to therapy - what does her therapist say in all this? I mean really - you should not have to push a relationship. He either wants it or not. How awful for the daughter to HAVE to see a dad who thinks it's all just boring or for nothing. I hope this does not effect her relationships in the future - being used to men who think she is a waste of time. I really feel for you you. Good luck, regards.


Posts: 27 | Registered: Feb 2013
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for you both. That said I don't see making her face New hurt as heathly. If he can is damaging her why can't she say no more.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 279 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her therapist was giving her tools to communicate effectively with him. That's what I was trying to encourage. But I'm to the point now that I feel like how do you communicate with someone who says her coming over after her date is a "waste of time". In my way of thinking, I'll take every precious second, and I just can't fathom the whole "it's not worth it" attitude. I think its him trying to throw a guilt trip on her rather than being a grown up. And it works. Maybe I need to call her therapist so we can find some "counter moves".


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
PurpleRose
♀ Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well you are right that you cannot protect her from this pain... She is going to have to figure out how to navigate her relationship (or lack thereof) with her dad. It is not your job to do that.

It totally sucks. I'm dealing with this crap too- but my daughter is only 13. She already knows that her dad doesn't give a shit about her, that her little brother is the favorite, and that she essentially doesn't have a dad anymore. She has come to all of this on her own because I finally got to the point where I was no longer willing to fix the shit he kept breaking.

It was really hard to watch the demise of her relationship with her dad but it a a not something I could control. I needed to let go of that responsibility. You do too


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3523 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing to maybe think about is how do you teach your daughter to express her needs to her father. Just like many of us BSs are realizing that we needed to do more of that, and also realizing that our WSs turned to an A instead of doing that, helping your daughter find that voice may serve her well with her father but in her future relationships as well.

Mana-mana.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 583 | Registered: Aug 2013
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kg, that's one of the things she was working on in counseling. She has written him a letter, but I don't know that she's given it to him yet. I told her I thought a letter was a great idea. Her dad gets very defensive, so maybe she could get it all out on paper and at least feel like she'd been "heard".

Thanks everyone for your ideas. I really appreciate it.


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What really helped me has been letting go of their relationship in small increments.

At first, I was bitter and had anger at stuff he would tell DD, but I've backed off almost completely and it's better. I can't stand to see DD's pain and loss, but she's no dummy and she'll figure it out. She'll learn to protect her heart and she's already giving him hell for things like being late or leaving her off early. He'll earn that himself.

It's been good and leaves little for him to complain about me for. I can't be accused of anything if I'm silent and though hard with emotions, I also have pride in it.

There is a certain amount of letting go of a child when this happens to us and it's hurt a lot. I've had to find other places to put the feelings and still work on that.

The more involved you are in their relationship, the more it could bite you, LadyQ. WH in this situation did not take kindly to advice I had or worries about DD if he did not ask something so I learned quickly to stay out of it.

What I do is comfort her in hard emotional times with hugs and "I'm sorry's" but not a bad word about him. I keep them to myself or have a friend who will hear a rant-or come here to SI.

What I wonder is if your WH was talking about the amount of time he would spend with your DD-or not-and that's what he meant? That could be a nice angle to try to tell her if she broaches it with you again, but my advice will remain to stay the heck out of it.

I'm sorry for your struggle, for it's a ton to sort out and it happens fast.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess


Posts: 2134 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 15

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