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User Topic: Understanding...it's so hard
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had posted my story over a year ago and had shared it with my then girlfriend Robin and we tried to work through the pain of her cheating on me last February just days after I had told her I loved her. It was a long distance relationship and somehow I worked it through, never really knowing the depth of the infidelity.

I worked so damned hard talking about my feelings and she expressing remorse...We spent the entire summer together last year and I proposed to her in December. The love I felt for her, the closeness, the things in common, the works were deeper than anything I had ever felt..And I am 53 years old.

As it got closer to the date of her moving to my home from Puerto Rico, things got tense and she felt very cold and distant to me, almost exactly the kind of vibe I had felt when she was unfaithful. behold I didn't listen to my better judgment and she finally moved here this past summer. Things got tense after about a week and within 3 weeks, after she had humiliated me by belittling a very expensive gift I had given her pre engagement in front of my friend (who had told me she was cheating on me when she suddenly disappeared for a weekend), She referred to the expensive watch as "Marking my territory"...that was really it for me...Long story short, I ended the engagement and she moved back home.


But we had talked about still trying and going for therapy,etc.

Within a week of moving home, she put the man she had slept with on her Facebook page, clearly to display to me that she was back with him. I called her and she removed him..Over the next few weeks he was on and off the page a few times.

She then came to see me and while we had a 'fantastic' time, I saw she had called in her cell the day before. I finally ended it yet again but we still remained in contact....

Back onto her Facebook did he appear of course..

Then she text messaged me that I had ruined her life, her relationships with her family and never contact her again.

It sounds all so pathetic when I am posting this (short) version of the story.

I was so furious and enraged at her when she refused to talk with me that I threatened to email her sister, family and even ex husband..she laughed at me and called me 'pathetic'..

Well, that was all I needed and of course sent out the email.

Obviously (i guess?) Robin won't speak with me again and appears to be with the man she had cheated on me with early on.

My point in this post? Not sure. I guess I am amazed how much I can miss her, when she clearly always had a back up plan, not just with this man but constantly in touch with other men and her pattern was clear.

I have never felt so sick and hurt. I knew inside she was an abuser and a hater of men. Her family history is the worst I have ever heard. Abandoned with her 2 sisters at a very young age and raised by a father who had full sex with her older sister
for 2 years. The entire family history is a disaster. Her own daughter Rosana won't live with her. It seems to be 3-4 generations on her mother and fathers family of serious abuse.

Even though I ended it and saved myself unbelievable hurt and pain, I can't get her and this whole disaster out of my mind.

Maybe venting it here helps?

thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:55 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Boy, reading my own thread is hard. So pathetic.

More background on me for perspective...I've been divorced 5 years and on good terms with my ex wife..2 great successful, fairly well adjusted kids. I've only been in love 3x in my life and never felt anything near this despair I feel now..Even though I knew all along the dangers of staying with my fiancee..

Of course it was great on almost all other levels, which just added to the confusion. I suppose the thing that hurts the most, is the ice cold, completely devoid of true remorse on her part. I feel so sick and victimized..I didn't know the timeline of her cheating...Now when I think back to last February and just can't imagine spending all that time with her, only to have her run into another man's arms.

She explained' it this way,,,,"I went to him to see if I was truly in love with you"...

She has said variations of this many times...all with a completely straight face, as though it makes perfect sense!

It's unreal..simply unreal how damn stupid I was and I wasted almost two years, tons of money and heart and soul...into a sick, vapid, vacant sociopath who seemingly could not care less about me and or my feelings.

End of rant.

argh.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What kills me, is that I KNEW all this stuff about her. I have paid my dues in therapy and am successful in just about everything I do.. I have to stop beating myself up of course. While I made a mistake, it was ME who ended the relationship and kicked her abusive ass out of here..But she wormed her way back in and came back, intentionally missing the first couples therapy session we were supposed to have, and for all I know had seen this other man that day. Nothing would surprise me now.

Clearly she is incapable of empathy or of true feelings, this is why she is so hated by her family and her daughter was smart enough to get away from her.

She's a charmer, a seducer, boy is she good at what she does. Ice cold eyes,

She's rocked my world but I remind myself through it all that at least I dumped her cheating, sick self regardless of the pain it caused me.

I can't be found on dating sites for awhile, I am on 'official leave'.

Thank you all for the fantastic posts and insights. It's like you almost know who she is..

I have to laugh..right?


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oddly my cheating ex has an identical twin! Someone I am actually friendly with as dysfunctional and inappropriate as that sounds. It's been very cathartic and incredibly revealing to have her twin sister sharing with me about the meanness, ice cold manipulative stuff she herself has experienced with her twin.

Yeah, I have a 3 car garage and 6 cars..I'm the man! my problem is not meeting women, right now for the first time in my life, I am simply not available. Closed. I have things to take care of and let my ex go run into another person's life and blow it to bits. I am not going to hurt anyone and I am not going to get hurt either.

I have faith and complete confidence in the 'rightness' of all things. That there are lessons to be learned and ways to grow from challenges.

I have gone through a horrible divorce, felt like death, yet survived it and managed to overcome it all and be friends with my ex. It was my decision and somehow that didn't even help.

BUT, there at least was no infidelity.

I'm not cured, I have a ways to go to heal from this scourge that I allowed to enter my life. I feel sorry for anyone going through anything like this.

My plan is simple. I got $5k for her watch and expect $10K for her ring. I am spending it and having a good time with honest, clear and direct go go dancers! I don't want to date em. I don't want to love em. I don't want to have sex with them. But it's been revealing to imagine a stripper giving me a lap dance and watching her face morph into my ex fiancee's..
"I love you. you are an amazing man! You dress so well. You are so unusual. You can have ANY woman you want!!"

