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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Being civil
Running the Race
♂ Member
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This might be just a vent post, this situation is weighing on me. My exw bday is tomorrow. Since we have 3 kids, my plan is to send her a text in the morning. Just with a simple, "happy bday.".
I don't plan on buying her anything or having anything for her like a cake or cards.
That night is my weeknight to have the kids, so they will be with me. I've got to say, I really wish I didn't care that it's her bday, but I do and not in a good way.
I know she was big on trying to plan something big, so I think it's time for her to party this weekend.
I really hope her bday sucks. I hope it's a big let down. Last year we were trying to work things out, the kids and I decorated the living room with balloons, streamers, and a bday sign. She went out with her friends that night and treated the rest of us like she could care less, then last week she complains that the kids and I are bonding and she is growing apart from them.
I think at the age of 37, my EXWs priorities are work, post on Facebook, and party with her friends.
Bottom line, I hope her bday sucks, I wish I didn't care, but I hope it sucks.
But I'll be civil to her.

[This message edited by Running the Race at 7:44 AM, September 30th (Monday)]


BS-Me (38)
FWW-(37)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Running))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24462 | Registered: Aug 2011
ninebark
♀ Member
Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very civil with my ex, but I don't wish him happy birthday. I leave that up to DS. I would rather say nothing than lie. lol


BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't send her any messages. Civil doesn't mean reaching out. You can be NC and civil.

My mantra (pronouns changed):
She is no longer my wife, no longer my love, no longer my best friend.
Repeat until it sticks.


One day you won't care. Until then Fake It Till You Make It.

Read and re-read about the 180 and No Contact.

It is hard at first but NC is essential. Kids/finances only and even then I will only interact if it is absolutely essential.

You simply cannot heal until you begin detaching.

With NC at first you do it almost against your will - everything in you is screaming to reach out and/or unleash hell on them. Sheer willpower got me through that first month. Anger through the next few. A year after S and my give a fuck is definitely broken.

Please, don't stay in this limbo hell too long. It is crazy making.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
♂ Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it. If partying with her friends is her priority, then she can be happy with birthday wishes from them. She fired you from the job of remembering special days together.

The sad news is that partying with her friends is exactly what she wants, so her birthday probably won't suck - this year.

When she is older, and is wondering why her kids don't give a shit about her: THAT is when she'll get the birthday she deserves! You, on the other hand, will probably have a hard time on your first birthday without her, but will always have the love and respect of your children.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1723 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do not send her a bday wish. Instead, help your kids either buy or make cards or presents to give to her. If the kids want to make her a cake, then let them (assuming that are not toddlers -- toddlers = no cake), but do not suggest it.

Take this opportunity to teach your kids to be nice family member/friend on someones birthday. But YOUR obligation to your X is over. Done. Kaput.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't do it. If partying with her friends is her priority, then she can be happy with birthday wishes from them. She fired you from the job of remembering special days together.
^^^This!! Don't send the text, it's not your job anymore. if she calls to talk to the kids you can remind them to tell her Happy birthday but if she chooses not to call or come by then it's on her.

Her complaining is her way of keeping you engaged. don't listen to that anymore either. Focus on your children and yourself and detach as best you can.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1840 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Running the Race
♂ Member
Member # 19755
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I did have my kids already make homemade cards for her. Obviously I will not be getting her a card or anything from me.
I'm kind of struggling with NC. I do very well not talking to her during the day/weekend or anything.
What makes the situation difficult is having kids. I see her 3 or 4 times a week when she picks them up. This makes it difficult to have pure NC.
I keep the conversation to a min. It just kind of hurts and is difficult because that isn't me. I tend to ask people how their day was, etc..
I understand about not texting her "Happy Bday.". It just seems strange not to. It seems like by not doing it, I'm telling her that I'm mad at her, doing it makes it seem like I don't really care and am just doing the bare min.
I won't say itís not a big deal, it just feels weird not to politely text it, just to be civil.
I appreciate the responses, I can already see that this will be a difficult weekend coming up. I still hope her Bday falls flat, but even if it did, I wouldn't hear or know about it.


BS-Me (38)
FWW-(37)
3 Kids-
2009-She wants divorce
2009-2012 trying to R
2012-she wants a divorce again
2012-we are divorced
2013- trying MC to work it out, she does show some remorse, but I can't trust here anymore
2013- she moved out,

Posts: 138 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: California
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been civil thus far but only because I am afraid of her losing it completely and losing her job. I don't care if she is a homeless person in the future but for now I need her half of the mortgage. Once I get rid of the house and this divorce is final I'm changing my number.

I don't know how you guys with children do it. It is hard. So hard. But to have kids involved and to have to co parent.......I admire your strength.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex didn't acknowledge my birthday when he dropped the kids off and I have no intention acknowledging his, ever.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have the kids make cards for their dad. That's as far as I am willing to go.

He doesn't have the kids make cards for me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9319 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not acknowledge the Gnat's birthday in any way. He was in Europe with Hello Kitty the slut version.

I doubt he will acknowledge mine either and I don't care.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 824 | Registered: Mar 2013
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would ask does she go out of her way to say "Happy Birthday" to you? If so then I can understand if you each still do a courtesy exchange of good wishes at that time.

If you however feel the need and worry if she will be "mad" then I would say you still have alot of work to do to really detach from this person. JMO.


Posts: 5613 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

RtR,

The old saw 'if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all' is a good rule here. Because you have children, you must, from time to time, be in contact. So, do whatever is necessary for the good of your kids and not anything else.

Remain both civil but detached from her, as you would a business or professional relationship.

Early in my separation, I sent my ex holiday cards, messages and even a Christmas gift. It was a complete waste of time and emotion.

Give her the gift of missing you.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's very nice to have the kids make cards, but that is really for them - because they love their parents, because it's good for them to learn how to acknowledge others. Do you really care if she has a happy birthday? NC is about detaching and indifference.

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2005
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, September 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being civil doesn't mean you have to tell her to have a happy birthday. Don't do it. It looks pathetic.

I received a "happy birthday" text from XWH while I was at work, and we were all like AYFKM?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3208 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 16

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