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User Topic: Can't decide if I want to have children,
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent most of my life thinking I didn't want kids. I didn't have a great maternal example, so I thought I'd be horrible at it.

I saw my niece born. I was the first person to ever see her face and that changed me. I started wanting to have a child that day.

Due to fertility issues, I gave up trying after about a year and thought I'd never have kids. Four months after THAT, I was at the Dr. for something unrelated and I was complaining about breast tenderness. So, I found out I was about four months pregnant.

I think I surprised everyone, including myself, with my abilities as a mom. I now have a wonderful fourteen year old daughter.

It really IS an individual thing and sometimes we aren't as 'in control' of the decision as we think, as my story illustrates.


Posts: 10976 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: North Carolina
vtach
♀ Member
Member # 27639
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always knew I wanted children. This is the one regret for me. I sacrificed something that was dearly important to me to be with someone that did not have the same hopes. Luckily, I have many kids to love and nurture but it is not the same. Yes, I do regret not being more proactive and "selfish".


me 48
wh 63
1st DD Thanksgiving day 2009
2nd DD 12/27
3rd DD 3/5/10

We are a work in progress...

Tho I'm fully aware, of your desperate despair, I'm still charmed by the words that you say...Jaron and the Long Road to Love


Posts: 2049 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: alabama
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew from a very early age, I didn't want kids. I love them...I think they are a true gift but I also knew I wouldn't be a great mom.

I was also very lucky when MH and I started getting serious and the subject of kids came up. He didn't want any either. Sealed the deal for me...lol!!!

Anyone can be a mediocre parent...but if I wasn't going to be a great parent, then I wasn't going to have any.

Our nephews and nieces are a joy for us, we love them and are actively involved in their lives. Besides, we just happen to be the coolest Aunt and Uncle around


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192147 | Registered: May 2002
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 41 and do not have children. I knew from a very early age that I DIDN'T want children, and I never attempted to try.

As someone said earlier, some women do not have a maternal instinct, and I'm one of them. I also have some very bad family genetics (a lot of mental and physical issues) that I decided wouldn't be right to pass on to a future generation. I actually decided that the kindest thing I could do for my future children was not to bring them into the world at all, if that makes sense.

I have no regrets.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
lynnm1947
♀ Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't want to have kids when I first got married. When I was almost 30, my XH and I had a chat and decided I'd go off the pill. If I got pregnant, it was "meant to be"; if not, well, no harm done! I got pregnant a few months later, had my son and then wham1 bam! sixteen months later had my daughter It was crazyville around my house for years. Once I had them, I couldn't imagine being without them. But I also know that if I hadn't had kids, I would have been OK.

Now my son has presented me with two adorable granddaughters. Ya can't have GD without having the kids! LOL. And having grandkids is amazing.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 2:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 6937 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
namaste32
♀ Member
Member # 32848
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew from very early on that I wanted kids. We have 3 and want one more. But I do think its ok not to have any,if a person is not a hundred precent sure. I see too many,when I think they really shouldnt have any,....its a lots of work,so much responsibility,and of course much joy. But the minute you have them ,you have to be able to put your life on hold. Not everybody can. And thats a problem. Good luck with whatever you decide,...

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2011
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say I love the openness here, and the theme developing that even some happy parents believe that they would have been ok had their lives taken a different path.

As for me I was a newly married college student when I discovered my husband was cheating and shortly after that, that I was pregnant. I had never even thought about children. I was in college and had just left my parents' house! It was the farthest thing from my mind. I would say that I was not maternal and the news that I was pregnant was something of a sucker punch. The divorce that happened while I was pregnant didn't help.

I have to admit that I considered termination and ultimately just left the decision until it was no longer an option. So understand that being pregnant was not something that made me feel joyful and womanly and nesty. My son was born and I didn't immediately feel that whoosh of love and I got very scared that I wasn't capable of being a mother. A few days later I looked down into his face and the whoosh of love came, unexpectedly, and I cried and cried and will be forever grateful for that. I was not maternal, but he tugged at my heart until it was his. I bonded fiercely with my son after that, but never even thought about having another until I met my husband and had another person's beliefs to consider and respect. I honestly believed at the time that it was just my particular son that I loved so fiercely, not "children" in general.

In a way I'm glad I got pregnant unexpectedly the first time. I don't think I would have made that choice, and like you I would probably have been torn at the 50/50 mark, just waiting to see if I tipped either way. It's sometimes a blessing when the decision is taken out of our hands, because at least then our choice is more immediate and clear.

