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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: (not) losing the momentum
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've really been struggling the last couple of days. Work is crazy for both of us and I think we both needed a break from analyzing our relationship 24/7, but I'm feeling down.

Something happened the other day with H. I could tell he was upset about something so I asked if he wanted to talk about it. He told me it was work related and he wasn't ready to share it yet. He assured me it has nothing to do with us/the family/etc. He shared the following day, but it hurt my feelings that he needed that much time to process it before sharing it with me.

Last night H was home, but still working. I went to bed earlier, but woke up when he crawled in. He watched tv in bed for a little while and fell asleep. I stayed awake for too long. Our different work/sleep schedules have been a significant contributing factor in our M troubles and have taken a toll on our sex lives. The backwardness of last night left me feeling frustrated and unwanted - especially as I had made my desire VERY clear before he came to bed.

I'm sure I'm overreacting. I know/understand/accept how crazy work has been for him (and will continue to be for the next month or so) but I'm starting to get concerned that if all of our M stuff isn't front and center, it's going to get back-burnered and we'll be back to square one.

It's unrealistic to expect him to be able to reassure me every time I feel a twinge of "uh oh, I don't like the way I'm feeling right now" but how do I find some balance? How do I express how I'm feeling without making him feel like he constantly needs to prop me up?

I was reading SI this morning and a post in JFO triggered me. I felt all the bad stuff come rushing in about the feeling leading up to my confirmation of the A: all the secrets, my near-obsessive checking of phone and text logs and email that followed, the constant wondering if it's really over or if he has found a way to take the whole thing underground. I'm 99.9% confident he is not in contact with AP(or any other women for that matter) but that .1% consumes me some days. Given his recent behavior, that's not rational, but it's there in my head. He struggles with that reality. He accepts that his choices brought us here, but I'm afraid he's reaching the "what else can I do to prove it to you?" place.

Our schedules for the next month are going to provide a real challenge including a whole lot of working nights and different time zone travel. How do we keep on top of the progress without time to devote to it? How do I keep my doubts at bay when he's not here to reassure me when he sees me struggling?

I could really use some SI wisdom today. My head is all over the place and I'm afraid if I don't find a way to get this in check it's gonna become a runaway train.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello again :)
Remember that whole "hey lets me and you take a break today thing?" Yah...didn't work for me either.

I got through about 2/3 of the day and then my insecurities came rushing back- different ones this time as we are in different places than we were last week. But I felt so untethered without us talking- even though I was so exhausted from talking all of the time.
I will say that mine actually came to me for the first time (I think he may be sneaking peeks at SI when Im not looking, because he has been like jedi mind trick lately).
Anyway- what I learned is that talking and talking and talking and talking is so exhausting, but that is what I needed. I need the texts 8 times a day right now. I need him to reach out and hold my hand a million times during dinner. YOu know why? Because I constantly feel like Im standing on the edge of a cliff with a strong wind- and those texts, those hugs, those TALKS- everyone of them is like him taking my hand and pulling me away from that cliff. When he lets go for too long, I feel like Im falling again.
Mine goes to Mass for work next week- 3 nights. Gulp.
ONe thing I have learned through this is TELL HIM. I stopped trying to pretend like I was okay because you know what? I wasn't. I may not be hysterical crying, but I still small and so insignificant sometimes.

I am so sorry that this is so hard for you. I wish I had some great advice for you- but Im just kind of waiting around to hear what all the smart people tell you. Hugs to you and hold on sister


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that was supposed to be "feel" so small and insignignificant sometimes.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Twinnie! Your reply had me laughing at the beginning and crying at the end.

Because I constantly feel like Im standing on the edge of a cliff with a strong wind- and those texts, those hugs, those TALKS- everyone of them is like him taking my hand and pulling me away from that cliff. When he lets go for too long, I feel like Im falling again.

This sums up perfectly how I feel today. Nothing new, no triggers, I just feel kind of lost.

He came home and knew I wasn't doing great. We talked a little, but need to wait until we have some privacy later to get into it. Putting it in writing did help, and I appreciate your insight and your experience.

I'll try to "just be" again tomorrow.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 8:57 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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