It's been four weeks now since my h and I had any discussion about what he has done to me, to our marriage. Things are going wonderful, however, I still have this feeling that he has left some information out. I do believe that it is not major, probably other ons. Still, feel he has not told me the whole truth.
And I feel if I keep at it, it will cause further arguments, further ill feelings. He loves me, I know that. I am sure of that, chances of him being unfaithful to me again are slim, (so I feel).
Can anyone out there tell me what are the consequences of an unfaithful husband not revealing every details to his wife. Anyone experienced that and would like to share with me. Cause, I do need to put this behind, yet I wonder if I should keep at it, keep asking him. I have absolutely no proof. All these ons happened while he was away working. He covered his tracks ...
I can sense your frustration in that you don't have any concrete evidence, as your husband has covered his tracks very well.
Are you in MC? That would be a good format to discuss your feelings that you're not getting the full truth, and maybe talk about what kind of damage that would do to you personally if you were to find out 5, 10, 15 years from now, versus now, when you are trying to get everything out on the table at once.
Additionally, how do you think it would make you feel if you just sort of "moved on", and this was in the back of your mind for so many years.
I know it's hard to confront and work through this stuff, but it's definitely worth getting it done, and a good MC can help you work through things constructively.
I'm hoping most of all that there are no more secrets for you to find out. Hang in there and good luck.
What is important for the M to heal is knowing that you know that the WS is doing everything in their power to figure out the why's, the REAL why's not the I was lonely, I was drunk, I wasn't getting enough at home, but the real why's I am broken, and felt the need to escape from reality. I felt the need to be the center of a womans attention, I needed to be needed. And then doing the hard work to fix that within themselves.
What matters is that they are truly remorseful, not I'm sorry I was caught, but I am sorry I hurt you so badly. There is a huge difference. The first is met with anger, and resistance, and statements like "you will never believe me, when are you going to get over it, and I will not tolerate this invasion of my privacy". Instead it is met with true sorrow, with things like "I can't believe I did this to you, to us, I am going to do everything I can everyday of my life to proove to you that you are the most important thing in my life."
I think you know what finding out about another would do to you LBTS, I think you also know there is more, and that is why you are still stuck. If he can't be honest with himself, and you, it makes real R very difficult, I would venture to say impossible.
Sunday, I told him that lies hurt more than the truth. God only knows how I would feel if he told me more secrets.
I am getting stronger, thinking more positively, I am so afraid to be wrong, so afraid to have regrets. Yet still feel incomplete.
Have you asked your H if he would take a polygraph? His answer may be illuminating.
My H lied for years. Years. And it did prevent him from facing his issues and kept us from where we could have been as a couple. He deeply regrets the lost years now.
He did not want to spend 875.00 dollars, nor did he want to be humiliated ... His reason.
The more I get on this subject, the more I fume and the more I know that he is still lying.
I will never know the whole truth. It is up to me to either live with it, or not.
I guess it all depends on what you think he is keeping from you and if really matters in the R process??
Just my two cents...
Can I ask will it really matter what it is at this point
I can't think of anything MORE important than knowing what you are reconciling from. I think there is a massive difference between not being able to resurrect each and every small detail and letting lies go unaddressed.
Unaddressed lies lead to false recovery. Of that I am certain.
He MUST face the truth about what he has done. This is not only for your healing but for his.
Our spouses fed us a plate full of crap when they had an affair. Just because they are doing the dishes doesn't mean all is well. They have to address why they decided to feed us a plate of crap. It is good for them to do this work.
But I am not sure ...
He moved home 2/21/13. On 4/4/13, I found a google chat from Oct 2012, while we were still separated, between him and a chick I knew. The gist was he was hitting on her. She responded with "Jane Doe said you were good. I was wondering when it was my turn." Well Hell! Jane Doe was a family friend and NOT #1 or #4. I was totally floored. He had lied to my face - again - to "protect" me! Yes, IMO the lying actually does more damage than just being honest up front!
I questioned him that night. He copped to a ONS with her - now known as OW#2. I gave him a choice that night. Come totally clean and cut ties with ALL of these random chick "friends" or lose me. He chose me. He then told me about #3.
The next day, we had a very hard discussion. I read him some of the twitter/facebook/google chat messages he had written to his "friends", not just the OW. He was disgusted with himself. I told him that a married man should NEVER have those conversations with other women, his boundaries were shit and that he needed to read NJF. He Finally got it!
He cut ties that day - copying me on the emails - with all of the bad/questionable influences in his life, including some male friends. We also made up a list of "if either of us does X, the consequences will be Y". The consequences range from counseling to divorce. He is very much aware of the consequences should he choose to go down that path again.
Bottom line, we each have to decide how much we want to know to be able to move on. To me, the truth was very important. IMO, it wasn't fair of him to ask me to R and let me fall in love with him again while still keeping secrets. We now have a truly open relationship - there are no more secrets. And we're happier than we have been in years.
Good luck to you!
He's still lying, he starts arguments when you try to talk about it, you're worried about more ill feelings, he refuses to take a poly because he doesn't want to be humiliated... no, these are not the signs of a WS trying to reconcile. They're the signs of a WS still trying to damage control.
Operate from the position that you know you aren't in R with this person and won't be until he's 100% transparent at the very least.
The whole mess makes me crazy and I get angry when I'm feeling sad andI get angry at H for doing this to us
If your gut is telling you more, then trust it. Listen to what the others have said. You tell us he gets angry, defensive, blames when you bring things up. This isn't R. He doesn't get it. He is still in a defensive stance, which means he has more to tell, or he really truly doesn't understand the level of damage he has caused.
Real R doesn't have you walking on eggshells afraid to ask questions. You say "the chances ofhim being unfaithful to me again are slim." Why? what has he done to change his behavior? did he figure out his why, and fix that within himself?
He does not get defensive nor angry when we talk about this topic. He gets upset when I raise my voice, when I accuse him and when I corner him. He has been incredible to me. He has always been a good man, that is why I am still with him today. I have played the part to his behavior. No, I do not blame myself for his decisions, however, I was not a very good wife at times either. Not caring for him the way he needed to be cared for. We are both victims here.
Perhaps we both had to come to this hell for us to realize how much we do love each other and are meant to be together ... I only wish I did not have to go through so much pain to see what I needed was always in front of me.
Can anyone out there tell me what are the consequences of an unfaithful husband not revealing every details to his wife
I explained why I had a problem with this to him AND to the MC that we were seeing at the time (the MC totally sucked, btw). I told stbx that anything that he *kept* from me was going to cause problems down the road for the pure and simple reason that he would always tell himself *well, she doesn't know about *this* and if she found out about it, then she would definitely do *that*, kwim?
For a *true* R to be undertaken.....ALL of the cards need to be on the table. It gives you both a 'level' playing ground to start from.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
What can I do? Either live with it, or not.