[This message edited by circe at 9:06 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 3138 | Registered: Mar 2005
Weatherly
♀ Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never planned on kids, and growing up the oldest of 10, nobody could understand this. I think saying the oldest of 10 explains everything.And, I've been told many times, I'm not very maternal, so, I didn't even think I'd be a good mom.

My oldest was a complete shock. I was only 18 when I had him. Then, I didn't really want him to be an only child, so, about 2 yrs later, we had our next son. Then, I got my tubes tied.

My oldest is almost 10, his brother is 8. I love them very much, and am glad I have them and I even think I've grown into a pretty decent mom. But, I don't think i'd have regretted it if I hadn't had kids. And, even now, there are lots of days I tell myself "ten more years and I get a quiet house again. I can just pack up and move if I want to." And, now that I'm remarried to someone without his own children, I get lots of questions about when we're going to have one. He's the youngest of 6 and quite content not to have any and I don't wan to start over.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4440 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
amitheow
♀ Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to say I don't think I am maternal either and I said earlier in this thread I was raising my brothers and sister when I was a kid.

But I am a FABULOUS Dog mom ... so maybe I would be a good people mom, I just don't want to do it. The dog is enough responsibility. I have to take her to the doctor .. she gets up early and has to go out. She is just like a kid ...


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5077 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
Thistles
♀ Member
Member # 18970
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please make sure you ask an elderly person or 2 that never had children if they have any regrets. Maybe even someone that has lost their life long partner. The answers will be different.


Me-BS-52
Him-FWS 51
M-25 yrs
D-Day Mar 26,2008
NC phone call Aug 2
Reconciling not working out
Had him move out 6-1-11
Divorce final 1/4/13

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Maryland
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please make sure you ask an elderly person or 2 that never had children if they have any regrets.

Having children is NO guarantee that you won't end up alone and neglected in a nursing home somewhere. Trust me on this. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have adult children that are willing to look after their parents when they get to that point.

I am not afraid of being alone in my old age. And I've prepared myself for the future since I know I'm going to have only myself to depend on (that is, if I outlive my husband, and there's no guarantee that I will since he's in better overall health).

I refuse to be made to feel guilty in ANY respect because I've made the choice I have. Not everyone wants kids, or is fit to have kids, or is fit to RAISE kids. And it sure isn't a guarantee that they'll take care of you later in life. Want proof? Look at all of the abandoned, lonely, neglected people in long-term care facilities.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have 3 children. 12, 9 and 4. I can see the benefit of being childfree. My sister's a few years older then me and doesn't have kids, she LOVES it. She says she gets to be the fun aunt and then goes home to peace and quiet! However, I knew I wanted to be a mommy and would be devastated if I couldn't have kids. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being childless - not everyone wants to be a parent and that's okay. As long as it's not a sacrifice you're making for someone else, because then I can see feeling resent and regret.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 277 | Registered: Aug 2013
Thistles
♀ Member
Member # 18970
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry I sparked such outrage Fireball72. Wasn't intended at all.
Maybe elderly wasn't the right word but I was referring to people in the 75-85 age group. I honestly think it was more about the connection than anything else. There really is nothing else like it.
I wasn't crazy about the idea of having kids either and one came along just before I turned 39......


Me-BS-52
Him-FWS 51
M-25 yrs
D-Day Mar 26,2008
NC phone call Aug 2
Reconciling not working out
Had him move out 6-1-11
Divorce final 1/4/13

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Maryland
Fireball72
♀ Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No offense taken, Thistles. As a matter of fact, I apologize for sounding a little harsh there. It's a sensitive subject with me, because I used to volunteer at a local nursing home and I'd visit with so many elderly people whose kids just put them in there and forgot all about them. It makes me so mad and upset because they were so lonely and hurt by their kids' actions.

No one wants to be in that position, you know?

This is why it's so important for everyone to have some kind of long-term care plan, both financial and social. Because you just never know what's going to happen down the line.

No hard feelings, I hope.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Thistles
♀ Member
Member # 18970
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

None whatsoever
I probably thought you got hounded to death about not having kids because I know I did. I just started telling people I couldn't have them. That usually ended the conversation right there.....


