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User Topic: how did your home life affect your decision?
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, if it we didn't have kids when I found out my WH had an A I would be long gone. My two older kids are not his, he has raised them, coached their baseball teams, stayed up when they were sick, went to school functions etc. My two youngest are ours together.

If it wasn't for the two younger ones I would have left. The very minute I found out. In fact, after the downfall and the fighting I kicked him out that night. Our children together are the only reason I'm even here.

My sheer love for him is not the reason I stayed. I know I can find someone else, after I got over the hurt, I know this. I can live without him if I made that choice, its the children I didn't want to see suffer.


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thats a good question. I'm a lot older than you - my sons are about your age. They are grown and on their own now, yet I still think of them when I had moments where I seriously considered leaving.

Even though my children are older a divorce would have still affected them deeply, it would have changed their whole conception of their family. Dinners, holidays..all of that would change for them - and sure, they would be ok - but still my heart hurt for them.

We have a big extended family on both sides and we each get along well with our respective in-laws - I knew the hurt would affect them too.

And really, for 34 years we had a good life together, when he finally left his job, showed TRUE remorse - I was glad I stuck it out.

So - yes, my home life played a big part in my decision.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1250 | Registered: Nov 2007
PositiveAttitude
♀ Member
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely didn't want my children or I to experience a reduction in our standard of living. I also didn't want my girls anywhere around OW (I think she's a bad example of humanity, and I didn't want him to get both her AND our children - petty, I know).

But ultimately it was my love for him that kept me staying and fighting. Our marriage was never horrible. When it's great, it's phenomenal. When it's bad it's still pretty damn good! So I felt like we had a LOT to fight for.


Posts: 170 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our marriage was not terrible either, but of course H made the OW feel as if she had something to prove to him about the way she would act as opposed to me. But the betrayal in itself hurts me so bad that if it wasn't for the kids I would be gone. Granted I do love my H, very very much, and I know that eventually I would get past this but the kids are the reason I made the decision to stay. I could handle the hurt of not being with him, that would subside, but I dont want my kids to suffer for his actions.


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Pippy
♀ Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Playing the devil's advocate here... Kids imprint from their parents. That's how they learn how to interact with a spouse daily, how to show love and support, intimacy like saying 'I love you' in front of the kids, you get the idea. That's also how they choose what person to marry - by what they are familiar with when growing up.

For example, sadly, a child of an alcoholic sometimes chooses an alcoholic mate. It's what they "know' best because they grew up with it.

So if your children grow up in a "settled for" love or even loveless home, it will affect them. It's the standard they are used to, growing up. Hopefully your kids will not 'settle'.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still love my H, despite what he has done to me. I still tell him that I love him, I still try and make our home a happy home. Before all of this I never questioned my abilities as a wife and to this day have never questioned my abilities as a mother.

Before all this, and even now (although I struggle to put aside my pain to keep their lives normal while I heal) H and I would make dinner together, share the housework, show our affections, make time for the kids. We had a good relationship, one I'm hoping to get back but I know that the road for us in recovery as just begun.

Im still lost in this fog of finding out my H betrayed me. Maybe when I have found my way out of the shock and anger I will realize my feelings arent really what I thought they were. Only time will tell for sure though.


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only reason I stayed. The door would not have hit me on the way out.


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First and foremost our kids and also our sh/tty finances are really the only reason I didn't leave. There are days I'm glad those anchors are there to keep me trying, and there are days I long to be free. As time goes by I'm hoping to someday be very thankful the anchors kept me in place.

If we didn't have kids I would have left on d-day. I would have slept in a friend's couch to get the eff out of here.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
tryingagain74
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left so that I wouldn't model a dysfunctional relationship with my then-husband for my kids. I knew that I would never trust him again or want to be intimate with him again; the best we could be would be roommates. That wouldn't be healthy for me or for my kids to see, so I went for D.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3537 | Registered: Oct 2011
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do find it ironic that we BS take into account our family, children, and the love we shared when confronted with the A. After discovering my WS LTA, I had a hard time wondering why he did not think of that.
For me at this point I am marveled at how my kids are responding to him being committed. They flowers, hugs helping in house. Showing a real interest. I would have left in a heart beat. But when you see your kids and how they respond to us together it changes your mind.
I also did not want them to look at the past as I do now. Wondering what is real or not.
And there are moments I want to throw him " under the bus" and tell everyone what he did to us. It is feeling I never imagined I would have.

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankfully my kids were both in college and, although they knew of my WH disgusting A, they did not witness the full extent of the nightmare his A caused.

