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User Topic: Retribution
Grilla
♂ New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So after battling the urge for a little payback, I've decided to take my friend up on her offer. I've only been with one woman my whole life. My filthy cheating wife. I could sit here and whine about what she did to my ego and my heart or I can have a little playtime myself. She kept her affair going for a year and a half all while looking in my eyes and convincing me that I was delusional about it all. I'm bitter and looking for Retribution. Am I a bad person?

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I don't feel you are a bad person. I feel you are a very hurt and angry person.

I don't feel you are going to get what you are seeking by having a revenge fuck. (((Grilla))) Please rethink. You will be damaging yourself more and your marriage, also.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I revenge affair is never a good thing. I can certainly understand it, but it will not give you what you seek in a relationship, it will not fix what your WS did, and it will lower your own self-esteem in the end. I think all BS's feel like this at one time or another, but it really doesn't help. BTDT.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Grilla
♂ New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm thinking a full blown under the table love affair Sister Milkshake.
Maybe see how long I can keep a straight face as she searches for the truth in my eyes as I did her. Who knows, maybe ill fall in love like she said that she did with her boyfriend. If so, maybe I will pack my belongings and just disappear with my new woman.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grilla, I totally understand. Leave your WW first. Divorce. Fall in love. Be an honorable man, a man of integrity. Anything started in deceit will most likely not end well.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain behind this thought process is so intense. I am so sorry you are in that dark place. It sucks.

Your plan won't do what you think it will. It will bring you to her level and that's not a place you want to be.


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 754 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mate, you are aware that VA is a fault state? Just something to think about. I can understand where you are coming from, I think it crosses the minds of a few of us after DDay. Before you do that though, spend some time down in the Mad Hatters section of ICR. Personally, I don't think having a revenge affair will give you the satisfaction that you think it will, because now you will have betrayed yourself as well as being betrayed by your wife. If you want to fuck other women - divorce your wife.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3748 | Registered: Dec 2011
Grilla
♂ New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never knew this kind of pain was possible. I've been an honorable man and true to her. She ripped my heart out and threw me away for a 57 year old man. Trips to LA, local hotels, even parks. Betrayal is one hell of a way to repay a man that has been by your side through 23 years of loyalty.
She has damaged me beyond repair. Ill never be the same person. I'm ruined.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
Grilla
♂ New Member
Member # 40299
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm also drunk at work and I really don't give a damn.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Virginia
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((grlla))

STOP !!! Don't self medicate with alcohol, this just lowers inhibitions, and makes you feel lousy later. It's also unhealthy.

Don't self Medicate with sex either. It ends badly in every case I have seen here.

It's ok that you are hurt and hurting. It sucks that she did this to you, but you are worth more. Time to pull yourself up by your boot straps, and go to work. Go to an attorney, find out your rights, go to your dr get STD tested, and get some meds for anxiety at a minimum. Get your head straight, and figure out what you want.

Then methodically go about getting it, but not casual sex to get back at her, you will just end up in more pain, and yes it is possible to hurt more thatn you do now.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been an honorable man

Stay that way. I get that you're hurting. What do you see in the mirror? A guy devastated, in pain, hurting? Yet behind that is a man with honor.

Right now, today, you've been hurt by the person you gave vows to. Don't give up the core of who you are! Don't sacrifice your belief in you.

You will get through this brother. Keep posting, we'll help.

Sending you MOJO!


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2551 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grilla. If you take a moment to think about it. True retribution isnt possible.

You cant break an already broken vase.

If you want true revenge I suggest you D your WW. Then find some perfect woman who will never cheat on you. And live a happy life enjoying every day with her. THAT is perfect revenge.

If you stay M to your WW then revenge is off the table. There is nothing you can do that will even the score. The M is already broken. You breaking it more will do nothing. You will end up feeling hollow and stupid and dirty.

One other thing.

We BSs are always saying that our WS choice to cheat is on them. That to blame us by pointing to M problems is a unjust excuse. That their choice had nothing to do with us and everything to do with them.

