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User Topic: We’ve Separated, I could use some support
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I’m sitting at work, numb, and the damned tears won’t stop trickling down my face. That old saying of trust your gut certainly came true last night. I said good night and headed up to bed early as it was an exhausting weekend for both of us. Read a bit, looked at the time and thought, it’s later than he said he would be up, maybe I’ll go wake him up to come up to bed. I looked over the upstairs bannister and he wasn’t in the living room. Walked down the stairs and saw the light in the bathroom, so I went back to bed to wait. Waited for over 20 mins and my gut started aching.

Went back downstairs and noticed that his laptop wasn’t in the normal place. Went back to the bathroom, where the light was still on. Took a deep breath and opened the door. And there he sat, watching porn, now with a very startled look on his face.

Seems like he has been using a private browser, so it doesn’t show up on his computer history. Every time he shuts it down, it completely wipes itself of all content. I made him show me. He was just about to watch a video when I caught him. He had been looking at images before. Evidently he’s been doing this for (he says, but liars lie) for about a month now. A month that I mostly took off to be with him, so we could have some quality time together. Enjoy each other’s company. Drive him places he needed to be. Support him during his sister's breast cancer surgery. Support him on his upcoming biopsy. So we could draw even closer together.

And he’s been lying to me the entire time. I asked him, how long did he intend to keep on before telling me. He doesn’t know. I asked him what he told himself the first time he searched for images that he had agreed not to look at, to make it ok this time. He said that he justified it because it was “only” Playboy.

I screamed. I raged. I ran upstairs and threw all of his hanging clothing over the bannister screaming that he had killed our marriage. That I didn’t want to see him upstairs in MY bedroom. That we were separating. And then I collapsed and sobbed for most of the night. He slept on the downstairs couch.

Today, I got up, had coffee, and told him that I wanted his first priority to be finishing the guest bedroom flooring so that he could move into there. He had already hung his clothing in that bedroom. He agreed. He told me that he was going to fight for me. I asked him when. I told him that I was tired of being his keeper. He could do whatever he wanted on his computer, look at whatever he wished, but that I expected that he would not embarrass me, spend our funds on cybersex, and not date nor bring anyone home while we were married. He agreed. And I left. Then texted him a message telling him that we needed to talk tonight about the immediate future of our in-house separation. We have an appointment at 6pm.

Meanwhile, I sit here in front of my computer, with the tears sliding down my face. I have to tell my boss when she comes in I cannot hide this anymore. I feel like I’m dying the little death. I wish that I were numb.

[This message edited by Skan at 2:02 PM, October 1st, 2013 (Tuesday)]


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

skan, i am sorry that you are going through this crap. i understand all to well this particular kind of disappoint. where you think you are really moving forward...or at least trying to, even though it hurts so deep....and then learn that he has been lying the entire time. i understand. i think you are doing what you feel is best....you listened to your gut which is always on point...and now you are taking care of you. and that is all you can do.

hugs to you..


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((skan))))

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.

I assume that IHS is the only option right now? I ask because I know it can be very difficult to live that way...

Sending you hugs and strength...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS & 20 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/15(DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5027 | Registered: May 2007
Random thoughts
♀ Member
Member # 2959
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan

I'm so sorry that its come to this. Sending you prayers and to strong and stand your ground.

Remember actions and not just words if he's going to fight he needs outside professional help to work through his addiction.


Those three words are said too much and not enough.
Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol.
FWW

Posts: 1581 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Some where in New Jersey
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. Just keep on keeping on. Honor yourself.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan))) I am so sorry. You have been such a support to so many here and you have so much wisdom to share, also.

I am sorry I don't have any wise words to give back to you. You are strong, though, and aren't settling for less than you deserve. That was very brave of you, too.

(((Skan)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9543 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan)))

Sending you strength and support.


Posts: 6757 | Registered: Dec 2010
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God, just read your profile and I am so, so, sorry. You sounded so hopeful and now this. It just breaks my heart and I know that yours is broken. You have been so strong, and that is what you needed to be, but I know the pain is still intolerable.

He of couse is an addict. He does want his marriage but the pull of the addiction is just too strong. He has to go to a counsellor specializing in sexual addiction or he will keep offending. Whether or not you two stay together, he will still have to do that or he will never have a healthy relationship.

You have given him so many chances that I don't blame you for being done. Good luck in the future. I hope you find a strong, loving, man, that appreciates your strength and your character.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan)))

I am so sorry for your grief and pain. I feel particularly bad because, unfortunately, I relate in both ways.....for you being betrayed again (I know that feeling) and for your husbands use of porn (I know that feeling too).

I read a book, "everymans battle"....it changed my life...the key was I wanted free from my old habits. I still think it would be good for your husband to read....he does have to make the choice to change.

