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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What are the consequences ...
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you give me your opinion? I am looking for solid knowledgeable opinions, cause I keep going back and forth with this thought.

It's been four weeks now since my h and I had any discussion about what he has done to me, to our marriage. Things are going wonderful, however, I still have this feeling that he has left some information out. I do believe that it is not major, probably other ons. Still, feel he has not told me the whole truth.

And I feel if I keep at it, it will cause further arguments, further ill feelings. He loves me, I know that. I am sure of that, chances of him being unfaithful to me again are slim, (so I feel).

Can anyone out there tell me what are the consequences of an unfaithful husband not revealing every details to his wife. Anyone experienced that and would like to share with me. Cause, I do need to put this behind, yet I wonder if I should keep at it, keep asking him. I have absolutely no proof. All these ons happened while he was away working. He covered his tracks ...


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't think there is any place in a healthy marriage for secrets, and I don't think an additional ONS would be a small secret.

I can sense your frustration in that you don't have any concrete evidence, as your husband has covered his tracks very well.

Are you in MC? That would be a good format to discuss your feelings that you're not getting the full truth, and maybe talk about what kind of damage that would do to you personally if you were to find out 5, 10, 15 years from now, versus now, when you are trying to get everything out on the table at once.

Additionally, how do you think it would make you feel if you just sort of "moved on", and this was in the back of your mind for so many years.

I know it's hard to confront and work through this stuff, but it's definitely worth getting it done, and a good MC can help you work through things constructively.

I'm hoping most of all that there are no more secrets for you to find out. Hang in there and good luck.


Posts: 6567 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In R we all as BS's decide how much we want to know, some of us all the grimey details, some of us just a time line, some just if it was PA/EA. That is totally up to the BS.

What is important for the M to heal is knowing that you know that the WS is doing everything in their power to figure out the why's, the REAL why's not the I was lonely, I was drunk, I wasn't getting enough at home, but the real why's I am broken, and felt the need to escape from reality. I felt the need to be the center of a womans attention, I needed to be needed. And then doing the hard work to fix that within themselves.
What matters is that they are truly remorseful, not I'm sorry I was caught, but I am sorry I hurt you so badly. There is a huge difference. The first is met with anger, and resistance, and statements like "you will never believe me, when are you going to get over it, and I will not tolerate this invasion of my privacy". Instead it is met with true sorrow, with things like "I can't believe I did this to you, to us, I am going to do everything I can everyday of my life to proove to you that you are the most important thing in my life."

I think you know what finding out about another would do to you LBTS, I think you also know there is more, and that is why you are still stuck. If he can't be honest with himself, and you, it makes real R very difficult, I would venture to say impossible.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8093 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are my feelings true, or are my emotions confused. I'm stuck. I told him that there is a part of me that believes he is holding information. But you know, I'm not 100 percent sure about that.

Sunday, I told him that lies hurt more than the truth. God only knows how I would feel if he told me more secrets.

I am getting stronger, thinking more positively, I am so afraid to be wrong, so afraid to have regrets. Yet still feel incomplete.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO secrets between you lead to space between you and not true R.

Have you asked your H if he would take a polygraph? His answer may be illuminating.

My H lied for years. Years. And it did prevent him from facing his issues and kept us from where we could have been as a couple. He deeply regrets the lost years now.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, the polygraph. That is a chapter in itself. Yes, I did approach him. The appointment was scheduled and he backed out.

He did not want to spend 875.00 dollars, nor did he want to be humiliated ... His reason.

The more I get on this subject, the more I fume and the more I know that he is still lying.

I will never know the whole truth. It is up to me to either live with it, or not.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LBTS - Listen to your gut, what does it say, if that is where you get the sense he's still lying, then listen to it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8093 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Kimba22
♀ New Member
Member # 40476
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask will it really matter what it is at this point. The A was discovered and you are in R. I'm 5 months into R and things have been great. I know there is a bit more that he didn't disclose in our long talks but at this point what would it matter to me. I got the who, what, where and whens...maybe not every little sorted detail but enough for me to keep working on our R. Don't get me wrong, I have days when I get angry and/or just cry on my way home but it still won't change the past or what he did, as long as we are working to move forward then I'm going to keep on moving.

