And I let him have it. Calmly, with no tears, matter-of-factly.
You are addicted, I said. You have a compulsion that is so strong, that every time you feel stress, you convince yourself that what you're doing is OK. You may want me, but you want porn more, and I won't be put in third place in my marriage. You've made your choice you want porn more than me. Actually, you want both of us, but you want porn over me. Be happy, I said, you've made your decision.
Let me tell you what you've taken from me, though. You've taken from me of 1/2 of my family, who I have to say goodby to over Thanksgiving. You've taken from me my SIL that I can call up and crack jokes with. You've taken from me the chance to watch our oldest nephew get married and become a father. You've taken from me getting to see my youngest SIL finally meet that man that will see her for the wonderful woman that she is. You've taken all of these people away from me.
You've also made it imperative that I time going to see my mother and my stroke-damaged father, to let them know that the man that they love as a son, who they are praying for a negative biopsy for, betrayed their daughter and is no longer a part of their life. I have to travel up there to tell them in person and break their hearts. You've chosen this for me by your decisions.
And make no mistake, if our separation leads to divorce, I will not be your friend. I will not be your soft place to fall. I will not be your acquaintance. I will cut you out of my life and I will go on to live my life without you. And you will meet more women. And any quality woman, who eventually discovers your addiction to porn will leave you. You will get some low-class skank who will see you as a walking dollar sign, will bed you, pop out a child for you, and then have you by the balls for the rest of your life. And you can take that low-class skank to meet your relatives and show them what type of woman you replaced me with.
He wanted to know if there was any chance for R. I asked him to turn it around. If I had done to him what he did to me, would he have any solutions? Would he have any trust? Would there be anything that would be possible. He got very quiet and said that he just couldn't think of anything right then.
I figured, what the hell. I said there's only one chance and it's no guarantee. You get treatment for your addiction to porn. I will no longer tolerate it anywhere around me. No Playboy, no nightware ads, nothing. You go to SA, you see a CSAT if your IC isn't' qualified, and you get a sponsor that you can call whenever you have the urge. At that point, he told me that that is what his IC suggested that he should do as well. I told him, you do all that, you change your life, and there is a possibility. But I want you to know, I am still seeking a legal separation. I intend to protect myself.
And I am. If he turns his life around and I still give a damn, well, we'll see. But he is out of my room and I am going to see my lawyer to get ready to file. Because this time, it's going to be all about me. Since I have little faith that he will actually follow through.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
Thing is, he sees it as backsliding, and one will tend to backslide at times. Vice sneaking and lieing, and trying to push the limits by wilful blindness. And it just crushes me, that someone who can be so otherwise ideal, can not understand deep inside, exactly how he is causing the very thing he fears so much isolation and being along. The saying, there are none so blind as those who will not see, is so appropriate here.
I hope more than anything you take care of you right now.
I really hope you can sleep through the night. Things always hurt worse for me in the dark. If you can't sleep, do you have something distracting? Reruns of an old sit-com maybe?
This could be a really stupid idea, but maybe you could get a puppy
Do something nice for yourself today.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Weekend is here. These days off can sometimes be much harder when we are in the midst of turmoil. More time to think I guess...
Use the time to think about YOU! Make yourself get out of the house if you need to be away from him, force yourself to try and find beauty and peace in your environment.
Thinking of you! Hang in there!
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
New plan. Run some errends to get groceries and paint for the guest/his room. Work all day on the room so that by nightfall, we should be able to have put down at least one run of flooring to establish the rest of the room's run. Finish up flooring tomorrow. Try to put up blinds. Sunday afternoon, maybe, maybe start moving furniture back into room so that Monday I can have him out of my room.
Perhaps it's time for me to ask that this thread be moved. Looking back over it, it really doesn't belong in the R forum anymore. He wants to talk tonight OK, it will be interesting to see what justifications he has this time. I have a bet with myself as to the topic, and exactly when I'll walk out.
Got out to go paddling (outrigger) last night. It felt good, even though I am woefully out of shape. Nice to see acquaintances that I hadn't seen in a while. Interesting how he tries to buddy up with me, be next to me. I guess the being treated like the housemate that he has chosen to become is rattling him a bit? Got home, both had a bite to eat and a soft drink for rehydration. Then I said goodnight as he was up between me and the stairs. He made a movement like he was going to hug me and I just walked around him and went up to bed. He looked a bit startled and awkward. I almost pity him, in a remote fashion. It's hell when the chickens come home to roost. On the good side, I almost slept the night through and I didn't cry once. That's improvement.