Topic: We’ve Separated, I could use some support
Member # 23717
| Posted: 10:09 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013|
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I am the wife of a recovering SA.
Part of my conditions of reconciliation is that I have a savings account in my name only. I have enough in that account to retain a lawyer and set up my H in an apartment for a few months. (I'm the main breadwinner in my family, and H works part time, as we have three kids, the youngest is a toddler.)
My DH can see how much money is in the account at any given time, but he cannot touch the money. If I were to die, the account is POD to my oldest kid.
This money is separate from household finances..
[This message edited by IRN2006 at 10:11 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
Posts: 1296 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 38044
| Posted: 11:46 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013|
Don't. Don't even give him this. He HAS TO do this himself. Don't help him. Stand back and drop your hands. You know damn well the man knows how to work The Google. Back up off the codependency!
Thanks Rebreather....she is so very right on this one.
I mentioned getting the book that helped me see the damage porn was in the light it should be in....I recommended your husband get and read it.
I wrestle with this co-dependency thing too....this was a lame suggestion from me. IGNORE IT!
Yes, the book did wonders for me....but I found it and choose to read it on my own. I actively decided porn was a part of my past and had no place in my future. My wife is pleased with this, obviously, but it was not a choice my wife made for me, was not even a demand of my wifes..it was a choice I made.
I just feel so different with porn out of my life 100%. It was a part of my life since puberty....so I know the hypocritical tones of my passionate posts here.
Dang....I feel so sad for you both. I pray your husband heart opens up and he can choose a better future then what he is currently doing. Yes, it is critical for your marriage for him to stop all use of porn...even with the A as part of your past you guys have a tough row to hoe....but it is absolutely necessary for him personally to turn away from porn. I am not overstating how much better my life has been without it.
And I have gone weeks without sex of any sort....and had no ill side effects! Crazy as it sounds...I really thought having regular orgasms was a must-do part of life for a man. I was so childish, so ignorant. I am not all-knowing now....but was so very foolish for so long it is just.............sad.
God help us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:49 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not
Posts: 4008 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 28053
| Posted: 1:34 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
I am so sorry to see this post from you.
You are headed in the right direction, the numbness will come and go.
Focus on your healing, don't even pay attention to what he is doing right now, it doesn't matter, he has taken enough of your energy. Focus your energy on you. You need it. Heal you now.
Reach out for support here when you feel like reaching out to him. So sorry this happened again.
Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
Posts: 5077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Member # 25743
| Posted: 3:51 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Skan, I am so very sorry. I have depended upon your words of wisdom for so long now. You are a good woman. A strong woman. A warrior. You deserve to be cherished and respected.
I don't have any words that are adquate, but I am just so darn sad for you.
I just hate that this has happened. Please continue to keep us updated, as much as you are comfortable with sharing.
Again, I am just so sorry.
Posts: 467 | Registered: Oct 2009
Member # 34319
| Posted: 9:08 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
You are a strong and beautiful woman. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am so sorry that your SAWH is still not dealing with his issues.
Your words gave helped me many times, as they have helped others here. Stay strong and focus on you. Are you in IC?
Back to basics. Eat, drink, nurture yourself. Come here for support. Someone is always here. Thinking of you.
D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 30826
| Posted: 10:25 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Good morning,Skan. How are you today?
M: June 2001
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 35812
| Posted: 11:16 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Hey everyone. Thank you for your support and your guidance. It means a lot to me. Actually, it means everything to me.
As a last gift to him, I gave him the SA literature, and told him that what he did with it was completely up to him. And that was my last gesture to him. He either hits the bottom and does something about it or not. Not my problem. My give-a-damn has been broken in two right now.
I went to bed at about 7:30 just to not have to sit next to him and pretend that life was actually happening. Got to sleep blessedly, around 10. Woke up at midnigth and got up for water he was on the computer downstairs. Of course. No idea what. At least his penis wasn''t in his hand. If I get up and see that he''s masterbating in our public area, I intend to pour water on him from the balcony. He can go to his room to do that like a "normal" person. Unfortunately, I spent the next 4 hours crying off and on in bed. Occasionally getting up to throw up. Quiet sobbing inbetween. Got back to sleep sometime after four and woke up before the alarm at 6. Went downstairs to an empty house and had breakfast (managed to choke down some oatmeal, hurrah). He came in around 7:10 forgot that today was his Church men''s meeting how ironic. Strained conversation about what needed to be done for the house and driving today, he also wants to meet to talk this afternoon so we agreed on a time, then back into ignore mode until I got up for work. "Drive safe," he said. Yeah, right.
