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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Shutting off the Rumor Mill
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions and Small Vent

Well, X is at his shenanigans again, but is taking the secrecy to new levels.

It is messing up my control over my emotions and I'm at a loss for an outlet again. The rumor mill is buzzing away and unfortunately the only way I can stop it is to cut people out of my life again, but with such needs as I have currently, that's very hard.

So I'm wondering how any of you deal with rumors and any ideas for emotion control and maintaining NC when emotions are ripped open.

Perv/X is now making plans to bring DD to his universe for their visits but has no support from me and does not ask. I've had to hear this from other people.

The other part is that I am devastated because DD is actually excited about it and I am sick over that. When I told her about OW, she said, "traitor" to me, and was gushing at him. I was doing really well for a time but after bringing the baby home and now this, I'm not coping well emotionally.

People are reaching out to help me, but these people speak of having to accept OW, and I simply cannot bear that.

ETA, he tells me that he will not try to take the kids away from me, but I can't believe a word he says. He says he's made a place for her there and I vomit and panic over this and have to get hold of myself, very quickly.

I cannot stand the thought of my daughter with that horrible group of people. There are no morals, they lie and she is so eager to please her father and get his acceptance, I'm just worrying all over again.

And...he told her that "it upsets mom, so don't talk about it to her", but then tells me he didn't tell her to keep secrets. Secrets are next to lies and have already ruined enough. Now we have to have more?

The baby is only a week old and this was dropped on me again.

I don't really know what to deal with first? Who is there to trust any more?

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:35 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
FieldsOfLavender
♀ Member
Member # 39154
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

People are reaching out to help me, but these people speak of having to accept OW, and I simply cannot bear that.

ETA, he tells me that he will not try to take the kids away from me, but I can't believe a word he says. He says he's made a place for her there and I vomit and panic over this and have to get hold of myself, very quickly.

I cannot stand the thought of my daughter with that horrible group of people. There are no morals, they lie and she is so eager to please her father and get his acceptance, I'm just worrying all over again.

I'm in a similar boat as you. The baby with whore is about 3 months away - I'm guesstimating. His first child, our 8 yo dd, is all about being with her father ALL the time. My DD also likes whore.

STBX drops bombs on me evey 3 - 4 weeks.


Posts: 190 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
pjkmkjm23
♂ Member
Member # 35778
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland13: I wish I could say something that would help you but I'm in the same boat and I'll tell you, it's just about the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I too have been told that I should accept OM will be in my children's life, and I do only because I have no legal way of stopping it, but no matter what I don't have to like it. What's worse is the kids seem to like him and that just grates at me. I wanna scream and remind everyone that he has no morals or integrity and he played a big part in blowing up our family life but I would never do that to my kids....so I grit my teeth and act happy for the kids when they tell me about something he bought them (because he always seems to be trying to buy my kids affection) or something they did together.

Oh and I was told by the ex that she would never try to replace me, that I will always be our kids daddy, yet I've heard some things she's doing that contradict that and some of her actions sure don't look like it's important to her at all that I be in the kids life....in fact she acts like her world would be perfect if I would just *disappear*....but legally she can't get rid of me so I guess there's that. I'm careful to listen to what the kids tell me and I speak up and defend myself or I tell the truth about certain things in an age-appropriate way to the kids when needed. Nature_Girl recommended a book to me that's been a huge help, called "Divorce Poison". Although that book is geared towards parents dealing with parental alienation there is a lot of other good stuff in there you may find useful. Before I read it, I kept my mouth shut around my kids and I just believed that if I act as I always do with them, loving them and being a good dad to them, that no matter what happens over at their Mom's house when they're there they would never become distant from me, or believe any bad things they may be told about me by their Mom, or whatever. Well "Divorce Poison" taught me that what I was doing could in fact hurt me actually (depending upon what Mom was doing/saying anyhow) and that there is appropriate times to speak up, to defend yourself, to tell the truth about things (in a careful, age-appropriate way) and how to ensure that BOTH parents remain important parts of our children's life's. I highly recommend that book now too.

One other thing...and I wish I knew who posted this so I could credit them....but I read here on SI one day that a parent said something to the effect that there could never be to many people in her child's life that loved them! That's stuck with me and I strive really hard to remember that in my own situation....as much as I abhor the OM....if he's good to my kids and is being a positive role model (now anyways....he clearly wasn't when he was actively taking part in blowing up our family!) and.....ugh....if he actually loves them....then how can that be a bad thing for my children and why would I want to stop it? (keep in mind I make that last comment knowing that I could never take my ex back again....that no matter how remorseful she could get if she ever wanted too...that we will never be together again. So I'm at the point that I'd rather see her in a stable relationship - even if it's with the AP/OM - if she's going to have the children a portion of the time, rather than bouncing from bf to bf.)


Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
monarchwings
♀ Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland I am mostly a lurker but I did not realize you had your baby just a week ago. I hope its okay to send congrats. Just remember your emotions would be all over the map right now even under the best circumstances. The fact ia your X is a total dickhead and the rumor mill is probably just about that.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jul 2013
monarchwings
♀ Member
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry..phone issues. Just remember you have a virtual community that is rallying around you. Now put your Sandra Bullock glasses and walk with dignity or fake it as best you can. Try and remember you are tired and your hormones are in high gear. And do what you need to do to survive the road from hell. I am so mad for you. Is there someone in your pocket who is with you?

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jul 2013
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ditto monarch - and I'm so sorry Ashland - but your hormones will be out of wack for a while making a difficult situation that much MORE difficult.

And LOVE the comment about Sandra Bullock - channel your inner SB Ashland - hold your head high and focus on the baby right now. ((Hugs))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4456 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland,

Congrats on bringing your sweet baby home, and I'm so sorry that at the same time you're being faced with all this other crap. It's just so unfair.

I have no kids and so no real advice to give, I can only send hugs and positive thoughts your way.

You're so strong, you will get through this.

((Ashland))


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 745 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ashland, I also didn't realize you'd had your baby. Congratulations!

I so feel your pain. My kids have been staying at the Gnat and Hello Kitty's house for a couple of months now. It sucks. Dd loves Hello Kitty and her dogs. I keep trying to tell myself that it's good Hello Kitty is nice to her, but it still makes me crazy. The though of that stupid whore touching my sweet babies makes me want to vomit. I don't know how she can look at their sweet faces and feel good about participating in the destruction of their family.

This has to be a lot to deal with on top of the new baby. I hope you have a good support system in place. Hugs to you and sniff that sweet newborn smell for me.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 876 | Registered: Mar 2013
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, everybody. Bringing the baby home brought out a bunch of wretched emotions and hearing Perv's plans through other people has me up and down. One "good" thing is that the anger is coming and though unhealthy is better for me than the tears. I find I can protect myself better in anger mode than the bouts of tears. And, I get more done!, lol.

ETA He also has this sudden need for me to hear about his new life and I don't want to, it's a huge trigger that I don't have a handle on right now. He's trying to force me to believe that it's a safe place for these children, but it is with OW and I cannot fathom that at present.

He pushed again so I told DD about OW and that "daddy has a house and other life" and she is frantic to go there and be part of it and this devastated me. So I have to figure out a way to let go of more pain and anger and perhaps in letting go of her a little bit emotionally, can do that? He will force this regardless for I believe that OW is a pushy wench besides.

Yes, only a week I was given of respite from the crap before noise started coming through the wires. And it's more than one person saying the same thing, so he is clearly preparing for something if he's yakking in groups of people.

The sheer gall of this man should not surprise me anymore, but still does sometimes. He will say to my face, various things or via electronic means will say a semi-caring thing or that he "wants to help" but then hearing these rumors about his plans with DD before I hear them-in my mind, this is the opposite of what he's telling me?

But as some of you have said, with the hormones/mood swings, I don't know how good my brain's filter is at the moment.

I do just keep plugging away at keeping up defense and watching my back-I wish I had a hat with a mirror on it so I could see what was coming to whack me from behind, next.

Again, many thanks, everybody.

My local support system is getting tired of hearing of these problems, it's nearing 2 years and so there aren't a lot of people to turn to anymore. Or people say, "Tell the lawyer", and then I get dinged a few hundred bucks for a one-line message, and that's just the "business end" of the rocky boat.

There are good blessings to count and in darkest hours I sit with the baby or play a game with DD and try to collect myself again.

It was a pretty harsh labor, it got complicated but was short. There was a team of 8 people all telling different directions, many, many tubes protruding out and the doctor singing "Happy Birthday" at the other end.

But it's done. One thing, mercifully, done.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 10:44 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
rainagain
♀ Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations on your new baby Ashland.

I think you are amazingly strong. I just wanted to say that anger can be healthy. Channel it to benefit you - set some boundaries to stop the rumors reaching you. You have every right to tell people to talk to the hand. You have every right to focus on your children and yourself only.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Ashland & kids)))) Congratulations on the baby, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24920 | Registered: Aug 2011
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the well wishes.

DS was born at exactly noon on the 27th.

He's the tiniest little boy and hungry all the time.

He and his sister keep me going.

And I can wear blue jeans again!!!! Hooray, Levi's!


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Topic Posts: 12

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