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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This and That
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day who is a mutual friend of my AP and his wife. He told me that they renewed their vows and "seem" happier together (I didn't ask about them but he brought it up). I don't want to begrudge them, but I feel frustrated because I am STILL searching for my reasons and my AP must have figured his out already and his wife must have gotten past this in less then 8 months.

My BH is still incredulous that I could have done this in such a (his words) gleeful way. He feels the ultimate reason is that I wanted to and that I liked it. I feel that there is WAY more to my behavior. I have started working on a large word web (the teacher in me!) to try to make sense of my reasoning. Our MC had suggested that I right a narrative about my reasoning, but this seems to be helping me process thoughts. I'm going to keep adding to it. I keep telling him that during the A I constantly felt conflict. He says that there was no conflict - AP was married.

Therapy is exhausting, but positive. 2 days with my IC and 1 with our MC. I keep digging and thinking. My BH and I talk a lot but he gets very frustrated when I don't have answers. I'm frustrated too.

Two nights ago my BH said to me, which absolutely destroyed me inside (although I'm pretty much there anyway) that I was envious about what I thought my AP and his wife had, when they didn't have it and I actually did. I threw my life away for nothing.

I miss my brother a lot. He moved about an hour away. My BH is going to visit him the weekend of the 11th and I'm not invited. I shouldn't expect to be invited after what I've done.

I may have more to say tonight after MC. Thanks for listening as usual.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my AP must have figured his out already and his wife must have gotten past this in less then 8 months.
That's projection. You don't know. You aren't there. Maybe they are rugsweeping. Maybe his wife is crazy hurting and a vow renewal was something that made her feel temporarily safe. Doesn't mean they are. Doesn't mean he's fixed. Doesn't mean their life isn't hell. I think alot of couples out from Dday "look" ok, strong, and put up a "united front" in front of other people. Doesn't mean it's true. They could literally be falling apart at the seams behind the scenes.

If you're talking to a mutual friend about AP, isn't that kind of like breaking NC? Even if you aren't passing messages back and forth, you're getting info on them.

I was envious about what I thought my AP and his wife had, when they didn't have it and I actually did.
Again, a bit of projection. Maybe you both had what you thought you didn't have, and both cheated to get what the other had. And ruined it anyway. Their relationship isn't yours, yours isn't theirs. And comparing the two will get you nowhere.

I take it that things aren't better between you and your brother. I'm sorry for that.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6043 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
pizzalover
♀ Member
Member # 38336
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie, Projecting is my super-power. I do it all the time and it's extremely unhealthy. I projected onto my AP and his wife during the whole A. Obviously this is something I need to work on.

If you're talking to a mutual friend about AP, isn't that kind of like breaking NC? Even if you aren't passing messages back and forth, you're getting info on them.

I wasn't asking about them. He had just asked me how I was. He offered the info to me.

I take it that things aren't better between you and your brother. I'm sorry for that.

I haven't really talked to him since he moved. I haven't reached out though. I'm afraid that he won't talk to me. I don't think he wants me in his life. On a positive note, I've been rebuilding relationships with the rest of my family and my BH's family.


Repulsed daily by my actions

Me - WW 39
Him - BH 39 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - the sweetest cats you could ever meet!

Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
DD - 1/24/13


Posts: 321 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: PA
Topic Posts: 3

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