I lost it on the phone today. WBF called while on his lunch break. We usually spend that time talking about whatever. Today, the topic went downhill fast.
I made the comment that I was worried he didn't spend time with his friends, his age, anymore. He said he liked it this way. He says he loves his life being about my kids, me, our home, his work, and US. He doesn't need those friends. We have our friends as a couple (all much older than him). This worries me.
Anyway, I brought up that every time we are around a group in his age bracket, I see him act different. Almost like he's "trying" and "wanting" to fit in with them. I see it as him missing that, and by being with me, he's stifling his true wants.
I should explain that we are twenty years apart (I'm 46, he's 26). This relationship wasn't supposed to go anywhere. At least not for me. I had the issues with the age difference. He wanted it, and I felt it couldn't possibly survive. I don't want to be a 65 year old woman one day, with a 45 year old husband who is chasing after anything in a skirt. I've been hurt so much already in my past. He ended up cheating early on in our relationship, and I didn't find out about it until after we were already living together. He seems beyond remorseful, and is showing me every thing he needs to, to make this work. But because of my age and experience, I'm fighting it, and have my doubts.
Today, when he said he only wanted me, I threw back at him an example of how I see him eventually cheating again, and why I still have endless doubt.
Last year, I ran a 5k mud run, with a beer/music fest, and campout after. He met up with me that evening, to do the camping with me. By 1130, I needed to crash. I had been up since 4am, going on 3 hours of sleep, ran the race with 15 obsticles, had hiked both of our camping gear in, and did I mention I'm 46! When I said I was going back to the tent, he decided to hang around the campfire with the people close to his age, to include these idiot perky 20ish girls. He eventually got back to the tent, and I just ignored him and went to sleep. I never called him out on his shit. And at this time, I wasn't aware of his cheating in our past.
So today, while on the phone... it hit me like a ton of bricks. That shit had said how much he wanted to go camping with me, yet he stayed with the other people, when I went back to the tent??? Ummm, he didn't run the race, and was supposed to be there to be with ME. So one year later, on the phone today, I let him have it (about all his games).
I don't think I've had a chance to yell at him during all of this (about his lies and ONS). My children are usually always home, when we are home together, and the last thing I want is for them to be scared over any yelling. So I've held this shit in.
I'm so fucking pissed right now. This shit, his actions, it sucks the fun out of everything. I can't go out with him, without me thinking he's wanting to fuck the chick next to us. I can't watch my children's sports without me thinking asshole is checking out the other mommies. I can't go to a store or a theater or a football game without me realizing he is probably there more interested in the tits and ass.
Yep, I could be wrong. But this is what their lies and betrayals have left us with. Damn them!!!
I couldn't figure out why I can't get the motivation to go back to the gym, or have a night out with girl friends, or start running again, or sign up for this year's 5k.
Well damn... it's because his actions stole the joy out of all of it.
And frick, camping? Something I love... thank you WBF for sucking the joy from that too.