What concerns me is you doubting yourself. Listen to me... YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE A, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IT. I know that when you hear of the "emotional" connection the WS "thinks" they had during their love A is a load of CRAP. It's fantasy, it's NOT real. What you have with him is real, it's the day to day, bills, kids, stresses, etc. So PLEASE never feel like you weren't enough, she's his soulmate, etc. That type of negative self-talk will just make you sick. If you're not in MC, get in! The therapist will explain to you what he needs to do and be tolerant of your roller coaster ride. Take the ride, don't rush it. Feel it, understand it, but after that, HE NEEDS TO GET IT. hugs.....
"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth.
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
I haven't been on SI in a while. I came to send someone a PM and saw your post and had to respond.
I understand your pain and can feel it through your post.
I can only speak from where I come, so take this for what it's worth, MO...
Your husband is broken and in his broken-ness he found another broken person to connect with. This isn't fate, it certainly is not a soul mate connection.
The emotional part of an affair is fantasy, built upon lies told to each other and themselves,period. If your husband hasn't gotten to the point where his actions and feelings during the A have disgusted him, made him ashamed and sick to his stomach...he hasn't gotten there yet.
Your dday is such a short time ago. R doesn't begin after dday, it can't. The weeks and sometimes months after dday you are in shock and damage control. Your world is out of control and you take whatever hope you can and hang onto it.
Now hope, hope is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but you need to keep hope in your pocket and go forward with actions. You and he both need to get healthy, the only way R can become an option, a healthy no back and forth in and out of R option, is if you are both emotionally healthy.
It takes a long, long time.When the two of you have made progress as individuals then you can come together as a couple and deal with your M.
Poor guy listened to me babble and answers all if my questions for three hours this morning- and now I'm a mess again.
^^^ No, he is NOT the "poor guy here" YOU were the victim, he needs to hear you blubber from now until....until you don't need to anymore. Don't take away his responsibility to help you heal. It's a huge part of dealing with the actions and facing the shit storm he created.
He also shared with her the cause for our disconnect, which has to do with a very personal past experience of mine- pre him.
He should be turning to his wife to discuss these things, how else do they get repaired? A third party is never the answer.
She provided emotional support that I could not give because I haven't lived similar experiences.
^^ calling bullshit here. You may not know how it feels to go through the things he went through, doesn't mean you cannot be a great source of support for him...a healthy source of support.
They shared things- similar FOOs, similar upbringing, friends in common from high school, ambitions and philosophies on careers, an interest in similar fields, long lost half families, etc.
^^ I have many FOO issues and so do a lot of people I know. I can share my experiences with people without crossing a line and definitely without having an A with them.
Your husband needs to do some heavy lifting and you need to let him do it. He needs to understand this pain he caused and you need to walk through the pain...again, it takes a long time. There will be good and bad times through R, but going through this experience only makes you come out stronger in the end...R or D...when you both do it from a healthy place.
I wish you strength going forward, it takes a lot of work to get into IC and see places where you need to fix the emotional pieces, but it is so worth it.
YOU are the only person you have in this life to count on and YOU are the only person you can control.I hope you can realize your worth and see you are not responsible for any of his actions or choices.
We had that same talk on our anniversary. It's been over a year now. I still wonder if they shouldn't be together.
What you are losing sight of here is that he had no right to venture to find this out. I am sure that there are many men out there with whom you can relate to. But, once your married you can't go that deep with anyone else. You know that it's called boundaries. Your husband is by no means a "poor guy [who] listened to [you] babble" about this. He caused this regardless of the circumstance.
Anyway this is what I have realized and come to grips with over the past year and a half.
Good to see you karmahappens....one of my favorite SI members.
Wondertwin....you might be too close to DD, your own FOO issues may still be front and center. So you may read karmas post, agree with some of it, but then think "yeah, but my sitch is different, so that does not work with me.".
That's cool.....I did the same thing. Rest assured karma speaks from hard earned wisdom....as do other posters to this thread.
Soulmate, connection, "so this is what I am missing"....all a real part if affairs....but those feelings are based on lies....so feelings are real, but the source creating them is false.
It appears many FOO issues are a reaction to fear of being hurt and rejected. Affairs by there nature are much more immune from that rejection. First, each member of the affair, through their actions, show clearly to the other that they are committed to them. They are lying to everyone, risking their family, sacrificing their soul to keep their relationship with each other alive. Talk about a sense of commitment!
Second, both people in an affair have something to loose if they are discovered. There is greatly reduced risk that either participant will stray. Another layer of safety.
What this playground affords to both participants is as safe an environment as someone can have.....allows FOO issues to almost become a non-player. How refreshing that feeling must be.....totally get the temptation sand addiction.
In my case fear re-entered my wife's AP's life when I confronted him. The "oh shit....we are found out!" Moment. At that point his fantasy ended....and he immediately dropped my wife. Think soul mates would do that to each other?
Wisdom from pain is how I got this narrative together.
