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User Topic: We’ve Separated, I could use some support
ccw82
♀ Member
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

skan, I am so very sorry to hear this! Sending you strength, love, and courage.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((skan)) you know what to do... I'm so sorry.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4785 | Registered: Dec 2010
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, skan, I'm just so sorry to read this and know the pain you are in.

Although it's been said by others, I just want to agree that you have been a wonderful source of reason and comfort and wise words... I appreciate how you've helped others as you face your own battle.

Just so sorry yours has taken this awful turn.

I know you are strong and you will be even stronger. Know that we all care and are with you. Take good care of yourself and find your pathway to peace.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 657 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((skan))))) OMG I was SO HERE at this exact same point not too long ago..... Sending you strength, sweetie, take care of YOU.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I have no one IRL to reach out right now my mother is dealing with my father's stoke (just this saturday morning), my sister is dealing with that too, my friend who I talk with is having a horrible time in their marriage, and my SIL who I normally could lean on, is recovering from breast cancer. I told my boss she had to know since I can't stop crying for more than about 10 minutes. I think that I'm getting dehydrated got to get more water in me.

In-house is it right now. He's unemployed and until he gets a job and then we hammer out a separation agreement, i will not leave the house and we cannot afford for him to leave either. Hell, we're living on my tiny salary as CA hasn't sent us unemployment for almost 2 months now. Thank got for savings. I already have an agenda drawn up on dividing up the house, respecting each other's spaces, getting the house ready for sale, etc. I've printed off info on local SA groups which I'll give to him tonight, but that's completely up to him. Its not my job anymore. As for him continuing to whore around on the computer, as long as he does it in his room, I don't give a rat's ass. Not my problem anymore. Finances and getting the house ready for sale are the only things that we have in common right now without him doing something drastic. And I have no hope at all about that.

My main concern right now is the timing to tell our relatives, and the fact that I bought airlines tickets for the two of us to go visit his side of the family on Thanksgiving. Initial instinct was to not go, but if it's going to be goodby, I want to see them one last time as they all live on the east coast and it's likely I will lose them. Thank you God, that his mother is not alive to see this happen. She loved me like a daughter and I love her so much. This would have killed her. As it is, telling my mother and my now stroke-impared father is going to be one of the most difficult things I can imagine. They love him as a son. This will break their hearts.

I have to go cry again. I have to be strong tonight. No matter what, I have to be strong tonight.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've printed off info on local SA groups which I'll give to him tonight

Don't. Don't even give him this. He HAS TO do this himself. Don't help him. Stand back and drop your hands. You know damn well the man knows how to work The Google. Back up off the codependency!

Let Thanksgiving work itself out closer to the time. You may not want to go at all. ((hugs))


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6360 | Registered: Jan 2011
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't. Don't even give him this. He HAS TO do this himself. Don't help him. Stand back and drop your hands. You know damn well the man knows how to work The Google. Back up off the codependency!

I was coming to post the same thing.

~Gently~ Let go and make him be a big boy. He knows he has a problem, and if he wants to face it he needs to make that first step to getting help. Do not do it for him. Skan now takes care of Skan and her business ONLY! Mr. Skan is on his own.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, Skan. It has to hurt so much.

We're all here for you. Please PM me if you need to talk or need a call. You're not alone.

(((Skan)))


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan)))

I'm so, so sorry. I've been cheering for you and following your posts since I joined the site. Your common sense and strength and tenacity have helped clarify LOTS for me.

What the hell is wrong with your WH?! All the work and devotion you've given him risked for stupid and dehumanizing media?! My WH has a major internet/fantasy addiction and I understand perfectly the impossible confusion and betrayal that comes from being rejected for something that has NO substance.

I'm so, so sorry. It's time for him to fight for you like you've fought for him. If he can't/won't - FTG.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
jackie89
♀ Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry SKAN, I always read your posts. You are so strong and give such good advice!

You can do this. Stay strong.


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 469 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 3:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister Skan

I am so sorry. Dammit.

You deserve better. You are an intelligent, capable woman that has given your H more than a fair chance of being a man and treating your marriage and you with respect and dignity.

He has chosen to disregard those chances for some reason and for that I am so sorry.

Stand your ground. Stand tall. You have done nothing wrong.

You can't fix him. He has to want to fix him and right now he doesn't want to.

Deep breaths and know that your fan club is here for you when you need us.

(((hugs)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Apr 2013
HFSSC
♀ Member
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan,

Read your tag line. And read it again. And then read it again.

You are a strong, beautiful woman who is worthy of sailing unencumbered. I am so sorry that your husband has chosen to throw away such a beautiful REAL woman for freaking pixels of imaginary sluts. I just cannot fathom it.

(((Skan)))


Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2710 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
brokensmile322
♀ Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Skan))

I am so sorry you find yourself here, now. You have offered so much support and insight. We are here for you!


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1452 | Registered: Jun 2012
Karmita
♀ Member
Member # 40183
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


((((Skan))) I'm so sorry that you're hurting.

You are such a lovely and compassionate woman and you did not deserve this.


Posts: 73 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just finished the in-house separation talk. We were both surprisingly calm. We now each have our areas (some latitude in place until the guest room flooring is done) and common areas. Agreement on splitting chores, each of us to do a list and we'll swap each week. He'll trade me chores for driving him. We'll start looking into realtors in a couple of weeks.

Now, I'm numb.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Mom-of-4
♀ Member
Member # 29927
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

you have to draw the line for him. you are doing the right thing. I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. At least I can say that I know how you feel. Praying for you. You will get through this.


Me- BS 42
WH-43-5 month PA- outed when I was 28 weeks pregnant with baby #4
Married-13 yrs
Children- 5 children under the age of 10
OW- his boss' wife, a "friend"

*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*


Posts: 213 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: The South
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan))) sending you all the strength & love I have .
You deserve so much more than this.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1363 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((skan))))) Hang in there, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25070 | Registered: Aug 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had hoped that when you found his *stash* a couple months ago that he would finally *get it* that you weren't messing around.

I'm really sorry to read about this recent turn of events. Really, really sorry.

Something that may help you is for you to know that the most loving thing that you can do for your WH right now is to *step away* from him and his issues. If you *help* him at all, you are enabling the behavior and not allowing him to be responsible for himself. (My CSAT-spousal therapist worked hard to drill this notion into my head as I was struggling with NC....).

You'll get through this, Skan. You will......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, I am so sorry. You have always had my deepest respect and admiration, and even more so now. Stay strong, stay the course. Sending you everything I have got...


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1469 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 77
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