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Newest Member: brokenmess (44282)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do I adress this - re: dd and her fear of me remarrying???
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me preface this with being very clear that me remarrying is no where near on the radar. Not at all. Don't even know if I want to. Not even ready to consider it.

So, I've been casually dating a nice guy for about a month. My girls have not met him, nor do I plan to introduce him any time soon. We speak on the phone after the kids are in bed, only. We text, but I text with a lot of people so the kids are used to seeing em text. I only see this guy on weekends I do not have the girls, so there is zero disruption to their world.
So, last night we were speaking on the ohone and my oldest dd (who is 11) called out for me from her bed. I went to see what was the matter and she was beside herself in tears, sobbing "I don't want you to get married again!!"

What the WAHT??? Where did this come from???? I reassured her that I was not getting remarried any time soon. Not even on the horizen. I asked her if she heard me talking on the phone and she said yes. This was 10:30 at night mind you.
I went on to tell her there would be no surprises, no surprise marriages and that I would not spring anythign on her. That was the right thing to say, right??? Do you all think this stems from the fact that her dad basically left the marital home and less than a month later said "here's my new partner, soon to be your new stepmom, and oh by the way you will have a new sister too." ????

This is what I feared. Fallout years later. So what I need to do with her is just be the steady mom, be strong, etc. In case I had any fleeting thoughts of introducing anyone soon, well, forget that.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2568 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My mom and dad both got remarried about a year after their divorce. I hated it but at the time I couldn't really find the words.

The best thing I could think of was that I wasn't ready to get married agian. Its the only way I could put it.

I lost alot of my mom when she remarried. Instead of a mom that was there for me 100%, now i had to share and mind another guy that I really didnt like. She took his side on pretty much everything (united front you know) and so I just felt like she left me out.

Its hard because my mom really loved him and was doing what was right for her, but still - at the time it felt so selfish on her part to just up and get married without seeing if we were ok with it first.

I think you did the right thing, I think you are right in thinking that with her Fathers upheaval and all the changes, she really needs the stability to help stablize her new very changed world.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1684 | Registered: Sep 2012
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine are 13 and 14. Similar situation of a quick introduction to OW which caused some upheaval. Divorced 3 years this December.

I've just started dating someone seriously and the girls are a little freaked. Figured out what they want from me is honestly. So, i let them ask me whatever they want and try to be honest - you know, within reason of what is age appropriate.

They haven't met him, i asked if they wanted to and they said "nope"
So once they knew the story and that i wasn't keeping anything from them, they were fine.

I'd say at 11 its best to let her know what you told us here. But i think she needs to get used to mommy dating. You have an opportunity to handle this the right way.


Posts: 236 | Registered: Feb 2011
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You did great! Assure dd that if/when you start even thinking about any changes to the family that it will be a family decision.

My H asked each of our 4 children (2 his 2 hers) for permission before he proposed. Obviously we'd never consider marriage to someone who doesn't love our child and vice-versa so we had the answers before he even asked...


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You’re doing great (((nutmegkitty and DD))).

Much like with your own triggers, familiar scenarios that played out badly are going to dredge up horrible feelings, even if the scenario itself is pretty benign. You dating, especially in the manner you are, is okay, and shouldn’t be disruptive to her life with you, but given the history with her dad, being out of the loop on major decisions is going to lead her down that triggery path to worse case scenario. More dialogue about your dating life, and why you were keeping it under wraps, might go a long way to reassure her.


Posts: 3256 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you handled it very well. Continue to include your daughter in your life (age appropriate) and keep those doors of communication open!


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:49 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think where this comes from is exactly where you thought it did. Her Dad blindsided her, and she feels 'less important' to him now because of it - and she's frightened that if you married again that would happen with you too. What you do with it is, exactly what you did do. You handled it great nutmegkitty. Carry on telling her that you will always be totally honest with her, always have her best interests at heart and reassure her just how important to you she and her sister are and that that will never be changing no matter what happens in the future.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 4:50 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1837 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you handled it really well nutmeg, and you were honest, and I think she knows you will continue to be.

And it seems pretty logical that her anxiety stems from the idiotic way her father handled things. Now you can show her how those things should be handled, if and when that situation develops.

((Hugs))


Me: BW-43
Him: XWH-43
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4375 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nutmeg,

Awhile ago I posted to my thread essentially the same thing.

My 9 year old son is aware of what his mom did and why I am divorcing her. (I never told him; he figured it out.)

He has since expressed great concern and even fear that I will find a girlfriend and get married again. I assured him, like you, that this was the furthest thing from my mind and the only thing that was and is important to me was him and his sister. (Which is of course the truth.).

Someone on SI responded to my post by astutely recognizing that my DS would frame my finding a girlfriend as an abandonment of him. His mom already left our family, so this is understandable and sad. But I told him very firmly the above and he felt better. :-)

This is such a tragedy for our young children.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've done the right thing by telling her. Now all that is left is to show her how it should be done when you value your children in your life.

Keep reassuring her, my kids therapist told me that my kids needed to hear it often and she was right!

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 4851 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for your reassurances and your feedback. It means a lot.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2568 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 11

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