Working on mentally detatching, and trying to pin down the hope in my body, which is fluttering around like a trapped bird. That trapped bird knows I intend to kill it, so it''s flying around wildly crashing into the sides of my brain and my soul. I feel sorry for it, poor bird. It''s not its fault that I have to kill it. But die it must.
I''m taking the rest of this week to regroup, then I will call my lawyer to setup an initial appointment for a legal separation. As soon as he gets a job, I intend to have the papers ready to go. Then comes the part of legally untangling 21 years of our lives.
Why can''t I catch that damned bird? Why does it sturggle so? Can''t it just lie down and let me kill it?
[This message edited by Skan at 2:05 PM, October 2nd, 2013 (Wednesday)]
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 38975
| Posted: 12:28 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
You have given so much wise advice to others and for that we all thank you.
When it is ourselves it is harder because we can't detach from the emotion, the history, the baggage quite as easily.
Know that you deserve better. If he isn't willing or able to be a person you want to live your life with then moving on will at least free you of his constant disappointments.
It sounds as if he almost wants to get caught.
Big hugs. Deep breaths and good luck. We are here.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou
Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 39077
| Posted: 12:33 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
The worst part is that the bird is beautiful. Hope is beautiful. But false hope is very much like a caged bird: no movement, limited possibilities, and definite loss of reasons to sing.
He's to blame for all of that - for taking something honorable and beautiful and making it be about pain.
My thoughts are with you. You're so strong. He's a fool to not value all the parts that make you strong.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 40144
| Posted: 12:40 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Hang in there, skan! I'm just so sorry for what you are going through.
I will keep you in my prayers.
May your bird find freedom to soar on the breeze and delight in the sunshine. May your bird make beautiful music again someday. No cages, no physical or emotional boundaries. Fly, bird, fly. Fly and find happiness and peace.
Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...
Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
|Getting to Happy|
Member # 35200
| Posted: 12:45 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Oh my goodness Skan...
Why can't I catch that damned bird? Why does it sturggle so? Can't it just lie down and let me kill it?
Let it die. Who knows what will rise from the ashes...
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Member # 40157
| Posted: 12:57 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
((((Skan)))) give that beautiful bird a new purpose. A hope that regardless of his choices you are choosing happiness for you. You are giving that bird hope in yourself and you can control that. Hugs hugs hugs!
Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.
Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
Member # 27176
| Posted: 2:01 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
trying to pin down the hope in my body, which is fluttering around like a trapped bird.
That is so heartbreaking and so beautifully expressed at the same time.
BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one
Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 40133
| Posted: 2:58 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Perhaps if you stop feeding the bird it will run out of energy and die of starvation...
Let this bird die, and let something new -- something more beautiful -- rise in its place!
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014
"One is not tempted by that he does not want."
Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
Member # 40183
| Posted: 2:59 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
The bird doesn't want to be killed it wants to fly.
You need to fly, you need to let go of your husband's dysfunction.
Spread your wings Skan.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 35215
| Posted: 5:35 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
(((Skan))) I'm so sorry to read this from you Just so disappointing that he did this.
You are a very strong woman and have so much wisdom to share here.
I think that sometimes the bird may already be dead, we just need to bury it. (Sorry I'm a morbid person)
BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended
Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Member # 39169
| Posted: 7:59 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Hugs, Skan. I'm so sorry to see your pain. You've been such a great friend to so many here. You were amongst the first to respond to my very first post and I've never forgotten your wisdom and kindness. My heart aches for you.
40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013
Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller
Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 38162
| Posted: 8:31 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
I am so sorry. I am in tears reading your last post. Please know that you're not alone when you're sobbing and puking in the night. We are thinking of you.
The bird analogy is so heartbreaking. But shouldn't the hope be for you and not for him?
After all, it's your bird--your dreams for you. You nurture it and feed it and set it free.
The hope that your H will transform himself--that needs to be his bird, not yours. I would say he's not a very responsible pet owner right now, but maybe he'll get to the point where he can figure out how to keep a bird alive.
In the meantime, what you're doing is the right thing. A very very hard thing so whenever we can help, let us know.
Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36711
| Posted: 8:35 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
I was so sad to read your post.
I'm another who always reads your posts and advice, another that you've helped... I hate it that you are hurting.
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.
Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 40203
| Posted: 8:40 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013|
Very sorry for you Skan. I am the BS. After I found out about my WW's A, I stopped looking at porn by myself. Mine only went to looking at images, but after my WW's A, I was so disgusted with anything that could even be considered close to cheating, I stopped easily.
It was close to an addiction for me as well. Now it turns my stomach to even think about it. I wish you the best and hugs and strength sent your way.
Posts: 166 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
|Topic Posts: 77|