My kids called me one day just to let me know that they would not want me to stay in the M just because of them. Yet another reason I adore my selfless, compassionate, sweet childen.

Honestly, if my WH did not make the changes he promised I would certainly have ended the M.

I do believe that it is better for children to live in a loving single parent home than in a stressful, dysfunctional 2 parent family.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 2:16 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2087 | Registered: Nov 2011
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During the onset of the A, we were a paycheck away from foreclosure. Son was battling heroin addiction, it was "dysfunction junction" I was absolutely crazy, worried, and exhausted. My ws was mean and cruel at the time, I felt so trapped. I couldn't focus long enough to figure a way out. We moved into a rental, lost our home that we had built, but things were calming down a bit. I did not have the energy to leave or make him. I was in survival mode and prob not the best mom or wife at the time.
So it did afftect my decision...I was too overwhelmed to do anything but exist as usual.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4705 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
WIgirl
♀ New Member
Member # 40533
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been huge. We are on a long term overseas assignment, so there is nowhere to go but be together. Granted, I could have gone back to the US and he suggested that also, but I was damned if I was going to do that. I love it here (well, except for the obvious), but I wasn't going to resent losing one more thing in my life. At one point in August, he moved into an apartment, and that was a good move for both of us. It lasted 2 weeks and he's back now. It gave him some much needed perspective about not being a part of his kids' lives. But yeah...we have 2 young kids and they've played a huge part in my decision so far. I won't stay long term "just for the kids" but they are a compelling reason to not make a rash decision right now.


Me: 38 yo BW
Him: 40 yo WH
2 daughters (8, 5); married 15 yrs
DD: 6/2/13 (5 mo EA/PA with coworker)
Separated/Divorcing

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
misskirby
♀ Member
Member # 34594
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our home life made a huge impact on my decision to stay initially. My husband is in the military and we are currently living 1000 miles away from any other friends or family. So had I left, I probably would have gone back to family, since I would have needed help with our kids. Whatever else he has done though, he truly is a wonderful father and I had no desire to separate the kids from him, especially at such a distance that would make regular visits few and far between. Added to which, who knows where the military will send him next.

Once we got a little further into the process, I stayed for other reasons as well.


Me-BS, Late 20's
Him-WH, Late 20's
M 9 years, together 14
DS and DD
D-Day 1/16/12

"Long is the way And hard, that out of Hell leads up to Light" -John Milton, Paradise Lost


Posts: 204 | Registered: Jan 2012
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To paraphrase a brilliant insight from WAL:

I wasn't willing to sell my kids' future (emotionally, financially, etc.) for my own satisfaction.
A jaded person might say that's the difference between a BS and a WS.

When I found out about my wife's A, the first thing I considered when thinking about divorce was the impact to our family. When she decided to have her A, our family wasn't worth thinking about to her.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3741 | Registered: Dec 2011
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often hear on here that you should not stay for the kids but I don't think that is a correct position and it is always more complex than just that.

I gave my wife a second chance because of the kids and I wanted them to grow up in a two parent home. I stay because my wife has shown remorse and is working on changing her bad boundaries.

If I learned of her LTA before we had kids, I am not sure if I would have given the second chance.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 448 | Registered: Nov 2012
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the beginning I stayed because I loved him, thought he had ended the A, and was remorseful for what he did. He really wasn't. Now I stay because I am too ill to do otherwise. I do not have the energy to try and do what it would take to sell and seperate everything at this point, otherwise I don't think I would still be here.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said it was for our family, but in reality, I just loved him, knew he loved me, and felt that we had so much more going right than wrong. I always thought it would be a dealbreaker for me, but it wasn't. Live and learn.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1739 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

100% the innocent kids. Divorce would have meant not just splitting the family but moving, taking them out of their private school, maybe having to give away the dogs. I couldn't do that to them.

Posts: 601 | Registered: Sep 2012
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if I didn't have kids..yes I would have left. Maybe not divorced but yes separated for a long time.

Like someone else said, I would never want OW to TOUCH my children. I don't know how those that divorced handle that? I just couldn't ever live through that. I suffered for these children through high risk pregnancies. I am a sahm.. I have been their whole life. The thought of a selfish B%$# TOUCHING my children would kill me. I hate the fact that she even knows their names. She has no right to know their names! She has no right to see their pictures--she has though....she said they were cute kids and all but--how dare she even LOOK at MY children. Yes...I am saying MINE here and not ours. If he isn't goign to protect them from OW then I will.


Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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