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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Help with Email Reply
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been successfully NC with WS since he moved and didn't give me his address. He started sending me emails and texts shortly after I decided to go NC. One email was asking what I was planning to do when the lease for our home was up (it expires in October). My landlady knows my situation and has agreed to let me go month to month until I find a place. As you can imagine, dealing with what I've been dealing with, taking care of a baby alone, and working full time...I've been looking for a place of my own...by myself. I obviously can't just rent a room...and I have to consider the dogs too. So I wrote him back this:

I wrote this:

At this time I have not found alternative housing for DS, myself, and the dogs and will remain in the house until I am able to do so. I will need your portion of the October rent before 10/1/13. I will also need your contribution for the baby supplies and expenses. Please email me once you have placed the funds in the household account.

Here is the reply I received today:

I'm sorry, but I have been advised considering I no longer reside there, the lease expires October 31st, and October's rent has already been paid I am no longer responsible for rent at [address]. I am completely prepared to take care of DS and the dogs while you look for another place to live, prepare the house to hand back over to the landlord, and assist you with your move. I will retrieve the rest of my belongings whenever is convenient for you to provide access to the house.

This reply just cut me to the core. It feels like a knife in my chest. I don't have any temporary orders in place. We haven't filed for D yet. He has been afraid that I would move with my son 3 hours away to my hometown. I have no one but 2 friends here.

The irony is that I HAVE been looking for a place here. I have been trying to stick it out even though my gut tells me to retreat and go lick my wounds and live with my parents.

I'm going to attempt to still look at the two houses I was scheduled to look at this week...but I feel like going home. I get this way anytime things get tough with WS.

I have stayed NC and don't plan on responding to this. If he is saying he isn't going to give me any $ then that's what he is saying. No email response from me is going to change his mind. I assume he will stop paying the other half of bills he has been paying too.

It's time to do things the legal way...but I have to admit this really hurts.

Who is this man? I'm hurt.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I'm crying at my cube. Does he think I can survive without his financial assistance? It's ridiculous. I know I have to file temporary orders...but he just makes me want to move home just to get away from this situation.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh honey, I'm so sorry.
Finish your cry. Stop looking for a place until you have found an attorney. File an emergency order if you need to.
Quit trying to figure him out right now, it's too painful, a waste of your time, and you need to direct your energy elsewhere until the emergency has passed.
May I ask? Why are you trying to stay? It doesn't seem logical when you have a perfectly good support network to help you out until you get back on your feet elsewhere.
Your baby will have a mother that isn't so stressed out due to finances, will have loving grandparents, and you will have someone who loves you unconditionally easily accessible.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
jael9
♀ New Member
Member # 32804
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

New MOM,
You have a PM.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2011
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need a lawyer immediately. Stop looking for a house until you're able to retain one. File for EMERGENCY temporary orders and custody.

From what he wrote it sounds to me like he's planning to take your baby from you. He already has a lawyer.

I want you to call a women's shelter or a women's law group right now. RIGHT NOW.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9232 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are all correct. I have not responded to the email he sent. Here is the next email he just sent me. Keep in mind that he has been the only one to cancel plans at the last minute. He also used to bring him home somewhere between 8-9;30pm and sometimes 10. I had to finally put my foot down and say 8pm. It's not my fault that his parents are accommodating to our schedule. I get off work at 6pm. I could just go pick him up, but I've been respectful of his time with his son.

Also, we pay $150 a week for his parents to watch him. I pay $300 a month. WS has NO OVERNIGHTS with DS. I've put off filing because in my state I would have to give WS more time...and I don't even know where he lives!!!!

But I hear what you all are saying. I HEAR IT!!!!

Newmom,

I just thought we should communicate a schedule for DS' pick up and drop off. My parents will not be dropping him off at your house. That is an added strain on them and they are already more than accommodating to our schedules.

I would prefer to drop him off to you Monday-Friday at your house at 8:00 PM, with the exception of Wednesday when he may be a little later because his Gymboree open gym class is not over until 8:00 PM. If you or I have other obligations such as work, appointments, etc. we should communicate that early enough so arrangements can be made by one of us to pick him up or drop him off later or if necessary, my parents can accommodate. I believe you said you would like to know by 5:00 PM if I am unable to pick him up and I can accommodate that. When I drop him off, we do not have to speak or otherwise engage. I feel this is important for him to remain consistent as possible. DS and I also share a special bonding time during the ride. I also want to be sensitive to your request for distance between us. So while I won't push the issue at this time, I want to make you completely aware of my opposition to having you pick him up every night. It would also be an added strain on you to pick him up every night.

I would also like to pick him up for his Gymboree class on Saturday mornings at 10:30 AM. Outside of that, if I have plans to be with him or if I will be out of town, that will be communicated the week prior (Monday or Tuesday) so arrangements can be made. Alternatively, if you plan to take him out of town or go out of town without him, please do the same the week prior (Monday or Tuesday). This is also important to communicate with my parents if they will not be needed for childcare during the week so they can make other arrangements for work.

