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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Letting go of the Details-not a Sacrifice, a Necessity
lucy17
♀ Member
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STOP! Let the details go. Let them be part of my past. Learn from them, but don't dwell on them. Learn not to be so trusting and innocent. I will never be that person again and that will be okay, someday. Learn that my marriage is more fragile than I ever imagined and yet stronger than I thought it would ever have to be. And me? Holy shit. Look back at where I started-D-day 1 and D-Day 2. I am strong and caring and loving and unbelievable. I am proud of me. Move on with what I have learned about myself, my spouse, and my marriage, but mostly move on (stop torturing myself-I really don't deserve it).
"Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds"
(Just don't grow those dainty, little, too-innocent flowers (' ')
Wishing everyone here much peace tonight. I'm glad I found you.

**edited because it seemed to come off a little like unwanted advice for others, when it is really just a note for me and where I am tonight**

[This message edited by lucy17 at 9:54 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 34
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 13 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What *details* are you referring to?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7711 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
lucy17
♀ Member
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

holding hands, kissing her, the long drive out to the dirt patch, using the bed of my truck to have sex, sneaking away at lunch, touching her, telling her he has feelings for her, telling her he dreamed about her, all of these things that run through my mind that I sometimes can't stop. I can't do anything about them. I'm glad I know them, so I know the depth of the betrayal. I want to bunch them all into one big shit pile and refer to them that way, but need to give myself permission to not play them over and over in my own mind. Those details. I don't need them anymore and they are hurting me, not helping me.


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 34
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 13 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll let them go when I'm ready ... as soon as get gets the courage to confess them.

Until then, he's keeping secrets.

Period.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
lucy17
♀ Member
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kickboxer,
I've been there. It was horrible. No secrets that he shares only with AP. That was not okay with me. Not only was it something between them, but also something he wasn't dealing with that he needed to for himself (to find out why he was so f'ed up to even do something like that). I think (not know, cuz remember, I don't trust him for shit) I know all of the details now, or at least enough (this might change tomorrow or even later tonight).
Tonight I am feeling good enough to stop the mind movies and let the horrible details flit by and I haven't felt like this in a while and am enjoying it.
(PS the first post was a note to myself...not a demand to others...I would never tell someone else what to do when most of the time I am barely keeping my head above water--maybe I should have just written it in my journal?). Tonight is a good night and I hope tomorrow will be too.


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 34
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 13 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
kickboxer
♀ Member
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm left to deal with mind movies that might not even be real.

If he could just be straight up honest with me, then I could swallow the pill and move on.

Until then, I'm dealing with crap that may or may not be real, and that's eating me alive.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
lucy17
♀ Member
Member # 40187
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep at it Kickboxer, for as long as it is worth it to you. Those feelings for me led to D-day 2 (a little over a month after D-day 1). It was horrific and necessary. He was lying in IC and MC--what's the point of that??
Now I know. And now I can heal. And so can he if he continues with these his honesty and remorse.
I'm sorry you are drowning in details-real and imagined. I understand. It seems the rule is the BS gets to know as much or as few as details as the BS wants because you need them to heal yourself! It's been on here a ton and MC said it to WH. I've had to push hard for some details since D-day 2 even, but they came. Are you in MC?
((kickboxer))


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 34
Him- WS 40
1 child- 9 years old
together 17 years, married 13 years
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

Posts: 131 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartbroken2012
♀ Member
Member # 38089
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lucy17,

I want to so badly say what you said. I am obsessed with details, and the OW, and it is eating me alive from the inside out....and hurting me more than its helping me.

I am going to read your post over and over because I want what you wrote.


BS(Me) - 32
WS(HUbbie) - 40
OW - 44 (a ugly, old, white trash horse faced Coworker)
Affair was 2 months long
3 kids - 5yr old, and twins 8 months
Dday - 12/25/12 (lots of signs before I should have seen)

Posts: 547 | Registered: Jan 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lucy 17-
I am trying to get there. Sometimes I dwell. I can see a baked potato and trigger sometimes, I tell you. This week it was the word "snacks." She made him snacks for one of their rendevous, and when I was making him snacks for a date, all I could think was about how they met at her house, blah blah blah.

I don't understand the point of going over the details again and again for me, but am hoping the triggers lessen with time and I can do it less. I do think making a concerted effort to not engage them is a great idea. Good for you.

edited to clarify what "it" was

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:44 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1774 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not a necessity for me. Knowing the details is a necessity.

I'm not ready to declare victory yet, but in fact, our R is probably complete. W still has some healing to do, but from FOO issues, not from her A. Certainly we will continue to change. Certainly we will continue to improve our relationship. But if I weren't so conservative, I would probably say we've R'ed. (I won't declare we've R'ed until I'm very, very sure we've done it. I'd rather be R'ed without saying so than say we've R'ed too early.)

I still have questions about the A. I probably won't get a lot of answers that make sense to me, because my W organizes her experience differently than I do, but I'll still ask. And I still need to confirm some answers she's already given.

What works for lucy is what counts for her. Letting the details go helps her, and I'm 100% for her doing that.

But YMMV.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:18 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SoAngryAndHurt
♀ Member
Member # 40150
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days I feel like lucy17 but it usually only lasts a day or 2. Then BAM back down the rabbit home I go. Sometimes it's a trigger sometimes my mind just wanders. Once it wanders it goes totally out of control. All the details get played out over and over in my head and I go into a compete rage. I swear his A has made me a total mental case


Me BW 41
Him WH 35
2 kiddos elementary school age
Married 11 years
05/20/13 let the rugsweeping & TT begin
07/01/13 finally!! The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA

Posts: 77 | Registered: Aug 2013
justdoit
♀ Member
Member # 25898
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To have such optimism, Lucy17, when your DDays are so recent is admirable. I am almost 4-1/2yrs from only 1 DDay and I am just starting to know that kind of control is possible. A word of caution though - the roller coaster can and probably will strike when least expected. It doesn't mean you won't or can't get back to that garden full of flowers, just that it may be take a longer growing season for them to bloom.


Me - 60
WH - 67
Married 35 years
DDay - 5/14/09
He's reconciled, I'm in limbo.
"Stuck in the middle with you"

Posts: 155 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Rocky Mountains
Topic Posts: 12

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