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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: new here and need advice
whyme1525
♂ Member
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out that my wife of 9 years had a 1 1/2 year affair with a co worker and was fired from her job for it but the worst part is she had the guy In my house and my bed while I was in the hospital. She left my bed side in recovery to meet him at my house. . I accused her for the last year but she denied it I finally had to put tracking software on her cell phone to get the proof I needed when she gave me a lame excuse for being fired... is there anyway to move on from this and stay together. . That's what she wants and shows remorse now but how can I believe anything she says????

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't believe the remorse either. She wants her marriage, convenient lifestyle, security, financial comfort etc. etc.

It doesn't say she currently has any respect for you; just doesn't want a messy divorce.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
MartlArts
♀ Member
Member # 36130
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actions speak louder than words. Don't make any hasty decisions either way, focus on taking care of yourself. Watch her actions to see if the remorse is genuine.


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 1003 | Registered: Jul 2012
whyme1525
♂ Member
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I definitely don't buy the remorse. I have already seen a lawyer so that part is taken care of if I get a D. He recommended seeing a mc so we have started that we have have had two appointments together and I saw him once alone. She has also started IC on her own and I made sure she and I were tested for every std there is. There has also been nc with the og since D day witch was about 6 week's ago.. I just don't know where to go from here I'm so lost it's like im in a fog every day.. Can we actually r after she did it in my house and my bed while I was in the hospital.. Can we actually move toward together????

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see what OK now is saying and I agree with her...Many WS's fake remorse so that they can keep the comforts of home until they can find greener pastures to graze in

There is a way to cut thru all of the baloney your W dishes out , to find out if she is genuinely willing to do what it takes to repair the M..

Ask your W for a post nup( to protect you in the event of D...) Make this an absolute condition of R...

Her cooperation or lack of it will give you some answers...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:30 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
whyme1525
♂ Member
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good idea doggiediva. What conditions would you put in the post nup.. thank god we don't have kids cause if we did I would have killed her and it would have made a D messier...

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can take the WS having an affair; sneaking off to motels when the opportunity arises, or even having sex in the car. However a WW who takes her lover into the marriage bed belongs in a class by herself, and you were lying sick in the hospital when she did it. Classy dame.

What an act of contempt. Its going to be very hard to put this behind you.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome here brother...

I'm sorry for what's happened, but I am glad to see that you are reaching out for support.

Please understand that her choice to have an affair was in no way a reflection upon you. It was a choice that she made - entirely selfish and entirely destructive. Wayward spouses will often find blame in anything and everything except themselves. Until she is willing to introspect and do the necessary work to discover why she felt her behaviour was okay and to figure out what steps she needs to take towards self improvement, your marriage will not reconcile.

The very best thing you can do right now is to take care of yourself. You have to be at your best, no matter how this goes down. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally and do not be afraid to seek professional help.

Do not feel that you need to rush a decision immediately. You do this at your own pace, and in your own way. But you do this with your eyes open.

The best thing you can do right now is to think about what it is that you need to stay in this marriage (if in fact you wish to). At the very minimum I would suggest your WW expresses her remorse, accepts responsibility for her decisions, puts a plan in place to ensure that it never happens again, and works towards actively rebuilding the marriage. I would share this with her, and let her know that it is her decision as to how she follows up, that you cannot do her part for her, and that you will move forward with your life one way or another. If she is truly remorseful, you will know. Her actions and her choices will show her for who she truly is.

There is no magic bullet for this. This is a process and as such requires both investment of time and energy. Keep this in mind, and keep in mind to be fair to yourself. Respect who you are, and stand for what you believe in.

You're gonna be okay.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17100 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:06 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your emotional state at this point is normal. I lost a lot of weight when my wife's affair was confessed, I'd never felt pain like this in my entire life, before or since.

Can we actually r after she did it in my house and my bed while I was in the hospital.

Only time and hard work on both parts will tell. It is to early to know any answers to any of that.

Is it possible? Yes. Is it hard. Extremely.

However, the sex in the house is actually more common than people realize. It is a big taboo, and that is what makes it appealing if the opportunity exists, there is a big thrill by breaking the taboo. I've read this in more than one place, can't vouch for it's accuracy. However, having definitely had opportunity to have affairs, I would say that the woman's home is a fairly sure thing if the husband is not home.

"The woman's home is the first choice as a place for lovers to rendezvous. The second most frequent location for an affair is the man's home. Hotels were used as a primary meeting place by only 8% of those surveyed. Other places for an affair include the home of a friend, a boat, camper office or the park."

Some people just have to make sure they hit all the places...

My wife had sex in our home in our bed, in the garage, up against our car in a public lot, in a park, in his home in his and his wife's bed, in another home, on a public walking trail, in his workplace, and on a vacant housing lot....and then she ended it, just once in each place. Apparently, they missed out on the hotel.

There is nothing classy about any affair, or anyone who is involved in one.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PM sent..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 10

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