I can also pick him up, keep him overnight, and drop him off anyday of the week if you will communicate your needs and schedule with me with courteous notice. Let me know if this will work for you. I am only initiating this dialogue because it is important for him to have regular and meaningful time with each of us and for us to have a schedule that will be manageable and consistent for everyone.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:57 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I'm learning anything from this..it is to stay silent and go protect myself. He is painting himself to be the most responsible parent of all time. I cannot tell you how many weekends have gone by without a peep from him. I asked him after DS' 6 month check up to spend MORE time with him. It's ridiculous!

I know I shouldn't care about his thought process behind any of this...but it's all for show. It's not real. He doesn't give a crap...if he did...he wouldn't be threatening to cut off financial support.

So sad...but I guess he has always been the one pushing me to make the hard choices from the beginning. Why would this be different?


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Newmom,

The legal system is your friend here. It does not matter that you don't know his address.

He has abandoned your place, set up shop elsewhere and is not being the father the law requires him to be.

Emergency or temporary alimony and child support is likely available to you. But you will need an attorney to make it happen.

For you and your children, get legal help and allow the legal system do your talking for you.

Document all of your parenting and child are time and expenses - all of it - time with them, taking the, to/from any and everything, especially Dr visits. Keep receipts of all money you spend on your children and keep a running summary. In the legal system, documentation wins.

[This message edited by Merlin at 1:15 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Contact a lawyer right now. There are legal remedies available to you, but you MUST take steps to get that help.

Do not let your fear & ignorance of what you're entitled to cost you your baby. I know that sounds harsh, but your STBX has legal representation already & is making moves already. You're alone in a shark tank, and they're moving in.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9232 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
♀ Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please please please contact an attorney. If he is ONLY looking out for himself and is making himself look like the perfect dad with these fricken emails. He has his parents here to support him. They are probably helping with attorney costs. They may not be charging HIM for child care costs.

He is setting you up. Please see an attorney yesterday! You are entitled to more than you know. Do not engage. NC. Remember that everything both of you email to each other, may be read by a judge. Keep us updated.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Mediation date: 7/10/14 and 7/22/14
Final final court date: Oct 2014

Posts: 2107 | Registered: Oct 2012
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Making an appointment with one of the attorney's I went to see in August.

One of my coworkers thinks a WOMAN is behind these emails. They aren't worded in a way my WS talks and I don't think an Attorney would write this way either.

I know I'm not supposed to care what WS is doing or thinking, but it makes sense as to why he didn't want to tell me he moved.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a little out of my depth here, but I don't think it really matters who is behind the emails. They are evidence enough that, sadly, he has already begun circling the wagons.

What I would worry about is your in-laws. I seem to recall that they were very upset by the idea that you might move away to be with your parents and take DS with you. When they saw what a shit their son was in all of this (I remember your post about the dinner where he acted like an infant), they may have decided their only recourse was to help him get as much access to their grandson as possible. In other words, they may be conspiring against you to keep you right where you are for their own benefit.

We didn't have kids, but WS's brother and mother turned on me faster than lightning when this all happened. They knew that WS was treating me like dirt-- even my MIL recognized he was doing to me what her husband (WS's father) had done to her-- but they still sided with him.

Take this with a grain of salt-- but when DDay happened, I moved in with my parents. I didn't want to be alone, I needed help with my ancient dog and I needed the financial help. It stinks in many ways, yes... but it was the right move. For me, anyway. I'm paying down the debts WS left me with and I hope it puts me in a stronger position in the long run.

((hugs)) This really is terrible, NewMom. My heart aches for you. You know I've been following your situation from the beginning.

It's disgusting what he's doing. Don't you hate it when the SI veterans are right all the time? I've given up resisting them!


BS / D

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((hugs)))

I have not read everything in this thread. I read up until his second email to you.

My take is that 1) he is taking legal advice from someone who does not know the law (I will get to that in a moment) and 2) he is trying very hard to bully you.

My X also pulled the whole "I don't live there, why should I pay??" crap. Unfortunately, that flies UNTIL you have a court order. My X thought he was so secure in his position, until MY lawyer schooled him.

I commend you are staying NC and not responding to his crap. That is sooo hard, I know. Stay strong.

I think his parents may be the puppet masters behind his emails. They have been caring for your DS but suddenly do not want to drop him off at your house. Not cool.

Her is something to think about -- he basically abandoned you and DS. So far the court is not involved. There is nothing that is preventing you from leaving town with DS once the lease is up. I do not know your job situation and I do not know the dynamics with your parents. But if you think you can find a compatible job where your parents live and your parents are decent folks (and not all parents are, plus there is a "spectrum" of what can be considered acceptable from parents...) then do not think of going to live with them as retreating and licking your wounds. I am NOT saying that is the solution for you, only you can know that. But if the only thing keeping you from doing that is pride and a sense of independence, then rethink it. Family can sometimes be the most surprising support system you have (and sometimes they can be soul-sucking drama llamas that you need to stay far away from -- only you can judge that)

Keep your appointment with the L. ALSO, very important, document EVERYTHING with regards to your WH's interaction with DS. Every good thing and every bad thing and every indifferent thing. Just write it down in a journal or a calendar.

