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Newest Member: heartbrokenmama1 (44604)

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User Topic: We’ve Separated, I could use some support
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, again. Just got through with a long talk after he came back from his IC. He apologized for everything, again. Apologized for lying to me, again. Apologized for causing me pain, again. I see a theme developing here. Tried to weazle a bit about semantics and asked me what I was expecting to see when I opened the door. I told him exactly what I saw, him betraying me again. Praying that I would be embarrassed by him being on the toilet playing solitaire on his phone, but as I knew his computer wasn't in it's normal place, I expected to see exactly what I did see.

And I let him have it. Calmly, with no tears, matter-of-factly.

You are addicted, I said. You have a compulsion that is so strong, that every time you feel stress, you convince yourself that what you're doing is OK. You may want me, but you want porn more, and I won't be put in third place in my marriage. You've made your choice you want porn more than me. Actually, you want both of us, but you want porn over me. Be happy, I said, you've made your decision.

Let me tell you what you've taken from me, though. You've taken from me of 1/2 of my family, who I have to say goodby to over Thanksgiving. You've taken from me my SIL that I can call up and crack jokes with. You've taken from me the chance to watch our oldest nephew get married and become a father. You've taken from me getting to see my youngest SIL finally meet that man that will see her for the wonderful woman that she is. You've taken all of these people away from me.

You've also made it imperative that I time going to see my mother and my stroke-damaged father, to let them know that the man that they love as a son, who they are praying for a negative biopsy for, betrayed their daughter and is no longer a part of their life. I have to travel up there to tell them in person and break their hearts. You've chosen this for me by your decisions.

And make no mistake, if our separation leads to divorce, I will not be your friend. I will not be your soft place to fall. I will not be your acquaintance. I will cut you out of my life and I will go on to live my life without you. And you will meet more women. And any quality woman, who eventually discovers your addiction to porn will leave you. You will get some low-class skank who will see you as a walking dollar sign, will bed you, pop out a child for you, and then have you by the balls for the rest of your life. And you can take that low-class skank to meet your relatives and show them what type of woman you replaced me with.

He wanted to know if there was any chance for R. I asked him to turn it around. If I had done to him what he did to me, would he have any solutions? Would he have any trust? Would there be anything that would be possible. He got very quiet and said that he just couldn't think of anything right then.

I figured, what the hell. I said there's only one chance and it's no guarantee. You get treatment for your addiction to porn. I will no longer tolerate it anywhere around me. No Playboy, no nightware ads, nothing. You go to SA, you see a CSAT if your IC isn't' qualified, and you get a sponsor that you can call whenever you have the urge. At that point, he told me that that is what his IC suggested that he should do as well. I told him, you do all that, you change your life, and there is a possibility. But I want you to know, I am still seeking a legal separation. I intend to protect myself.

And I am. If he turns his life around and I still give a damn, well, we'll see. But he is out of my room and I am going to see my lawyer to get ready to file. Because this time, it's going to be all about me. Since I have little faith that he will actually follow through.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4681 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan)))


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5631 | Registered: Aug 2007
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crying in bed. For the last hour. Maybe I'm exhausted enough to sleep tonight. Ihope so.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4681 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Skan. We're here for you.

(((((((((Skan))))))))))


If you can't learn to enjoy your life when you have problems, you may never enjoy it because we'll always have problems. - Joyce Meyer

Posts: 16847 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, thinking of you. Hope you got some sleep last night. How are you doing today? I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorta numb. I vaccilate between acceptance and hysterical crying. I've scared a couple of the elderly men who volunteer here by almost losing it got to remember to put my game face on at work. I just wish that there hadn't been so much hope over the last year+

Thing is, he sees it as backsliding, and one will tend to backslide at times. Vice sneaking and lieing, and trying to push the limits by wilful blindness. And it just crushes me, that someone who can be so otherwise ideal, can not understand deep inside, exactly how he is causing the very thing he fears so much isolation and being along. The saying, there are none so blind as those who will not see, is so appropriate here.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4681 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, so sorry for your husbands weakness and immaturity. As others have said you have given a lot of good advice to others on SI and its upsetting to feel your pain.
Hope he gets his act together before its too late.

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Skan)), you have been through much that it is no wonder you are feeling numb right now - trying to protect yourself by shutting down.

I hope more than anything you take care of you right now.

Sleep tonight.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2220 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan I am so very very sorry. ((Hugs))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6643 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you, Skan.

I really hope you can sleep through the night. Things always hurt worse for me in the dark. If you can't sleep, do you have something distracting? Reruns of an old sit-com maybe?

This could be a really stupid idea, but maybe you could get a puppy


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Peace be with you Skan.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3595 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you, skan. Hope you can get some sleep tonight. Wishing you continued strength and eventual peace....


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 649 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan)))


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1856 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning,Skan.

Do something nice for yourself today.

(((((Skan)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7260 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Skan))

Weekend is here. These days off can sometimes be much harder when we are in the midst of turmoil. More time to think I guess...

Use the time to think about YOU! Make yourself get out of the house if you need to be away from him, force yourself to try and find beauty and peace in your environment.

Thinking of you! Hang in there!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1439 | Registered: Jun 2012
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((skan))) May you find strength and peace in your decision.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today. Original plan, work on the house a bit, knock off early, take the trolley to an Octoberfest celebration, do some joint shopping, stop in for a beer and knockwurst, and just enjoy each other's company.

New plan. Run some errends to get groceries and paint for the guest/his room. Work all day on the room so that by nightfall, we should be able to have put down at least one run of flooring to establish the rest of the room's run. Finish up flooring tomorrow. Try to put up blinds. Sunday afternoon, maybe, maybe start moving furniture back into room so that Monday I can have him out of my room.

Perhaps it's time for me to ask that this thread be moved. Looking back over it, it really doesn't belong in the R forum anymore. He wants to talk tonight OK, it will be interesting to see what justifications he has this time. I have a bet with myself as to the topic, and exactly when I'll walk out.

Got out to go paddling (outrigger) last night. It felt good, even though I am woefully out of shape. Nice to see acquaintances that I hadn't seen in a while. Interesting how he tries to buddy up with me, be next to me. I guess the being treated like the housemate that he has chosen to become is rattling him a bit? Got home, both had a bite to eat and a soft drink for rehydration. Then I said goodnight as he was up between me and the stairs. He made a movement like he was going to hug me and I just walked around him and went up to bed. He looked a bit startled and awkward. I almost pity him, in a remote fashion. It's hell when the chickens come home to roost. On the good side, I almost slept the night through and I didn't cry once. That's improvement.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4681 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 77
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