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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do you Regret it?
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Stop  Posted: 3:04 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was recently asked this questionÖÖ. And the answer is, no. I donít. after 8 months since D day, I donít regret my A. Now that being said, let me explain why my answer is what it isÖ I donít regret my A, b/c my relationship since D day, since looking back and seeing where my problems lie, where our relationship problems lie, and working on our problems and communication together has been sooo much better. There were so many problems with our communication before, that both of us were feeling trapped, unwanted, and not cared for, and neither one of us were relaying it to the other, although we both THOUGHT we were and thought the other just didnít care enough to listenÖ. But it was a matter of not knowing HOW the other communicated. This is not to justify my A. not at all. BH was right there when I was asked this question and heard this very answer (the shortened version at that time, and then the longer explanation on the way home) and understood what I meant by that. If I could take it back and do things differently and could go back and know how to communicate with my BH, and him with me, would I do itÖ. yes in a heartbeat. But, with the A happening, and then D-day happening, we have learned to communicate. And that is something that I donít know (and never will know) if we would have learned to do had this not happened. so no, I donít regret it. Iím sorry for it. Iím remorseful for it. and I work hard everyday to be a better person in hopes that my BH will still love me for me and that I can love me for me as well, but regretÖ.thatís something I donít, and wonít feel.

Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell yes I regret it!!!!

No matter how much of a better wife I am, or how much better our M becomes - it will never be as good as it could have been without my A.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
JKL Vikings
♂ Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi hisbunnyonly
I get where you're coming from. If I had a do-over, I would have NEVER been so stupid.
Yes the knowledge we gained came at a HIDEOUS cost. To me that's all the more reason to use it to try and make things the best they can be, including BETTER than pre-A


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 42
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 524 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No matter how much of a better wife I am, or how much better our M becomes - it will never be as good as it could have been without my A.

I agree with this, I feel as if maybe Iím not coming off the way Iím meaing to(and how Iím hearing the words in my head)
If something could have made our relationship better, I would go back and do that in a heartbeat instead of having the A. b/c yes I agree, our relationship could have been a lot better without it and will never be what it could have been, but without SOMETHING happening to get us both to realize we were not communicating correctly with each other and where the other was at emotionally, things would have not gotten as good as they are now either (thatís not to say our relationship is perfect or great now, itís been far too short of a period of time, thatís just to say that our communication and whatnot has gotten a lot better) but we both have stated in our MC sessions that before the A our relationship was on a fast track to divorce and we both knew it, we just didnít know the other was feeling that way, or why they were, much less why we were ourselves.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you're saying, but I just wish all of this change would have been sparked by something that only affected/hurt me. Maybe getting thrown in jail or a heart attack.
It is possible to regret something while also being grateful for the change it inspired.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hisbunnyonly...

The stop sign icon has been added to protect the BS's from triggering from this thread. There really isn't a reason to keep it open to BS replies when you're specifically asking questions from the WS's.

Thanks


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198293 | Registered: May 2002
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is possible to regret something while also being grateful for the change it inspired.

i regret the pain i caused my BH, our friends, our family. and if i could put it on myself only i would in a heartbeat.if there was ANY other way our relationship could have gotten to the point it is now, i would take it in a heartbeat. but i'm greatful SOMETHING happened to get us to this point, rather than nothing at all. so i think you and i are in the same boat.


Sorry Mods i thought i left the stop sign on. 100000 appologies and i hope no BS saw it and was triggered.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If something could have made our relationship better, I would go back and do that in a heartbeat instead of having the A.

Telling your BH how unhappy you were and that you wanted a separation is 'something'. Demanding you both go to MC in order to save your marriage is 'something'.

I do understand what you saying and for you that may well be the case. But for me? I would NEVER say it was needed to save our M.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get what you're saying, but I just wish all of this change would have been sparked by something that only affected/hurt me. Maybe getting thrown in jail or a heart attack.

This.

I am a better person due to the work I did on myself post-D-day. But in having the A in the first place, I hurt my XH more than anyone else has ever hurt him in his 40+ years of life. That's a huge burden to carry, you know? That I was responsible for basically destroying someone on an emotional level when I was the person who promised to stand beside him and protect him...and yet I was the one who did him the most harm.

I do not regret the positive changes in myself post-A. Would have been nice, though, had the catalyst for those changes been something that didn't cause widespread destruction to innocent bystanders.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2231 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling your BH how unhappy you were and that you wanted a separation is 'something'. Demanding you both go to MC in order to save your marriage is 'something'

this is where i don't think i'm getting across where our communication and understanding was. i did tell him i was unhappy many times, in many ways, well before the A, but they were not ways that he was understanding, and he was doing the same to me, and i was not understanding. our communication was there, but not in ways that we understood what the other was saying or asking for.
i am not saying the A was what our marriage NEEDED..... never would. i'm just saying that that along with the 100000 negative things that have come from the A, there was a positive. a sliver of sunlight. and that is what we have chosen for ourselves to keep us pushing forward. not to ignore the negative, but to always keep that positive in sight.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That I was responsible for basically destroying someone on an emotional level when I was the person who promised to stand beside him and protect him...and yet I was the one who did him the most harm.
Ding, ding, ding.

