I have been thinking about the last time I see her. I'll see her at closing of course but I was wondering your thoughts on a last get together. The deed is done. I have some things I want to say to her and some questions I want to ask. Face to face. I want to bring a bottle of champagne, toast in the glasses we had specially made for the wedding, then smash them. I don't want to be nasty and I'll not permit her to be either. I just want a little closure. Or should I just walk away? Not even let her know I'm gone until I reach out come tax season?
You will never get your chance to say what you need to say and then ride off into the sunset with a giant sigh of relief after the ceremonial glass smash. That's a good fantasy, but not a reality.
Unfortunately, they leave us enveloped in a mess and we are left to our own devices to climb out of it and find our own version of closure. It's a process and won't happen all at once.
I think the closest we ever get to closure is acceptance that what's done is done and that the person you married is dead.
Focus on you and your awesome plan of moving away to the beach. Find your center and your peace and your new you without her. She's no longer part of this. It's all about you.
I can completely understand the symbolism to you but really those things seldom go well. I'd like to have at least one of those beautiful flutes back. My X and I are even civil bordering on friendly and I still would not go there.
No amount of answers. No amount of talking. No amount of symbolism will ever add any more closure, provide understanding or add to the healing.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Just walk away. No questions, no speech, no emotion or last parting sentiment. Don't give her any reaction, just a poker-face. When she is alone (or not) some day in the future (distant or not so distant), in the still darkness of the night, unable to sleep, and her mind is turning, ---let her think of you walking away, what she did, what she had and what she lost. Not the ego boost of showing emotional reaction of losing her, she is not worth it, don't give her even that. Leave with your honest faithful head held high. YOU kept your vows.
[This message edited by shiloe at 7:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
You will find closure, but not through her. It will come, in time, from within you.
I like LifeIsBroken's advice to sign the documents before she arrives. Next best, sign them, shake everyone's hand at the table,including hers, friendly, as though you're OK. Turn around and walk out.
(O.K. ..... You could casually take your wedding ring off and just casually toss it in the trash can, on the way out the door, if you could pull that off!)
Seriously, my friend, I feel your pain. For me, there was no closure other than the realization that my xWW was and is not the person I thought she was, did not want the same things I wanted and cared much less for me than I thought.
Strength to you.
Just call your real estate agent or the closing company. Explain that the signings will need to be conducted separately, with NO chance of seeing her. Either different days or pm/am. They have to do this ALL the time.
Don't put yourself through the emotional turmoil of seeing her and signing away your home.
The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis. - Dante Alighieri
Which is so true. There is no answer she can give you that will make any of this okay, or justifiable. Nothing she can say that will make you feel any better. Based on my own experience, I can say that a harsh response from her will hurt. But a kind one will hurt worse. Because it will remind you of what has been lost.
For that same reason, I engineered things carefully at the end, regarding signatures, paperwork etc to avoid seeing XWH. I found that just seeing him was painful, because on the surface he still resembles someone that I loved with all my heart. And that was heart breaking, because I now know that he is not that person inside.
Are they his and hers glasses? Get together with some good friends, toast to your strength, your courage, and your new beginning. Smash her glass, but keep yours forever, to remind you that she is the one who was broken in the relationship, not you.
((hugs)) and hope whatever you decide to do, that it goes smoothly for you.
"You've always had the power, my dear.You just had to learn it for yourself." Glinda, Wizard of Oz
What you want is that final hit of hope-ium. You will find it no where near as satisfying as you might think.
I didn't meet with the previous owners when I closed on my house, nether will you need to talk to her. Let everything be handled by the notaries/lawyers and just walk away.
Thank you as always for the advice and wisdom.
And I agree with the others to do the closing separately--less pain for you.
So, you guys aren't being very clear. You don't think it's a good idea?
You'd get more closure sticking your hand in a blender. Seriously. It would probably hurt less and do far less damage.
Do the closing separately. Smash the glasses.
Oh, how I envy you....
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley