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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How can I compete?
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my H if he thought he could be as happy with me as he was when he was with her during his A. He said he is happier now with me than he ever was or ever could be with her.

The thing that keeps me from being happy about this is that is how he feels now. There is no way I can re-create the excitement he felt during the A. We had those "I can't wait to see you" feelings when we just started dating but the very nature of an A adds a whole new level of excitement.

I guess what I'm asking is, how do I know he won't get bored??? I know there are things we can do to keep the excitement in our relationship but how do I compete with that kind of excitement???

* using voice to text so there are probably a lot of typos!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't know that and NONE of us can recreate those feelings, WS can't even do that for me! But that's not what is important in life. Family and love and having a life partner to share it all with is what is important.

I would hope if my WS ever feels "bored" he would come to me about it. If he chooses to find someone else then that's his choice and he's out the door!

Those feelings of excitement will never last. It's like drugs, you only get the "high" for a short time and then you need more.


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 36
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-6
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 299 | Registered: Jun 2013
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't compete with new and different. If "new and different" is what is important to your H, then you might as well give him is freedom right now. You also can't go around worrying about him being bored. If he is bored, that is on him. That is not to say that you cannot be tuned into the relationship and put the work in to keep things fresh--but he needs to do that as well.

If you are both focusing your time and energy on your relationship, then it will all be good. The problem arose when your H turned his attention outside the relationship and on to another person, right?. Windows and walls, per "Not Just Friends" Great read, if you haven't done so.

Your feelings are completely normal and most of us have had them. Your H gave a good answer, btw! Hope that helped you.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1293 | Registered: Aug 2010
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely agree PP. That's what is important to me too. I really do feel he believes that's what he wants now as well. I hope he will be honest with me but then it hits me how easily I was fooled into trusting him before.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping-thank you for your response. I did read NJF but it was 2 weeks after dday and it's all a blur. I'll have to reread it.

You are right of course. It's just very hard not to worry.

I think he gave a good answer too.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach yourself this: they always Affair down.

The ap is always inferior to the BS. No matter how attractive or accomplished or wealthy or saintly (well, outside the A) the ap appears to be, the A is based on lies and betrayal, and no betrayer can compete with a BS.

Don't get me wrong - I'm in R. I've been helped tremendously by former WSes here. aps can find and strengthen their humanity and retake their places as full-fledged human beings.

But aps always give up important parts of their humanity until they become remorseful. Cheaters always Affair down.

Yes, your WS may have cheated with a younger version of you, someone who never had a baby, has a degree and a management job, etc. If she knew your H was M, you're better than her.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:48 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC likened it to being high on crack. Does being high on crack feel good? Yes it does. Do many crack addicts think that it is overall a better thin to be addicted to crack? That it is preferable or desirable? No.

My H had a totally typical affair, and he said that the good feeling to bad feeling ratio was about 9:1, bad to good. Maybe your WS would be willing to talk about the experience as they experienced it. Wait until he/she is defogged, though!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1887 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon/Bionicgal-thank you so much. I'm going to bookmark this to read over and over when I'm at my most insecure.

Today was just a day full of mind movies. Needing to know details to process makes it very hard.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:18 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fwh explained it this way.

That even with the secret, the "high", anticipation, all of it, there was always guilt, fear, thinking "what am I doing?", among other things. So it wasn't all fun and games, it was a shameful game, that had to be constantly justified. Unfortunately, one he became addicted too.

That said, the reality for him is that being home, truly remorseful, in a real relationship, that is built on truth and real love, no matter how difficult right now, is what he loves. And nothing can compete with that, most especially a lie based fantasy with another liar. He still has trouble with how f-ed up the whole thing was (as do I).


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish he had let himself feel the bad during the affair. Unfortunately he turned into a great compartmentalizer and didn't let him think about anything that might've made him feel bad about it for very long. He certainly never thought about what it would do to me. I would be interested in hearing him take me through it. He's working on his timeline now so we'll see how that goes. I do think his fog lifted pretty quickly and he is able to see her for what she is.

Fourever-that definitely gives me hope :)


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((AML04)))
I could have written your post. Just know you are not alone, I feel the same way.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1360 | Registered: Dec 2012
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't misunderstand, he also never gave a thought to what the cost would be if he got caught. Not to me, not the children, nothing. He is a master compartmentalizer, and was sure he'd never get caught.

Sadly, he wasn't able to end it and needed me to catch him and do it. He even often had thoughts of wishing he would get cancer so he would be able to stop and not ever tell me his shame. Sad.

Unfortunately, that is probably a common thread in many people who slid down this slope.

Give it time, it sucks, but it does get better for those wh/ww who are truly remorseful and have learned a frightening, but sober lesson about themselves. Keep working together.
XO


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A great thread. Thank you. Feeling a little low and confused after IC today. I needed a thread like this.

My WH seems frustrated that he can't get that same "high" with me anymore, now that he's experienced it with the added dopamine of the A.

He wants to R and knows that we have a lot to save... but he can't seem to get past that. He does have an easily "addicted" personality and has always been a thrill seeker (skydiving, bungee jumping, race car driving, you name it). I always thought he had found better ways of finding that needed "excitement" (until he found this one... sigh...)


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 656 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I had a glass of wine which probably gives me more bravado than normal, but I have to say I don't compete with OW...she's the one who would have to compete with me!

According to my H it was the excitement of 'new sex' that was the draw and because he saw her when he went out of the country that enticement lasted longer than it would have if she lived nearby. Eventually that wore off and she had nothing else to offer that could compete with me - a thinking, self motivated intelligent woman who bore his three children, lived through 35 years supporting him since he was a 22 year old just starting out with nothing, a woman who believed in his dreams and encouraged him to go for it and worked to help him achieve them...a woman who went to work when the kids got older to help out financially so he wouldn't bear the burdens alone....a woman who was gracious and loving enough to let him stay after he had betrayed her in the worst possible way.....

OW couldn't come close to competing with me.....and I'm here with my H and family and she's alone in some bar somewhere looking for the next piece of meat.....


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1671 | Registered: Mar 2010
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mchercheur)))

Stillstanding-My H isn't necessarily a thrill-seeker but he does have a little bit of an additive personality too. Hopefully your H realizes that the "high" he got from the A wasn't healthy :(

Alex-I wish there was a hands clapping smiley!!


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't misunderstand, he also never gave a thought to what the cost would be if he got caught. Not to me, not the children, nothing. He is a master compartmentalizer, and was sure he'd never get caught.

This is my husband to a "t"! OR it was him...compartmentalizing is not always a bad thing but in our cases it was!. I think it is more of a man thing and I don't mean that as an insult...it's just the way many men function and unfortunately that can be done in a negative way.

Also, I have the same thoughts you have....

[This message edited by topperoff22 at 9:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
Topic Posts: 16

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