Ok so our relationship is in a better place. We can talk and communicate better. And?

Doesn't make up for the sleepless nights. Doesn't make up for the distrust in his eyes. Doesn't make up for the disdain for my wedding rings when he used to be so proud of them. Doesn't make up for wonderful moments completely ruined by an unexpected trigger. Doesn't make up for his doubting my love, his doubting himself, his absence of self-worth, no thanks to my crappy actions.

It doesn't make up for it, and what we have now was not worth cheating to get. Sure we're in a pretty good place. But it wasn't worth risking what I did, to get where we are today.

I absolutely regret my actions. I abhor who I was and what I did to those I claimed I loved.

Our marriage isn't better because of the affairs. It's better in spite. When everything was stacked against us, when my actions were designed to destroy us, somewhere in the depths of our souls, we found the gumption to heal and make it work.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 4:08 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6303 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do regret it. I regret it because I disrespected my H and hurt him in the deepest way possible. The man who I've loved since we were 16 years old and is a really good guy and didn't deserve it, at all. I also disrespected myself. I acted like a slut. I was behaving like I was single when I was married and behaved shamefully. I look back now with disgust. Who acts like that?

Yes, we had our issues and we communicate better now and our marriage is a lot better than it was. But shit, if I was brave enough and strong enough to not take the most fucked up way possible to make my point...damn, that would have been so much less destructive.

Yes, definitely, I regret it .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38028 | Registered: Sep 2007
Hisbunnyonly
♀ Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so our relationship is in a better place. We can talk and communicate better. And?

Doesn't make up for the sleepless nights. Doesn't make up for the distrust in his eyes. Doesn't make up for the disdain for my wedding rings when he used to be so proud of them. Doesn't make up for wonderful moments completely ruined by an unexpected trigger. Doesn't make up for his doubting my love, his doubting himself, his absence of self-worth, no thanks to my crappy actions.


true, communication doesn't make up for those things, nothing is going to make up for them, but the communication in your marriage can sure make those things "easier" to deal with. this was a quote directly from my BH.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but the communication in your marriage can sure make those things "easier" to deal with
But if we hadn't cheated in the first place, we wouldn't be dealing with the fallout, thus needing the better communication to make things "easier".

If you and your hubby are thankful, appreciative, and don't regret the path you took, yay for y'all. But I can guarantee you, had your relationship ended in divorce, you'd be singin' a different tune. What then? Would the risk still be worth it?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6303 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I can guarantee you, had your relationship ended in divorce, you'd be singin' a different tune.

I'd say from experience this is very true.

We are back together after divorce. Our relationship is not better than it was before the divorce---it wasn't bad then and it isn't bad now, but it isn't "better"---and now, I wear the scarlet A in addition.

Nope, not worth it.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2231 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely regret my A. I regret every action I took, everything I ever said to my xAP, every lie I told. I regret hurting my BH and our daughter, and our family and friends.

I too look back at my actions and am disgusted with myself and the person I was...I am still in disbelief that that person was me.

I regret not telling my BH about my unhappiness...I should have approached it like an adult rather than lie and hide.

If I could go back and redo everything I would in a heartbeat.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 873 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am curious HBO, what have you learned about YOU in all of this? What you have mentioned has everything to do with your relationship and not you.

If your asking me if I regret what I did, I feel regret is a waste of energy. Betraying myself was something I had no idea I was capable of, so finding that out was good for me, so I could be aware of it and find out why it happened, so it would not happen again. Betraying my husband and our vows was something that I though I would never do, I learned something about myself, I learned that my coping skills sucked when put under extreme stress and I had to change those, so I had my back at all times.

This wasn't about communication, and making my M better. It was about never betraying myself and in turn my H again.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5071 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel regret is a waste of energy

Bingo!

If I do something that hurts myself or others I dig, find, fix. Not sure if that qualifies as remorse. It's a pretty selfish process as I don't want to use toxic thought processess regardless of the target.

I don't think I've ever regretted something.

I am curious HBO, what have you learned about YOU in all of this? What you have mentioned has everything to do with your relationship and not you.

Yep. Rather than worry about regret vs remorse vs sad vs disappointed vs whatever, what have you identified as the thought processess you had in place that you used to view an affair as a viable alternative to...oh...say talking about some MC or asking for a divorce, if things were that bad


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regret? Yeah, you could say that. I would give body parts to undo this. There are better ways to learn life lessons than betraying the person you swore to stand as champion for.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't. I can't. The only way I could have learned what the time bomb was was to go through this hell. And now that I know... I cannot regret, because I would have spent the rest of my life asleep. Never knowing.

And it's important to know.

I just wish I did not have to hurt my H in the process.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6101 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Topic Posts: 25
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