Also save every single email and text he sends you. He has already said he will not help support DS. In writing. That will not bode well in front of a judge.

As for now, do not respond to his last email. At leat not yet. He is trying to bully you into accepting what kibbles he wants to throw his child's way (special bonding time during the drive?? With a baby who is facing the back seat? and probably asleep? wow...). Also consider getting a 3rd party day care provider and stop using HIS parents. It will likely be more expensive in terms of money, but the peace of mind may be worth it.

I know you are dealing with a lot, especially given that you have a baby. Take tiny steps. Do small things to move in the right direction. There will be days when you simply cannot deal with all of this -- that is ok. On those days, just focus on DS and hug him and cuddle with him.

Oh, one final thought. No judge will give WH visitation unless he provides you an address. That is a given. Take comfort that the court is on your side for many things because WH is being just a dick.

[This message edited by Dreamboat at 10:38 PM, September 30th (Monday)]


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PL brings to mind another thought: Grandparent rights. It is possible that your state recognizes grandparent rights, and if so then I bet your inlaws are going to make moves regarding visitation (based on how involved they are now, plus the comment your STBX made).

Girl, I really hope you're moving like the wind to get legal representation and protect yourself.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9232 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beyond what everyone else is saying, I find it curious that you are paying his parents, your sons GRANDPARENTS $150/wk for child care!! That is $20-$30 more than the going rate around here. I think you need to get more suspicious. My guess is that your 1/2 of the child care cost is covering all of the childcare cost. And I'm sorry, but this man cheated in you, his parents raises the cheater, and now they have your son the majority if the time and you are paying them for it?

It definitely sounds like he has legal counsel and that he may be gaining the upper hand here (you mention you were asking him to spend more time with the baby? By text? That shows you trust him and feel he's competent and now he's playing all nice and reasonable. Scary). I would not think twice about heading back to my parents, and quick, before that is no longer an option.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies everyone. I talked to my boss yesterday. She agrees that I should be in my hometown with my family. She suggested I change from full time to freelance. I have about 18 months worth of work that I can do as a freelancer. I'm meeting with the attorney first before I finalize anything.

Last night, when I ignored WS' email about his preference to drop off DS at my house...and I went and picked him up from the in-laws....guess who was there holding DS? He parked his truck in their second driveway and I didn't even notice that he was there. I just smiled at my beautiful son, politely said hello, and gathered his things and left. My mom said she already knew he was going to be there. She thinks he is grandstanding, puffing his feathers, and talking out of his ass. Since I've gone no contact, she believes he is angered and trying to exert his control and power and hurt me. I obviously agree, but this is temporary. The law will set him straight.

I'm trying to move swiftly but also not jump up and react hastily just because he is trying to intimidate me.

I have to admit, NO CONTACT= NO NEW HURTS is right on. Just a few weeks ago I would have responded, reacted, and flailed about like a dying fish. I feel stronger...and even though I sound like a limp noodle sometimes, I'm very proud of the way I've handled things. I'm not proud of some of my previous reactions to WS' antics, but I can honestly say that I gave him every opportunity to come back. I gave him every opportunity to see his son and spend time with his son, independent of my relationship with him.

My best friend is therapist and she thinks I should stay in town. She says I lived here before I met WS and I shouldn't run away just because of him. She thinks my family will stifle me and I will still be dealing with the same issues brought on by Divorce. She says if I stay here it doesn't mean that I'm rolling over for WS. But she thinks me leaving is going to create a major maelstrom that will be bigger than what is happening now.

I'm going to weigh all of my options and do what is best for ME. If I'm not happy, the baby isn't happy.

Thank you all for your replies. I don't know what I would do without this forum.

Right now, I feel ready for what lies ahead. I feel a little (80's reference) Helen Slater in the Legend of Billie Jean. Cue the Pat Benatar soundtrack.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 9:22 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To what your friend said. Remember, staying with your parents doesn't have to be permanent. But distance will certainly help with your healing.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah... I have to agree. Obviously I don't know your relationship with your folks, but the advice from your friend sounds a little off. You shouldn't have to psych yourself up to stay where you are and tolerate his shit if it is making worrying about you, your DS and kicking his ass in court any more difficult than it already is.


BS / D

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been talking about moving since DDay...wouldn't you know it, today is the day. Called attorney and I'm well within my legal right. Atty also double triple checked it. I'm gone. Just like that.

Will write more in a bit.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am glad you are going home. I think that is the best thing you can do to protect yourself and your child. I unfortunately stayed in the same town and it was a mess. Not only with the in-laws, but with XWH#1. They all tried their best to take my son from me and it wound up costing me a fortune in legal fees. Had I left right away, I would have been so much better off and he could not have played the mind games he played on my son for so many years. Get out while you can and don't look back.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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