Me-BS-52
Him-FWS 51
M-25 yrs
D-Day Mar 26,2008
NC phone call Aug 2
Reconciling not working out
Had him move out 6-1-11
Divorce final 1/4/13

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: Maryland
amitheow
♀ Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fireball and Thistles ... this is why we dote on our nephews. THEY will take care of us when we get old ... we'll leave them all our riches.


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5077 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
stupidgurl
♀ Member
Member # 36763
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am right there with you Audrina, I have two children already, both sons, I love them to death, I protect them with the fierceness of a momma bear.
My big dream was to have 4 kids, 2 sons and 2 daughters. I shared this with my H, he chose to have a vasectomy and tell me with certainty it was reversible. Well two reversal surgeries, and thousands of dollars later, we have no chances of having kids together.

I often think about the fact that I could have kids without him, I think that was one of the motivating factors in my A, to see if I could get pregnant. I hate that the choice was made for me. I wanted more, he didn't he decided then not to have any more, but later changed his mind. He was only 20 when he had his vasectomy!

Sorry to rant on, but if you want kids have them, don't let your life pass by and wish you had, you have the power to do it now. I had the power to say no but was lied to. Vasectomies cannot be reversed, and time cannot be reversed.

My two kids are the best things in my life, the look in their eyes when they look at me, and the love I have for them is immense. I have no other experience to compare it to except for the love for my very own mother, or the love I had for my husband in the beginning of our relationship, pre-EA, imagine that, never going away.

Make the best choice for you, if you are not cut out, then don't do it, if you have the desire then go for it.


me WW-31
him BH- 31

2002/3 (him) EA

PA(me)-Nov 2007

R


Posts: 107 | Registered: Sep 2012
Too_Trusting
♀ Member
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am 56 y/o and childless by choice. I just never felt that "burning desire" to have children, and I felt like one should have that strong desire to have children. IMO, children are a big responsibility that should be desired. As long as I was ambivalent about kids, I thought it would be a disservice TO the child to have an ambivalent parent. Not saying that my thoughts wouldn't have changed if I HAD a child; just that the desire just wasn't there.

I have zero regrets. Some people just aren't meant to have children. I think I'm one of them. But, it's a very personal decision. I was never even 50/50.


"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2369 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't too much into kids until I hit around the age of 23...I was really happy having my own life, riding motorcycles, taking vacations, coming and going as I pleased...being able to save money and I had a great figure!!! I knew having children would change all that!

But when I hit mid-20's, I did decide I wanted kids and it was a strong feeling for me. I'm a very nurturing person (even though I'm very independent) and I wanted a family.

I LOVED being the mom of young children...they are so loving and I never had any trouble dealing with temper tantrums, busy 2 year olds, sibling rivalry, etc.... I found I didn't really miss my motorcycle or going to parties or care-free vacations, and I also learned I had great patience with my kids and found parts of myself that I didn't know existed. However, having children also opened up a vulnerability in me that I didn't know existed either. I'm a pretty strong, brave person but when you have kids, you have a weakness that other people can manipulate. I ended up having my 4th child by a sociopath and he has used her against me her entire 15 years. I am looking forward to her 18th birthday so at least he cannot manipulate through the court system any longer.

You can't go into having children with any preconceived notions, because there are no warranties and no guarantees. It isn't for the faint of heart.

I've seen the term selfish used on this thread. It is NOT selfish to not want children. It is selfish to have children to use for your own purpose. It is mature and courageous to make whatever decision you make and stick by it no matter what other people say....

Having kids because you think there will be someone around to take care of you in old age, or because you want someone to hang with when they get older, or because you want them to have babies so you can be a grandparent, or because you dream of being the parent of the captain of the football team or America's Next Top Model....those are bad reasons to have children because you can't control what a child is going to do when they grow up. They are going to be what they are going to be and you have to accept it.

These are all things to consider....do you have it in you to give up any preconceived notions and selflessly nurture and raise your child and then set them free and hope for the best? Or will you regret never having had that experience?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 14918 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:16 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was ambivalent, then I wanted kids and got married, but after being married to my X I got ambivalent again. I never felt like he would support me as a mother in an emotional way and we weren't all that financially stable until I was in my 40s and it was too late.

I am a very mothery nurturing type of person. I have a holistic health practice and I love my clients. I work with mostly adults but also have babies and kids as clients.

Do I regret not having kids? Sure, I know I would have made a great mother, and I think I would have really enjoyed having that kind of relationship.

But it just wasn't meant to be. It just didn't happen. Now and then I feel sad but it passes. You just can't do everything in life.


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
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