When we find out a new detail of the A, it feels like I am being cut all over again! Do those types of details really matter, or should we envelope them into the "Affair Package"?
For example...WH told me he had texted the prostitute once for directions, and that she texted him back once to provide directions, and also that he used a per diem check he cashed to pay for her. However, I found out today that he took the money directly out of our savings account (the withdrawal is right there in black and white for the exact amount!), and that there may have been several texts back and forth between them about who-knows-what!
I am furious! But I'm also somewhat torn...should those kinds of details really matter? It obviously doesn't take away or add to the horrible, despicable things he did. He used *our* money (whether it was in our savings or in the form of a per diem check) to pay for a prostitute...and do the exact number of text messages really matter in this case? Should I try harder to let go of those details and focus on what he is doing NOW to be a better husband, father, and person overall? It's not like he's done any of this stuff since DDay (except for lying and TTing, which he assures me is over now...I guess we'll see about that!).
Also, I'm scouring our old cell phone records trying to find *something* more from before DDay. Again, does it matter? Let's say I do find something...do I wrap it up into the "Affair Package" and say, "That was the old 1DH, I should be focusing on the NEW 1DH and what he has done to make changes for now and for the future!" ??? What would you guys do?
Thank you in advance for your input!!! It is greatly appreciated!
"One is not tempted by that he does not want."
I never divulged too much into messages but in my H's case it was all done through Facebook and was long gone even before the actual act. To me how many messages that were sent isn't all that important or even exact words, just knowing there was flirting and pics was enough to process and get past. I don't dwell much on all of that anymore. I also don't dig (into past stuff) but each situation is so different, I guess you must do what you feel comfortable with.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
Does it matter that he lied to you about this new fact? YES!!! This is extremely important, and should be made a big deal of. For some WS's lying is such a part of the whole thing that it becomes habit, and it's the easiest thing to do when questioned, and felt cornered. In reality, it's what will kill your trust quicker than anything. Your H needs to understand that under any circumstances lying is unacceptable, and you will not tolerate it. If found in lies, esp lies told after Dday the hammer has to come down really flipping hard.
Be strong, know that you are in the right, and his lies are hurting any chance at real R.
I see your DDay was not long ago. I went through this for almost a year until I had hit max capacity. It was either full painful and all out disclosure or I was gone. It was almost worse than DDay but when it was over. I simply asked if there was anymore, when he said no that time, I knew the truth. So now it is all out, the ugly details are on the table. I can start picking up pieces because I am not worrying about the thing around the corner.
I would say this is a life event where it is better to have every nasty fact so you can't be blindsided.
I guess I'm wondering WHY I keep digging to find stuff from pre-DDay...shouldn't I be focusing on seeing if he's done anything new since DDay? (Other than the lying about details, TTing, etc. are damaging enough!)
Obviously there is going to be a lot of crap from pre-DDay. He admits there is a lot out there, especially in cyberspace. He says he just doesn't remember every website he may have visited or signed up for, every user name or handle he used on such websites, or who he may have "chatted" with. He assures me there is NO other women he met up with (other than the prostitute and the two women he met in person from websites). He said he did NOT meet up with them multiple times, they were just one time occurrences each. I also have the details about each sexual experience, which he TT'd until I actually found out the truth. (I actually spoke to one of the women he met up with from offline, and I found his lovely little escort review he wrote for his prostitute detailing exactly what he did with her, so...)
That should be the big stuff that really matters, right? Shouldn't I now be focused on his actions NOW and what he's done/currently doing to fix himself and to help fix our marriage? If so, then why am I dwelling on the details of the past and digging, digging, digging for anything I can find???
You are just trying to nail down the past. It will drive you crazy until you KNOW the whole story. So, yes it matters to you, and that's all that matters period. You have the right attitude about details not being the point. Honesty is the point. Just try to let go of as much as you can for your own mental health. It's hard to do.
To forgive I feel you have to fully know WHAT your forgiving.
(Other than the lying about details
In and of themselves, how much you want to know about the details is up to you. Some(me) need all the gritty details to determine the proper amount of brain bleach. Others, not so much.
But if you're not getting honesty(total), is anything he says/does believable?