I guess it all depends on what you think he is keeping from you and if really matters in the R process??

Just my two cents...


ME: 46
H: 49
A from 3/9/13 to 5/13/13
DD: 5/6/2013
Married: 11 years
Blended family w/5 Children

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can I ask will it really matter what it is at this point

I can't think of anything MORE important than knowing what you are reconciling from. I think there is a massive difference between not being able to resurrect each and every small detail and letting lies go unaddressed.

Unaddressed lies lead to false recovery. Of that I am certain.

He MUST face the truth about what he has done. This is not only for your healing but for his.

Our spouses fed us a plate full of crap when they had an affair. Just because they are doing the dishes doesn't mean all is well. They have to address why they decided to feed us a plate of crap. It is good for them to do this work.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Most days I feel I'm ok with what I know. But the fact that he looks at me and reassures me that there is absolutely nothing else to say, and my heart tells me otherwise, that is what bothers me. That the fact he may be still,lying to me. It really gets to me.

But I am not sure ...


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

$875 is cheaper than a 10k retainer to a divorce lawyer.

Just sayin.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6351 | Registered: Jan 2011
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As we started to reconnect - before he moved home - I asked him point-blank if there were any OW that I did not know about prior to him moving out. I knew of #1 back in 2006 and he didn't sleep with #4 until after we separated. He looked me in the eyes and swore to me that those were the only 2. Obviously, by the numbers I just assigned them, you can tell he lied.

He moved home 2/21/13. On 4/4/13, I found a google chat from Oct 2012, while we were still separated, between him and a chick I knew. The gist was he was hitting on her. She responded with "Jane Doe said you were good. I was wondering when it was my turn." Well Hell! Jane Doe was a family friend and NOT #1 or #4. I was totally floored. He had lied to my face - again - to "protect" me! Yes, IMO the lying actually does more damage than just being honest up front!

I questioned him that night. He copped to a ONS with her - now known as OW#2. I gave him a choice that night. Come totally clean and cut ties with ALL of these random chick "friends" or lose me. He chose me. He then told me about #3.

The next day, we had a very hard discussion. I read him some of the twitter/facebook/google chat messages he had written to his "friends", not just the OW. He was disgusted with himself. I told him that a married man should NEVER have those conversations with other women, his boundaries were shit and that he needed to read NJF. He Finally got it!
He cut ties that day - copying me on the emails - with all of the bad/questionable influences in his life, including some male friends. We also made up a list of "if either of us does X, the consequences will be Y". The consequences range from counseling to divorce. He is very much aware of the consequences should he choose to go down that path again.

Bottom line, we each have to decide how much we want to know to be able to move on. To me, the truth was very important. IMO, it wasn't fair of him to ask me to R and let me fall in love with him again while still keeping secrets. We now have a truly open relationship - there are no more secrets. And we're happier than we have been in years.

Good luck to you!


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You aren't in R.

He's still lying, he starts arguments when you try to talk about it, you're worried about more ill feelings, he refuses to take a poly because he doesn't want to be humiliated... no, these are not the signs of a WS trying to reconcile. They're the signs of a WS still trying to damage control.

Operate from the position that you know you aren't in R with this person and won't be until he's 100% transparent at the very least.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7413 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Kimba22
♀ New Member
Member # 40476
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well if you think he is still lying about somethings then I have to agree with a few others here...You can R or it is a "false" R at best.

The whole mess makes me crazy and I get angry when I'm feeling sad andI get angry at H for doing this to us


ME: 46
H: 49
A from 3/9/13 to 5/13/13
DD: 5/6/2013
Married: 11 years
Blended family w/5 Children

Posts: 16 | Registered: Aug 2013
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know your husband but perhaps it is possible that there are some detail not included but would not make any difference in the R. The negative thinking you have is possiblly true, but there is also a chance that he IS telling all and is just "pinching pennies" to save himself more hurt and humiliation and you as well. I sometimes go down that road as well, but at some point maybe it is good to "take a leap of faith" and move on...I say all this but have trouble with it myself so don"t get me wrong! But I am 10 months out now and starting to think that at some point I have to move on for my own sake...is it easy? NO, but the clock is ticking and I am stuck...not good....he is so important to me but is not EVERYTHING in my life either. If I can't trust him completely, I can trust myself to handle whatever and make good decisions for me....he is a good person, got lost...perhaps that is your husband's case too? Ah,what can we do?


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 276 | Registered: Sep 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LBTS - What are you questioning, the details of what you already know happened, or that he had more A's than you have been able to confirm?
There is a huge difference in my book. I didn't need to know every sordid detail, or what they did, or what they talked about. I did need to know if he had unprotected sex, and if he had her in my home, and if there were any legal reprecussions. I did however give him one chance to tell me if there were others. He denied it, and I believed him, I believed him because his personality was so completely different during his A than any other time in our relationship I was already fairly certain of the answer.

If your gut is telling you more, then trust it. Listen to what the others have said. You tell us he gets angry, defensive, blames when you bring things up. This isn't R. He doesn't get it. He is still in a defensive stance, which means he has more to tell, or he really truly doesn't understand the level of damage he has caused.

Real R doesn't have you walking on eggshells afraid to ask questions. You say "the chances ofhim being unfaithful to me again are slim." Why? what has he done to change his behavior? did he figure out his why, and fix that within himself?


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8093 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a long caring conversation tonight which was not planned. I told him that I struggle every day with the thoughts, with the pain. He told me that he would be lost without me, and that I am the most important thing in his life. I asked him again why he did what he did. He did not reply quickly. Then he said something like "there is sometime no explanation to why we do the things we do". Again he swears that there is nothing else to add to his story.

He does not get defensive nor angry when we talk about this topic. He gets upset when I raise my voice, when I accuse him and when I corner him. He has been incredible to me. He has always been a good man, that is why I am still with him today. I have played the part to his behavior. No, I do not blame myself for his decisions, however, I was not a very good wife at times either. Not caring for him the way he needed to be cared for. We are both victims here.

Perhaps we both had to come to this hell for us to realize how much we do love each other and are meant to be together ... I only wish I did not have to go through so much pain to see what I needed was always in front of me.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't see other ONS' that your WH may have had as anything *major*?

Can anyone out there tell me what are the consequences of an unfaithful husband not revealing every details to his wife

I don't *know*, but I can tell you what I *think*.
Stbx totally lied to me like a rug about his extra-curricular activities. I didn't know *what* he was lying about as I was trying to wrap my head around his behavior....but I *knew* that he was lying and not giving me the full story.

I explained why I had a problem with this to him AND to the MC that we were seeing at the time (the MC totally sucked, btw). I told stbx that anything that he *kept* from me was going to cause problems down the road for the pure and simple reason that he would always tell himself *well, she doesn't know about *this* and if she found out about it, then she would definitely do *that*, kwim?

For a *true* R to be undertaken.....ALL of the cards need to be on the table. It gives you both a 'level' playing ground to start from.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7876 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
livebythesea
♀ Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ons are MAJOR! Like I said at the beginning, he covered his tracks. I have nothing to go by. I have asked and asked. I always get the same response.

What can I do? Either live with it, or not.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (he made that one up)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 8 2013
DD4 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 191 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
n0tm3
♀ Member
Member # 37884
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The biggest consequence is revelations or ideas that come later. You travel to an area where he may have had a ons. It will rip you back to square one. I have found that every time I have l learned every thing and can live with it some thing else pops up. Sometimes I am in a place he was in and I start to wonder how could he have thought this way or did this. I would never make such a decision. There are so many revelations that come months later that you never thought of at the beginning and it is almost just as painful. It is called a roller coaster for a reason. We so desperately want it to be going up and staying but it just wont. You can put yourself in a fog pretending that everything is alright and it will never happened. Then he touches you or says something and you wonder did he do the same with her.


Me: BS 45
Him: WH 45
DDay #1: 12/17/12; OW 47 married 23
years
DDay #2 2/1/13 EA 6 years ago for 2 weeks with a married college friend through FB
Married 18 years, together 21 years
3 kids; 7,13,16
R trying IC and MC

Posts: 235 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 21
Pages: 1 · 2

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