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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: we are starting R slowly and cautiously...
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As the subject says, we are starting the R phase, so I wanted to drop-in and say "Hi". Our dday was June, so we listened to you and the books, and gave it a few months just to let the dust settle. We have been calling it Phase 1. During this time we read a lot, started MC and IC, talked for hours, screamed and cried (well, I did), and worked on being totally honest with each other. He changed his position at work, modified his hours, became transparent, wrote me letters, started participating in our lives as a father and a husband, and letting me in as a true partner. We have met with lawyers and will be finalizing our post-nup this week. We will also be attending Retrouvaille this month. I have printed out the R marriage rules from this site and created my own marriage manifesto. We reviewed and discussed both in great detail. So here we are entering Phase 2.

I am nervous and I am trying to keep my expectations in check. I look at some of my earliest post and I can feel my raw pain. Also, there are many sheer post that are bordering on crazy! Granted, I don't think I have had a cry-free day and they are days that I do still feel pain from the shock and hurt, but it does feel different. I have accepted that this is part of our past and it isn't going to change. I realize that me being vulnerable is going to be my biggest challenge and his biggest challenge is going to be making sure I feel safe and respected at all times.

So I wanted to say "Thank you!" for getting me through the hardest months of my life. You were my daily/hourly lifeline. I wasn't alone and there was always someone who was feeling exactly like me or someone who could offer sane words and advice. You have made me cry and laugh sometimes even in the same post! I know it isn't going to be easy and I still may have crazy roller-coaster posts and extremely rough days, but I am hoping I survived the worst of it and we can start building something from the ashes.

As always if you have any advice, please share! Otherwise, here goes Phase 2!


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 448 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congratulations on finding a somewhat good place amongst your chaos. I too believe we have moved into a new phase. It is scary, but also good. I wish you the best, I wish you strength. I could not have done any if this without this site- I read through my old posts yesterday and was amazed at how my emotions have been so all over the place. It helps that he is reaching out and stepping up.
I am hoping for a good day today- it's one day at a time. Hugs and wishes for a good day for you too. Be proud- you are a strong person.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you have a great battle plan. Keep communicating wants and needs.

One of our biggest stumbling blocks has been when that raw pain dulled so did the vigilance of sticking to the plan. There was back sliding in both of our parts. As soon as we realized what was going on we stepped it up again and kept moving forward.

My only advice is try to stay vigilant and stick to the plan.

Good stuff!!! Thanks for sharing!!!


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best wishes.

I think you're doing this a very good way, and that maximizes your chances. The work isn't easy, but it is rewarding, and in the process of R, slow is fast.

And if you don't feel immense pain and worry about your sanity in this sitch, you just don't understand the sitch.

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:46 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all for the advice. It is good to know what to expect as we proceed.

Also, I just realized that was my 100th post! Two milestones in one day, hopefully that is a good sign. When all of this started, I never thought I would feel sane again. It felt like I was in this huge black swirling mess. It took some time, but I have finally found a path. Unfortunately, I have no map and no idea where the path is going to take me...


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 448 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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