The key to a healthy marriage is to create a healthy relationship built on truths and openness..and experience those same feelings that as felt inside adultery....so that the connection can't dissolve when a person shows up on your front porch! KWIM?
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]
Being honest is the start of your H's and your M's healing. Without it, he's not a candidate for R, and R is impossible.
If he's not talking about leaving, I suspect he realizes that the emotional aspect of the A was a fantasy.
I know I wanted a partner who was way different from me and whose background was way different from mine (except WRT religion and politics ). The sameness can be attractive, but it gets boring pretty quickly.
You say you couldn't give a type of emotional support. I'd bet instead that your H never gave you a real chance to give him the support he needs. His side of the disconnect came because he couldn't or wouldn't talk with you directly, not because of any failing in you.
Two months out you're probably still in shock. My memory is conflicting emotions, too, and they all were horrible.
Answering questions for 3 hours is not easy for a WS to do. The fact that he did it is very positive for R. The fact that the answers caused you pain at this point is also a good sign - the pain you feel is like your body expelling poison. The up and down roller coaster usually lasts longer than 2 months.
If you both continue to communicate and be honest, I'd bet a whole lot that your H will see that any relationship based on dishonesty is false, and the 'love' he felt was false. Staying honest will allow you both to determine what you really want, and if you both really want R, honesty will allow you to reconnect, to get and give love, and to R.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:37 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]
How nice to hear that he gets that!
Keep positive... This rollercoaster ride isn't over yet! I'm glad that you survived one of those quick nasty dips and are heading up again. Be good to yourself. Keep talking. Look at your progress overall and don't try to get mired in the day-to-day shortfalls. (It would be great if I could heed my own advice. )
Best of luck to you. Wishing you strength and peace.
When you have this thought, remember:
but because maybe he fell in love with someone else
Love is never based on:
--Lies, deceit, sneaking around, or hurting others.
SO, no....Your husband did not "fall in love with someone else." He made the choice to engage in an adulterous sexual affair...which had nothing to do with "love."
I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.
I say to the best of his ability because he is very close to his A, and his fog hasn't completely lifted yet.
As time goes on, and if he continues to be honest with himself, he will realize that they were trying to find things in common, and he was giving her a lot of leeway in order to have that commonality.
Years from now, when he looks back on his A, and OW, he will cringe, realizing how much the fooled and coddled each other in order to create an atmosphere where the A could grow.
Try to remember their commonality was a farce, and that you can't build a future on things that weren't shared together. Meaning that your 15 years with him holds a lot more weight than their fantasy pasts ever will.
Initially he was very defensive and evaded my questions and I could feel myself getting very angry; as we are physically separated I had sent him a text asking if he was available and willing to talk because I had some less than pleasant questions to ask him and he agreed to talk anyway, so his resistance was highly frustrating. However, I stood my ground, refused to argue, and said my piece.
What I intended to be a 10-15 minute conversation turned into 3 hours. I know we have a LOT of work to do before I will even think about coming home, it felt good to finally be able to speak my mind (mostly) uninterrupted and challenging some of the statements he's been trying to get me to believe for so long. I still don't know what the cards hold for us, but at least for me it was a step in the right direction and slowly but surely my confidence is coming back. Part of me feels bad because he says he feels like he's lost me for good, but the other part of me is glad in a sense to hear him say that because at least he finally seems to realize that his actions have consequences.
I feel your conflict with the OW providing emotional support. My WH told me this good friend of his is nothing more and that nothing has ever happened between them, and I'm just going to have to take his word on it because I have no proof otherwise. However, his explanation for sharing stuff with her that he doesn't tell me was that he doesn't want me to see him vulnerable because he thinks it makes him look weak. Still not sure if I believe it but again all I can do is work with the info I'm given and focus on me and this upcoming baby. I say all this to say that at this point no one expects us to have it all together; there are so many emotions to process and I know it's going to take a long time to heal. This site has definitely been the sound board I need.
You hit many points that I have to agree with. While I don't have a big 'secret' that I've been hiding, one topic that keeps coming up is my fear of physical intimacy. I have a hard time feeling connected for reasons I have yet to discover, yet without these bonds sex is meaningless and not enjoyable for me. Because my WH is a very physical person, this has been a source of conflict for years. While it doesn't excuse his behavior, I am coming to terms with his expressed frustrations.
Listening to one another was very difficult, and I almost gave up talking because he kept interrupting and I had to keep asking him to let me finish. When we finally reached a point where we were patient and let the other say their piece before interjecting it was incredible to me to see how much easier it was to accept and process what was being discussed. We are both seeing MC's individually due to the separation but it has been encouraging to see that he appears to now be taking this whole process more seriously and learning more about himself and his triggers. I hope to be able to do the same as time progresses.
For those of you who have physically separated and R, can you tell me more about how you were able to grow as a couple and heal in spite of the distance? Eventually if we decide to R I would like for us to go to counseling together but I don't want to move back into the house until I feel more secure that it is truly possible. Being that he is in AL and I'm in DE, I don't know how this is possible.