Sweetie you are in shock. Really. Shock.
You must focus on getting through the days - minute by minute. These minutes must involve drinking as much water as possible and eating a few bites of food.
Is there anyone you can go stay with? The idea of your WH laughing at your misery is too cruel to comprehend. You do not need to subject yourself to that abuse.
I am glad you found us. Read and post and feel the support and care you'll receive.
Wishing you many, many, many hugs.
Divorce final 3-13-13
Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
I know you are scared, but your husband is a jerk. I am thinking that you should give him the divorce that he wants so badly. Have you seen an attorney, just to get some advice? That along with seeing a counselor will help you feel more in control.
Look up the 180 while in the library, this also helps bring a little control back to you during this crazy time. Take care and keep posting.
hugs to you PurpleYellow45- so sorry.
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
However, I'm glad you found your way to SI -- the best club no one ever wanted to join. The people here are great and will be here to offer all sorts of advice and encouragement because this kind of trauma is REALLY REALLY hard. You will feel better someday!!!! It may be hard to believe now, but you will. Follow the advice given already- eat, hydrate, sleep, see a doc if needed. Just be very good to yourself! You've been dealt a major body blow.
Hang in there!!!! Sending hugs!
Please tell some friends and family you trust -- even if it means talking to someone from HIS family. There are people who genuinely care about you...they love you, and would be horrified if they knew you were facing this situation without them there to support you.
See an attorney immediately. Learn your rights, and begin separating yourself from his abuse. Knowledge and separation does not mean you will ultimately divorce...it means you are giving yourself the gift of an opportunity to escape the horrible way he is treating you and time to make the decision that is best for you.
If he does not want to be married and claims he doesn't love you -- HE is making those decisions...not you.
Remember this(these) internet whore(s) are imaginary friends right now. He may think they're so awesome, but they've never washed his dirty underwear or taken care of him during a stomach virus. In other words, they've only witnessed his "best foot forward" -- not the crap that makes up REAL LIFE. The same goes for him -- he's never dealt with them when they're pimply and on their periods, and he's never seen them after a long night of insomnia.
It's all fake, and one day he's going to emerge from the destruction he's caused. The grass won't be greener...go ahead, buy that biatch a ring.
In the meantime, you must cope with reality and that means finding the strength to empower yourself.
I know you are hurting but seriously tell him to get the F out. Tell him you will be the one laughing soon, not him.
You should also tell him that if anyone needs to change and try really hard to fix the M it's him, not you.
If he wants out of the M so badly and wants to get the ow a ring, tell him to go and do just that.
I know it will be so hard on you, but don't let him walk all over you anymore. This coming from a woman who feels like such a doormat. But you know what? I decided that I will be one no longer. And if my wh leaves me, then so be it. I am a strong woman, more than capable to take care of myself, I've done it in the past ad I can do it again. I'm sure you are stronger than you even realize and can take care of yourself if need be, or if you choose to do so.
But you be the one to choose, please don't let him with the way he is treating you.
One way to feel like you have some control is to go through all your financial papers and make copies - bills, insurance financial statements, deeds, car registrations, investments,any assets (take pictures of anything valuable) and copy down his Social Security number. Each time you get groceries start taking extra cash when you pay.
Then take out exactly half of any savings in your bank, when you are ready. Call Lawyers who will give you a free consult and take your copies to the Lawyer you choose.
If you are both owners of your home, you can't kick him out, but you can go out every night without telling him where you are going or when you'll be back. Meet some friends for coffee, join a gym, take a class, volunteer at the SPCA,cruise the mall, whatever.This is the 180 and it will make you stronger.
You deserve SO much better than him. It takes time but you will be happier when you get rid of him from your life. What a jerk!
Focus on you and live for you..
Don't cook, or do WH's laundry for him, etc..Carry out a schedule of day to day activities on your own don't take your WH's plans into consideration..
Kick WH out of the house if possible..With that being said Pippy is right.. I am one of those countless BS's who has a WS I can't legally kick out(until I file) and who won't leave..
Who needs to live with an entitled A&&s who puts it on you to make all of the changes in order to keep him around..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:57 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]
Your WH is full of shit!! The arrogance of him saying YOU need to change!! Yuck. Just truly amazing.
My xwf also did what your wh did--at my DD he said it had been going on "about 1 year". Yeah, right. After my initial months of shock, I really started looking at his behavior for 2-3 years, and guess what? Yup. I have no real proof other than this: he traveled, and I remember his clicking off his computer with the deer in the headlights look on his face at times. And how sensitive he was if I even looked at his computer or cellphone. I remember lots of interesting things...Now for other women he's looking to meet? (He's been on match since gone 2 1/2 years ago- yeah I looked)It's BUYER BEWARE!!
The arrogance of these people amazes me. When a 3rd person comes into a marriage/SO relationship it will almost ruin the relationship. Turns it into spaghetti. Mayhem and hell. The cheater can not focus energy and caring on the original partner and life at all. AND will blame it on their partner. Ugh.
Xwf and I were engaged and living together for 7 1/2 years (we're older). I was completely taken by surprise like everyone else here as our love and relationship was so solid for the first few years, I thought he was my best friend and told him almost everything. At DD I realized he had told everyone else about my business and that absolutely upset me.
I figured xwf did alot on the internet. I also wasted 8 years of my middle years and started life over at an age where men may be too old for me. (No offense to anyone)
So remember you can't love wh back. Get mad, don't get sad!! Sad doesn't work. Show him you can live without him and will!
The 180 is great to help you with every aspect. Love yourself first. Your mental and physical health is most important. Obviously HE didn't think so.
Drink water, juices, eat,eat,eat and go for daily walks outside.
Hugs and good luck!.
Drill these 3 points into your head over and over:
1) His affairs are 100% on him.
2) You are not at fault for his affairs.
3) You deserve to be treated with respect.
Go see a lawyer and file for divorce (even if you don't plan on divorcing him). By filing for divorce, you are making it clear to him that you will not be treated with such disrespect. (You can always change your mind later, when he has truly changed.)
The wandering spouse does not get to make any demands. This is your life, you live it! If he wants to stay with you, he should be on his knees begging you to remain in the marriage. Remember you are the person that has been betrayed.
You received a lot of good responses, but I think ZedLeppelin (love your screen name by the way) nailed it. You need to take your control back and by going to a lawyer and gaining knowledge of where you stand it will give that to you.
Remember, this isn't your fault. You didn't do this. He did.
Sending you strength and (((HUGS)))
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010