I am sure this will ramble all over the place. I am 53, married 20 years, and don’t need to spend my life this way. Educated, working professional. I have not discussed this with anyone as I don’t need others knowing my business, but I need an outlet. I am probably just avoiding the inevitable of an attorney. She is probably just avoiding the same thing, lol.
It started when she emailed me from an email address I didn’t recognize on August 16th 2013. She screwed up on her iPhone, had been emailing her lover, I asked for her to email me the insurance card, she forgot to switch emails and it came through.
I started doing my research which I am very good at.
Affair had been going on for over one year. On line from Craigslist no less, sexual, emotional, he proposed to her, she was going to leave as soon as he left his wife, but he was a liar and user, never left his wife.
The iPhone is a very revealing tool. Spotlight search. She had over 14 emails addresses over 1.5 years; sexual email discussions with a large number of men. I have no idea how many she met. Ultimately she erased her iPhone/pad history, so I can no longer access the information. I probably don’t want to know anyway.
The lies are the worst part, and yes over our 20 year marriage, she has been what I refer to as a pathological liar. From where she spends her money, etc., I have to find the receipts, question her about it, she says no, I show her the receipt, she laughs, oh yea; it never ends. We keep our money separate, we have no mutual friends, our individual friends don’t like our other spouse, etc. We have lived under the same roof for 20 years and never had anyone to our house for dinner or otherwise, and we have never gone to dinner with “friends”. We have never traveled anywhere with “friends” as we don’t have any. Individually we do, but not as a married couple. Pretty telling right there when you put it in writing. We both work outside the home. Her work friends are her friends and my work friends are my friends.
August 16: email from fake address, she lies
August 18: emails new male friend and says this new email address is safe and she needs him as an outlet;
August 26: Tells me there was never sex
August 28th: I find the hotel bill in her email account
August 28th: she says sex only happened once
Over the next 30 days, I find more and more emails, multiple days of oral sex, fondling, etc. She did things for him sexually she has never done for me and even refused to do for me. Oh well.
Multiple emails says the same thing, my husband just doesn’t do it for me anymore. No support, no emotions, no care, no love. I want an ongoing FWB relationship. She was constantly searching craigslist for married men who wanted to have affairs.
Emails to her lover on my birthday, on our anniversary, the day didn’t matter. Right in front of me most of it was going on and I had no idea. Emails to her lover talking about me, things I said, things I was doing, even telling him about our sex life, our kids, etc. It was becoming a running joke in her emails to new friends when she was seeking other lovers. Usually in the second or 3rd email, great, just what I need, people knowing about my personal life.
September 3: I confront her, she closes all email accounts that I know of, but not before she emails her new male friend (non lover)and says she has to lay low for a while now that she was caught, but she will be back. She asked him if she could come to San Francisco to screw him. He said no, LOL. She denies ever saying anything like that; if I shove her emails in her face, she will walk out the door. I am not quite ready for that yet as I need to have my legal house in order.
Oh how she raged at me for interfering with her friendship. My god if you could have seen the look on her face, heard the rage in her voice, saw the arrows coming out of her eyes. She says I don’t have a right to access her phone. Her email is hers and mine is mine. She even asked if she could continue her new online friendship as she needed the outlet and the communication. She kept saying the friendship was all she had, I have my cameras and my other hobbies (firearms, hunting, reloading etc), but she has nothing but her friendship. Oh yes, everything is compared and thrown at me. She kept saying she has nothing, her mom and best friend died 5 years ago, I have all my stuff, and she has nothing. Blame I guess, or just an excuse to keep your lover, I don’t know. About 6 weeks into this process now and I am losing interest in knowing the why, cause I know I never will, but now I want to know where it is all going and what to expect.
If I want to discuss what happened, she says she will leave. She is not willing to discuss any details.
Her closing email to her lover was that he means the world to her, but that her world was swirling and crumbling around her and just couldn’t risk continuing the friendship. She has his phone number, email address, knows where he lives; Great. Her personal calendar is loaded with notes about him, when they met, when they fought, when they talked, she loaned him money, etc., bought him golf clubs, bought him jewelry; Not a single note about me in her entire calendar, which I can live with.
But, she says we don’t need marriage counseling, everything is fine, and we are talking now. She will go if I want her to, but doesn’t believe we need it. She laughingly said, the counselor is just going to tell you that we should not be together”. She also says the other time we have been to counselors (non-marriage issues) I look like a shining night and the counselors never like her; The most I can get out of her is her saying that she was so low in life after losing her mother 4 years earlier (when the affair started in 2012). She has been seeing a counselor for the length of the affair, and is still seeing the counselor today. I have no idea what they talk about, she won’t tell me. 4 times a week for 1.5 years, I would think she would have something to tell me coming out of those sessions. But like the rest of our 20 year marriage, I will never know any facts or truth. What the emails said to her lover and potential lover after one year of counseling was that she had worked her issues out, was in a good place personally, and ready to pursue a FWB love affair. Was she lying to them online and just enjoying the thrill of imagination? I doubt it.
I never know what is true or not true. Hell of a way to live a life. I am probably going to seek out a counselor or an advisor; I need input on what I should do. Can I ever trust her, probably not, and that probably is the answer to the question right there. Emotionally I am hurt, but I am not losing sleep over it; but more importantly at 53, it is ok, now what. What do I need to be prepared for? What is coming around the corner? Counselor and an attorney for me. I know the answer as I sitting here telling myself my hobby assets are more important than my marriage and my first priority is to get them hidden and out of my possession, lol. I wonder if I can charge myself both a counseling fee and a legal fee? LOL
I think it is time to sell the houses, protect what assets I can, and move on. Your input is greatly appreciated, and I know you can’t tell a whole lot from my ramblings, but thank you for taking the time to read and respond.