If you choose a revenge affair you do so NOT because your WW cheated. You do that because you are not an honorable person and instead are a self involved narcissist. If you choose a revenge affair you do not hold the high ground. If you are wanting to level the playing field you will end up down in the gutter with your WW.

Choosing a revenge affair is the same as choosing to cheat on your wife had she not cheated herself. Cheating is cheating. A revenge affair is not higher or more noble than what your wife did.

IMO it is best to choose to be an honorable person with integrity.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3361 | Registered: Sep 2007
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grilla,

Madhatter here. I've been in your shoes, and I did what you plan to do. Take a listen to me brother.

Just like any A, it WILL make you feel better for a little while. And it won't be worth it.

In my case, my WW was urging me to "have one of my own" until I gave in. It didn't punish her at all, it just let her off the hook, and delayed our ultimately successful R for years. Years!

It also set me up for a lifetime of PTSD because I betrayed my own moral code. Actions out of sync with values suck. Betrayal is always terrible, but self-betrayal is the worst of all.

And, even though I had the tacit permission of my AP's H, I lit the match that blew up their M and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Other than that, worked out "well".

[This message edited by MoreWould at 3:03 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grilla,

Sorry you are hurting. The pain is intense, and cause us to have some really crazy ideas sometimes.

As the others said, this is a bad idea.

You've already been through so much pain, and you are still going through pain. A "revenge affair" is really just a fancy word for cheating. It's self destructive behavior. Do you really want to cause yourself even more pain?

I'm glad you came here to talk about this. That tells me that there's a big part of you that doesn't want to do this, and knows that it's wrong. There's a lot of folks who have been through similar thoughts and experiences, and have been able to heal immensely.

Hang in there and keep talking to us, man...


Posts: 6239 | Registered: Dec 2010
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My filthy cheating wife.

I certainly relate to that sentiment, Grilla.

I could sit here and whine about what she did to my ego and my heart or I can have a little playtime myself.

Don't do it, Grilla. You'll just be a "filthy cheating husband." Your standards, values and mores are yours to protect, no one else's actions can take them away from you. Remember this:

23 years of loyalty

Are you willing to sell that out for temporary gratification? Don't give her the power to make you less than you are.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1327 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Montreal
♂ Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best revenge is to hold the moral high ground. Trust me. As MoreWould said you having an affair won't hurt her, it will just let her off the hook. If you don't do it, no matter what happens, for the rest of your relationship you will be able to look at her and say "yeah, but at least I didn't cheat on you."

There is a reason why they hate that so much. Because there is really no comeback for it. Hell, if you use it enough they'll leave you because it hurts THEM too much. THAT's really the only weapon we have for retribution, and it's a good one. I don't suggest that you use it all the time, but it's a nice tool to have in the arsenal. Don't give it up.

[This message edited by Montreal at 1:13 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


DDay: July 6, 2013
"not divorcing"

Posts: 70 | Registered: Sep 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grilla,

You didn't deserve to be treated the way your WW treated you, no doubt about that. I would also say that you deserver to treat yourself better too.

If you D you can put your WW and her A in the past for good. If you have a RA, that will travel with you the rest of your life.

You deserve to be happy. Sometimes that means tough, sad, choices. But you can make it through this.


I feel for you brother, I really do.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
refuz2bavictim
♀ Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it. If you can't live with the betrayal, separate and find happiness elsewhere.

I will pack my belongings and just disappear with my new woman.

If that's what you want to do, by all means do it. But do it with integrity. Leave your wife and find a new person to share your life with.

Because any woman willing have an A with you and is willing to run off with you in secret is exactly the same as your

filthy cheating wife.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ill never be the same person.

Probably not buy who knows. I believe you guarantee it if you follow through with retribution, unless thatís who you are. Myself - I donít want to be the same person.

I'm ruined.

That does not need to be your outcome. Itís ok to feel this pain and know it will get better for you. Keep working on finding healthy ways to work through the pain, not damage yourself.


[This message edited by foundoutlater at 1:18 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How are you doing, Grilla?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 25
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