In the end it was all my fault too. I wasn't 'invested' enough in R and he had a huge issue with the fact that I didn't believe him. The fact that I didn't believe this cheating liar meant that I did not love him. If I loved him I would trust him.
That didn't work out so well for me before DD - it was not going to fly after DD. Only an idiot would expect that that model was ever going to work - especially only a mere 3m into R (5m after DD).
I loved him for far longer than I believed or trusted him. That is pretty messed up - its my shit I need to deal with.
I posted the Final S email exchange a little while ago. I find it shocking to read now with my rose-coloured glasses ground into dust. At the time I was so full of self-doubt. Now his complete lack of remorse sticks out like dogs balls. Its so obvious I could scream!
Despite the pretty words he spun it is clear that NONE of this are the actions of someone with True Remorse.
The events immediately after S confirmed I was right to not believe a single word out of his mouth.
Please know you're not alone. Most, if not all, False R's fall over in much the same fashion. My own False R only lasted 3m. That was the sum total of his "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes". I can laugh now but it hurt like a motherfucker in the early days.
Interestingly it took me several months after S to admit to myself that this was in fact just a dealbreaker. Had he continued to feign remorse I have no doubt I would still be in False R today. I would still be rugsweeping furiously and gaslighting the fuck out of myself.
In the end his patent lack of remorse was a gift. Had he not forced my hand I'd be subjecting myself to months, probably years more of False R. All the while denying that not only was the betrayal a dealbreaker but that he and I as individuals were simply just not built for R even if he did have True Remorse and even if it wasn't a dealbreaker for me.
I used to read the Wayward forum a lot in the early days. There are some great examples of Remorseful Waywards who were and still are a great inspiration to me - people owning their shit, carrying their own water and doing the work on themselves and their M the healthy way.
I knew that if the sad clown posted his drivel over there they would call him on his bullshit immediately and tear him a new one.
Wayward or Betrayed and everything in between I believe there is a point on this journey where we need to shine to torch on ourselves too. For the shit we put up with, for our toxic coping mechanisms. We all have them. Some of us just happen to not have cheating on our list of toxic coping mechanisms. There are many other death blows to marriages but cheating seems to be the quickest, most painful get of jail free card going.
I know you're confused and hurting. I'm wincing at the memory of that hideous time. I felt I would die of heartbreak - I really did. Here I am over a year out from S and 18m out from DD and my life is fuller, richer, happier and more complete than I could ever have imagined. I am actually having the life I pretended to have during my M. I'm wildly alive.