its going to be a wild ride. it's referred to as a rollercoaster, and let me tell you what, it is a very apt description.
briefly, in the upper left hand corner is healing library. read a lot. get to a doctor and tell him or her what has occurred. anti anxiety or depression medications might be helpful at this point. STD testing is also mandatory. not only for yourself but for your wife as well. take good care of yourself, make sure you stay hydrated and try to eat a regular healthy diet. it's not unusual to hear of people who have lost 40 to 50 pounds in a matter of months after discovery. believe me, it is not a healthy way to do it.
take it easy on yourself. regardless of what was occurring in your marriage at the time, the affair is totally her responsibility. everyone has issues in their marriage. an affair is never the answer. do not take any responsibility.
sorry you had to find us, we are glad you're here.
I am very sorry that you find yourself here, you will get a lot of support.
First of all look for the "healing libraty" under the library threads. You will find a ton of info that will help understand what has happened and a start for your healing process.
Keep yourself healthy. Eat what you can and make sure you drink water. Your body is going to be put through a ton of stress over the next few months and you will need to stay as healthy as possible to navigate through it.
i got back from a business trip over seas after just moving to a new state the week before. my wife told me she lost that "connection" with me and we need to get it back.
This is a very common statement made by wayward spouses. Often refered to as ILYBNILWY (I Love You But I Am Not In Love With You). There is a very strong possibility that the A was going strong at this point.
It is normal for your emotions to be all over the place right now as you are most likely in shock and more pain than you have ever felt. If your anger or sorrow gets to be to much consider seeing a doctor for AD medication.
You must also schedule yourself for STD tests with your doctor. If your WW had unprotected sex with the other man then she has also put you at risk, she will also need to be tested.
If the OM is married then you should contact his W. Do not tell your WW that you are going to do this as she may warn the OM it's coming. Having two sets of eyes will hellp insure the A does not go underground.
Keep posting. Check out the "Betrayed Men" thread in the I can relate section, you will get lots of help there also.
Sorry you are here. We've all been through it. It helps to share. Post often. We are here for you.
Make sure to take care of yourself, very important, come and talk to us.
There are also beautiful stories that couple reconciled.
Cry if you need to....but you will get better...
What you are experiencing is the Rollercoaster of emotions after infidelity.
You need to quit worrying about her hurt. YOU are the one that has been cheated on here. SHE needs to be comforting you, and worrying about YOUR hurt.
Also, you both need to be tested for STD's, and you must insist that her docs office release her results to YOU. Remember, cheaters lie, and yes, some will even lie about STD's.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
This is going to one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. Accept that the next bit will be hard, and you will survive it.
Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. This magic 3 helps you stay somewhat sane, and grounded. If you are having accomplishing this call your Dr, and get soem pharmaceutical support for a while.
I agree that you need to make her get STD checked, and yourself as well. You also need to accept this has nothing to do with you. This is all on her. It was her choice to do what she did.
I see many have already given you good advice, and although you want this to work, it is helpful to see an attorney, to find out what your rights are, and how this would play out, if she can't get it together, and do what needs to be done to heal herself and your M. Don't be paralyzed with fear of the what if's. Get answers, this will give you some strength.
You need to take some basic first steps to heal your M, and start on the road to R. And the first of those is establishing NC (no contact) between her and her AP (affair partner). In addition you need to tell the other spouse if there is one what happened. This helps you bring this A out into the light of day, and when both Betrayed spouses know they can often help each other keep track of NC.
You need complete transparency from her, all phone and email passwords, access to all her devices, without anger, without frustration. There is no privacy in a M. So don't let her pull that card. Be prepared to have consquences for her actions, and follow through, for many of us here, that is what finally wakes up the WS (wayward spouse).
Read my profile, to answer your question, yes R is possible, but brother it is a long hard road, but as Vet, I can say at 5 years out that I would do it again. We are better, stronger, closer, and happier now than ever. But only because he was willing to bust his Ass and do the hard work of R.
Welcome, so sorry you are here.
If you find yourself wanting to forgive, but you can't yet. Tell her this be honest. But, let her now NC is a must, you must see remorse, and she has to be patient with you while you decide. The fact that you are even considering R, she should see as a gift. It's ok for her to be scared, but not remorseful, or blameshift as she did when she was trying to reconnect with you. She knew then what had caused the problem, but she made it seem like it was you. Don't let her do anymore of that. This is hard enough. Many times WS try to blame us, make us feel bad for their broken self etc.
Good Luck my fried,
Most of us think infidelity is a dealbreaker. Many of us think we won't be able to get over it at one time or another. But, you get wiser when this happens, and you will surprise yourself with your strength.
Also, you wife might still be a little foggy. Has she gone NC (no contact) with him? Be prepared to hear some hurtful stuff as she withdraws. It will be helpful to you (and her) to see the other man as a drug. . . it is very much a similar thing. It is not about love, and it is not about you -- it is about escape.
Hang in there -- keep posting. It does get better.
I edit, therefore I am.
Brother, we all get the need to forgive. You love her. So something in you says if you forgive her, YOU will make it all better.
The instant you take ownership for her affair, your marriage gets EVEN worse. Cheap forgiveness may not seem like taking ownership of her affair, but it is often easily interpreted that way by the betrayer. They think "Well, he forgave me. I did not do anything really bad. Besides, he would not forgive me if he didn't think HE caused this..."
You need to stop and think. Or what we say - DETACH as much as you can emotionally. Force yourself to think that this is your best friend in this situation and what would you tell him to do.
You'd tell him to see a lawyer to learn his rights. Why? Because you know she is a skilled liar and betrayer. She probably has a lawyer on speed dial ready to protect her. Why play on a field where your opponent outguns and outnumbers you??
You would tell him to seek IC for his pain. He needs help to process the searing knife that she shoved into his heart.
You would tell him to focus on himself. To find activities that he enjoys, that make him a better person. To get away from her as much as possible until he has his feet under him.
And you would tell him that SHE HAS TO WORK THROUGH HER BROKENNESS. He cannot fix her and he cannot make her safe, as much as he wants to fix her. She has to find out why she could do this and not only betray her marriage, but betray herself (assuming of course she is not a sociopath)
And finally you'd tell him to expose the affair to loverboy's wife or GF. She deserves to know. Don't trust anything the WW tells him about the affair partner. Odds are its just a lie too...
Strength to you brother. Do the right
[This message edited by reallyscrewedup7 at 6:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]