Went back downstairs and noticed that his laptop wasn’t in the normal place. Went back to the bathroom, where the light was still on. Took a deep breath and opened the door. And there he sat, watching porn, now with a very startled look on his face.
Seems like he has been using a private browser, so it doesn’t show up on his computer history. Every time he shuts it down, it completely wipes itself of all content. I made him show me. He was just about to watch a video when I caught him. He had been looking at images before. Evidently he’s been doing this for (he says, but liars lie) for about a month now. A month that I mostly took off to be with him, so we could have some quality time together. Enjoy each other’s company. Drive him places he needed to be. Support him during his sister's breast cancer surgery. Support him on his upcoming biopsy. So we could draw even closer together.
And he’s been lying to me the entire time. I asked him, how long did he intend to keep on before telling me. He doesn’t know. I asked him what he told himself the first time he searched for images that he had agreed not to look at, to make it ok this time. He said that he justified it because it was “only” Playboy.
I screamed. I raged. I ran upstairs and threw all of his hanging clothing over the bannister screaming that he had killed our marriage. That I didn’t want to see him upstairs in MY bedroom. That we were separating. And then I collapsed and sobbed for most of the night. He slept on the downstairs couch.
Today, I got up, had coffee, and told him that I wanted his first priority to be finishing the guest bedroom flooring so that he could move into there. He had already hung his clothing in that bedroom. He agreed. He told me that he was going to fight for me. I asked him when. I told him that I was tired of being his keeper. He could do whatever he wanted on his computer, look at whatever he wished, but that I expected that he would not embarrass me, spend our funds on cybersex, and not date nor bring anyone home while we were married. He agreed. And I left. Then texted him a message telling him that we needed to talk tonight about the immediate future of our in-house separation. We have an appointment at 6pm.
Meanwhile, I sit here in front of my computer, with the tears sliding down my face. I have to tell my boss when she comes in I cannot hide this anymore. I feel like I’m dying the little death. I wish that I were numb.
[This message edited by Skan at 2:02 PM, October 1st, 2013 (Tuesday)]
D-Day, June 10, 2012
hugs to you..
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking for you.
I assume that IHS is the only option right now? I ask because I know it can be very difficult to live that way...
Sending you hugs and strength...
I'm so sorry that its come to this. Sending you prayers and to strong and stand your ground.
Remember actions and not just words if he's going to fight he needs outside professional help to work through his addiction.
I am sorry I don't have any wise words to give back to you. You are strong, though, and aren't settling for less than you deserve. That was very brave of you, too.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
Sending you strength and support.
He of couse is an addict. He does want his marriage but the pull of the addiction is just too strong. He has to go to a counsellor specializing in sexual addiction or he will keep offending. Whether or not you two stay together, he will still have to do that or he will never have a healthy relationship.
You have given him so many chances that I don't blame you for being done. Good luck in the future. I hope you find a strong, loving, man, that appreciates your strength and your character.
I am so sorry for your grief and pain. I feel particularly bad because, unfortunately, I relate in both ways.....for you being betrayed again (I know that feeling) and for your husbands use of porn (I know that feeling too).
I read a book, "everymans battle"....it changed my life...the key was I wanted free from my old habits. I still think it would be good for your husband to read....he does have to make the choice to change.
The book absolutely describes how porn degrades a persons soul and all relationships of that person viewing it. It also specifically describes the steps and process's for breaking that habit.
It was a tuff habit to break, but just as the book promises, it can be broken. IC helped me too....
I can tell you from experience...my enjoyment of almost every aspect of my life has increased exponentially since I have stopped using porn. And my wife knew I viewed it (but was not aware each and every time) .both of us subscribing to the false theory that "all men view porn".
I pray your husband opens his heart and decides to break this dreadful action...
I am so very sorry for my actions in this arena. It, like adultery, is all too common in society today. The stigma has been lost over the years....access to porn is so easy and free the. It was more challenging 30 yrs ago to view porn...but I still got some back then. Pray for our kids....not sure how any of them are going to avoid being negatively affected by porn.
Skan, I soap boxed a bit on here. I want you to know I am so very sorry for your pain. I am sorry your husband has hurt you again. I am sorry I can relate to your husbands dark side. I make no exercises for him or me. We both hurt our wives, and we hurt ourselves. I have not figured out how to repair the damage I have done....but am no longer causing new damages. It is a start. I pray your husband starts....
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:03 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
his past history indicates that he does truly have a problem with porn. after the last go round, there was no question about how you felt about it or its use. he is either choosing to disrespect you or he needs professional help. there is not much middle ground here.
sending you strength and saying a prayer.
He's been given enough chances. Now is the time for *you* to fight for YOU.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Stay strong sweetie. You offer a lot to the folks here, and they are all pulling for you. No matter what happens, you know that you have done your best, tried your hardest to save your M.
You will be ok, you will not be broken forever. It's ok to be alone. You are a smart cookie who will thrive without the toxic life of constant worry, and upset.
damn it, I'm very sorry to hear this. just Playboy? My ass! with his issues, the JCPenney catalog bra section needs to be out of bounds.
One of the first steps to breaking this habit, addiction is stop viewing anything suggestive. When you find yourself with "the urge"....reach out to others, remove yourself from the setting or stimulation.....so 5455real is spot on.....it might seem as if he were jesting, but he speaks real truth.
This, like affairs, can and should be stopped. And, just like affairs, the one in them is the only person to make that change happens.
He knows what you will and won't tolerate....you have been very clear. You have done the healthy thing. You have shown him you are still willing to work on your marriage in spite of the pain you are experiencing because of it. He must make a similar choice....a real, active, mature choice...and abandon his immature destructive ways of his past.
Peace to all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:28 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]
Keep the faith.
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
I too tried to go along with the 'all men look at porn' coupled with all men masturbate...
But it was the beginning of the slippery slope for our marriage to slide into the depths of betrayal and lies.
Mr. Happy's brain was rewired over the course of a few years. Then came the ED. Then he escalated into a few years of trolling for whores then Bingo the AP came on the scene...UGH! What a drag.
So I get it. And I have a zero tolerance for this stuff.
No offense to anyone indulges...Porno caused too many problems over in this camp.
I wonder how long you will be able to stand living with him under the same roof and him continuing the very things that have made you separate...HUMMM...
Stay strong my dear Skan. Painful as it is you know what to do.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.