The book absolutely describes how porn degrades a persons soul and all relationships of that person viewing it. It also specifically describes the steps and process's for breaking that habit.

It was a tuff habit to break, but just as the book promises, it can be broken. IC helped me too....

I can tell you from experience...my enjoyment of almost every aspect of my life has increased exponentially since I have stopped using porn. And my wife knew I viewed it (but was not aware each and every time) .both of us subscribing to the false theory that "all men view porn".

I pray your husband opens his heart and decides to break this dreadful action...

I am so very sorry for my actions in this arena. It, like adultery, is all too common in society today. The stigma has been lost over the years....access to porn is so easy and free the. It was more challenging 30 yrs ago to view porn...but I still got some back then. Pray for our kids....not sure how any of them are going to avoid being negatively affected by porn.

Skan, I soap boxed a bit on here. I want you to know I am so very sorry for your pain. I am sorry your husband has hurt you again. I am sorry I can relate to your husbands dark side. I make no exercises for him or me. We both hurt our wives, and we hurt ourselves. I have not figured out how to repair the damage I have done....but am no longer causing new damages. It is a start. I pray your husband starts....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:03 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3610 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn it, I'm very sorry to hear this. just Playboy? My ass! with his issues, the JCPenney catalog bra section needs to be out of bounds.

his past history indicates that he does truly have a problem with porn. after the last go round, there was no question about how you felt about it or its use. he is either choosing to disrespect you or he needs professional help. there is not much middle ground here.

sending you strength and saying a prayer.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2726 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry honey. He just hasn't done what he needs to do to truly address his issues. You need to protect yourself.

(((skan))))



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan, I am so sorry (((hugs))). This is just heartbreaking. I absolutely agree with Kansas that your WH is an SA. It would be great if he would make an appointment with a CSAT and start going to SA meetings. Maybe you could check out a COSA or S-Anon meeting, you will find many people there with the same heartbreak and the IRL support is amazing.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Skan. Honey,Im so sorry. You are always so full of compassion and support for everyone here. Anyone who reads your posts knows you are an amazing woman. Know that you are not crying alone..many of us are crying with you,for you.

He's been given enough chances. Now is the time for *you* to fight for YOU.

((((((((((Skan)))))))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7320 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan))))
You did what you needed to. When dealing with addiction it's really a whole different thing. He probably in his heart wants nothing more than to have his M with you, but He also has that pull. But until he knows you will under no circumstances accept it he won't help himself to end the behavior. You know you can do everything from being supportive to standing on your head and whistling dixie for him, but until he does it for him, he isn't going to stop. All you can do is make him see, that you will not tolerate less.

Stay strong sweetie. You offer a lot to the folks here, and they are all pulling for you. No matter what happens, you know that you have done your best, tried your hardest to save your M.

You will be ok, you will not be broken forever. It's ok to be alone. You are a smart cookie who will thrive without the toxic life of constant worry, and upset.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8238 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
forgivingnow
♀ Member
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are hurting.
(((Skan)))


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 604 | Registered: Oct 2011
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

damn it, I'm very sorry to hear this. just Playboy? My ass! with his issues, the JCPenney catalog bra section needs to be out of bounds.


One of the first steps to breaking this habit, addiction is stop viewing anything suggestive. When you find yourself with "the urge"....reach out to others, remove yourself from the setting or stimulation.....so 5455real is spot on.....it might seem as if he were jesting, but he speaks real truth.

This, like affairs, can and should be stopped. And, just like affairs, the one in them is the only person to make that change happens.

He knows what you will and won't tolerate....you have been very clear. You have done the healthy thing. You have shown him you are still willing to work on your marriage in spite of the pain you are experiencing because of it. He must make a similar choice....a real, active, mature choice...and abandon his immature destructive ways of his past.

Peace to all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:28 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3610 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan....you have encouraged and supported me many times. You are strong and gaining strength.

Keep the faith.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3610 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((Skan))))))) Sending you everything I've got, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25060 | Registered: Aug 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Skan)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Skan! I am so very sorry that your WH has picked up this nasty habit again. So Sorry.

I too tried to go along with the 'all men look at porn' coupled with all men masturbate...

But it was the beginning of the slippery slope for our marriage to slide into the depths of betrayal and lies.

Mr. Happy's brain was rewired over the course of a few years. Then came the ED. Then he escalated into a few years of trolling for whores then Bingo the AP came on the scene...UGH! What a drag.

So I get it. And I have a zero tolerance for this stuff.

No offense to anyone indulges...Porno caused too many problems over in this camp.

I wonder how long you will be able to stand living with him under the same roof and him continuing the very things that have made you separate...HUMMM...

Stay strong my dear Skan. Painful as it is you know what to do.

(((((((((Skan))))))))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 77
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