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Newest Member: Chivalrous (45316)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Some behavior/tricks
Running the Race
♂ Member
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My emotions are a roller coaster right now, my posts are all over the place. I wanted to ask some random questions about what people do after a divorce, and what, if anything it all means.

1st: I expect to see my exwife with a brand new haircut- the women may be able to answer this, but this seems rather temporary to me. Very short lived. Not something dealing with whatever issues my ex had.
What is the best response when i see it? Ignore? Compliment?

2nd: posting inspirational quotes or "moving on" quotes on Facebook or Internet. It's been my experience that this really goes nowhere as well, My exwife posted, "I choose Joy" once, she got a lot of "likes", I came home that same day and she was all depressed and crying on the floor. This was when she was looking for a job so she could leave me. For the record, I comforted her (about a year ago during R).

3rd: always trying to smile, and use a "happy tone", to me.

4th: finding God. This isn't a bad thing, but it seems like the person entirely changes and has new strength. But do they?

Are these tricks to make me think she is doing great and moving on just fine? Look, I'm not trying to win her back, I'm trying to heal and be indifferent. It's just strange to hurt so much, and see these signs like the other person isn't going through it...

Are there any other behaviors or changes I should expect to see?

[This message edited by Running the Race at 7:35 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]


BS-Me (38)
FWW-(37)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're indifferent, none of those behaviors will make an impact on you. You can choose to respond or not, but frankly, they seem to me like ploys to GET a response. I'd ignore, but I don't like to play those types of games. Parchisi is cool and so is Chutes and Ladders. Emotional games? Not so much.

Indifference will come. But don't try to force it.

As to other behaviors, I couldn't say. I've tried my best to ignore the stupidity other than what pertains to my kids...


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
kg201
♂ Member
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not divorced, yet, but I am trying to get to the indifference place. It hurts too much to care, knowing that my WW doesn't.

Those FB quotes...what is it with those posts that get our goat? My WW posted one about finding her inner strength, finally...implying that she finally had the strength to leave my ass. All it took was me finding an email and confronting her about her lies.

Don't worry about whether her behavior is tricks or not. It doesn't matter. What do you need to heal that doesn't involve her?


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2013
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My advice:

1. Ignore the haircut. She fired you from the job of the loving husband who tells his wife how great her hair looks. You don't need to say a thing. I chopped my hair shorter and did not want to hear a word out of XWH's mouth about it (even positive words).

2. Block her on FB. Why are you reading anything she posts on there? It will only emotionally set you back. We all know that people post pictures and quotes that make their lives look perfect when they are really in bad shape.

3. She's happy? Be polite and civil. No need to respond happily in kind, but don't call her out on it. The more you practice your polite but indifferent demeanor toward her, the more second nature it will become.

4. If she's found God, well, maybe it will be a good thing as long as she doesn't preach to you. Otherwise, ignore it. She may very well go through all sorts of phases and changes, but again, she fired you from the job where you're supposed to care about that.

It's hard at first, but you will become more and more indifferent over time if you work at it and make it the new way you respond to her. Now, I barely speak to XWH; the longest conversation we had lately in person lasted about 30 seconds and was only because our DD was sick, and we needed to talk about her care. I hardly look at the man, and as long as he's not doing something to hurt our kids, I don't care if he grows a beard, starts speaking with an English accent, and takes up cricket. His life, his issues, no longer my concern.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Detach. Now. You need to do this for your sanity. I know it's hard, but I'd love to spare you the pain that you'll feel if you don't do it.

Read this:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/divorce/no_contact.asp

Cut it out, shrink it and carry it with you at all times. Read it often. I can't emphasize this enough.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Running the Race
♂ Member
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, just a few clarifiers, I see her when she picks up the kids, so I figure I'll see a new haircut soon.
Also, I did block her FB page, I'm pointing out this long rollercoaster of R we tried for a year.
As far as God goes, she seems to really dive into her church, but at the same time she goes out drinking with her friends. It's sad, but this is what my 12 year old told me.
I'm working on detaching, doing my best.
Thanks.


BS-Me (38)
FWW-(37)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
shiloe
♀ Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she seems to really dive into her church, but at the same time she goes out drinking with her friends

A lot of WS try to justify what they did by showing what a good Christian they are. It is not going to church or quoting scripture, it is her behavior that counts. She knows what she did is wrong.
My ex and MOW quoted scripture to each other and talked about how God talked to them about their relationship and he told me what a "good Christian" she is. This while both are M and in A with each other.
Yeah, right. What ever helps you look in the mirror.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 608 | Registered: Mar 2003
Topic Posts: 7

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