"Oh, no more money? Bye sweetie"

I kid you not. Cracks me up and it helps me be clear. Wish I had done this way sooner.

But yes, I am staying out of bars! haha


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a (bad) history of my ex doing something really sick to her twin..Basically sleeping with her ex boyfriend very soon after they broke up and it was done with the usual sociopathic, passive aggressiveness that I have come to love so much.

To make it even better, during sex the boyfriend accidentally called out her sister's name and that was it..She went nutso and broke up with him!!

Literally to seek revenge, when he called to go out for drinks again she showed up to the date.....with ANOTHER MAN.

She actually told me this....in fact, last summer when she was reading all of these great books on recovery from abuse and all this bullshit, she wrote him an emai apologizing for her actions. His response was maybe three words.

I am not being overly dramatic is saying that I believe my ex is truly a curse. A scourge, a destroyer of any man she comes in touch with. And she is seemingly clueless as to the effect of people losing their minds after such contact.

She had told me she thought her ex husband was going to kill her, she thought her daughter might kill her and when she came here a few weeks ago and I put it all together and confronted her she was literally fearing for her life. Afraid I was going to shoot her!

I said, "Shoot you?"...you are not worth the bullet or the trouble. Pack your shit and get the f out of my house..."

Then of course like a moron I saw her the next day...and then had yet another insane dramatic fight.

This is baby shit insanity. I only can share it here knowing I survived and I did not marry her, and ended it before her son moved here. .as if I had, it would have been the possible death of me.

I've beaten myself up endlessly for somehow staying in this dramatic unhealthy relationship..but I remind myself that this woman was raised to learn how to seduce and charm men..How to get them to fall in love...and she meant it as much as she is capable..Her twin shared this with me, how clearly they were taught to dress, to carry themselves to be 'arm candy'...charmers and seducers..

I wish I was completely 'cured' or totally didn't care about her..but I care much less this week than last, less today then yesterday and finally know, I would not see her again. I will never ever make this mistake again. My whole life has been careful to never put up with abuse..I have clear boundaries in this regard...but boy when I make a mistake...I really make a mistake..


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I won't repeat this mistake and I don't care about her f'ed up life and abuse problems. I made the mistake of learning too much, understanding too much and clearly caring too much. She has all the books, we read all the books, she played like she gave a shit about understanding her sickness. it's all bullshit and she wears a 'mask' to pretend. She is a fake person. An illusion. It's insane..just insane.

I was in therapy for years and dealt with the issues I needed to deal with and have had a great life on almost all levels and stopped therapy as I didn't need it anymore..

Well...back to the drawing board. I have an amazing therapist who is helping me so much. I kick myself for avoiding therapy way in the beginning of this sick relationship. It would have saved me so much time, money and grief and in the in smallest chance of it 'helping' is work out our problems, it would have been worth it. But I did know it all and I saw every single warning sign, warning flag, there were so so many, I knew it, I spoke about it and I screwed up thinking that knowledge and communication were enough.

Clearly it's not.

Simply said, she is a very very damaged and sick woman, who is, has and will be suffering for a long time, unless she chooses to just live the life of an unfeeling sociopath, playing men against eachother and acting in such hurtful and destructive ways.

All the while blaming the world and any and everyone for her troubles.

I wish I could hold onto the hate. Or pity.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does feel like many songs are written about her. She is not suicidal, although a suicide attempt by her would cheer me up..lol.

She is ice cold. It's frightening. She has been healthier than me though in her ability to completely move on after I finally burned the bridge by telling the truth about her. I have made fast big progress in the last week or so and have not contacted her at all. Thats a first and is getting easier as there is really nothing to say anymore and it's more pathetic than anything trying to be 'friends' with her when she clearly could not care less about me.

I do wanna be clear and defend myself just a bit,,,NOT INTO HOOKERS! never have been, never will be..and the stripper thing is more of a cathartic game than anything. I have no desire to be with one. Years ago I did and it was a joke..I'm very secure with women and in my ability to atttract them.

The question does exist and I am working on what the attraction was with my ex and it's not that hard to figure out. I liked the challenge. I liked her strength, I liked so much about her but I remind myself daily, I saw through her bs and I threw her out..

I might miss her. I might dream about her and all that..but she is gone because of me and it is good.

Her family is as cold as she is, she would never harm herself and if she did they would have no pity or sympathy. These people have 3-4 generations of child abuse and insanity in their blood.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
MadLlama
♂ New Member
Member # 40888
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm out of all of this crap.

she doesn't deserve my love, support or help and she has done the wrong thing more often than the right thing.

I wish I never met Robin and as memories fade I am clear that whatever we had together was much less than I ever thought. I was not prepared to meet a unfeeling shark and person devoid of human emotion and feelings.

I've looked within to figure out what was wrong with me to love a vapid hurtful sociopath (piece of shit works well too), who did nothing but make sure I never felt safe and steady around her.

She tried to destroy me and blamed me for it every step of the way.

I've come too far in my life to allow a POS like her to rain on my parade.

I've survived and am better for it.

She will spend the rest of her days looking for love and I doubt she ever will find a man who offered her more or understood her better. But it's moot, as if she did find such a man, she would be sure to destroy him out of habit.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds good for you to stick with the IC for awhile yet...
and please hit the edit button, to remove personal identifiers, ok?

Posts: 6531 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 12:56 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MadLlama -

Please do not post personal information.

PERSONAL INFORMATION: Do not post personal information on the forums. Use caution sharing your personal information via private message. YOU are responsible for the personal information you share on the Internet.


Posts: 34670 | Registered: Mar 2011
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