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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Holy conflicted emotions Batman!
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to talk with him. Not using the site, but steps and tips I learned from the site. It was amazing- I asked all of my questions and he assured them so openly. We even hated pent up feelings from pre A that contributes to our disconnect.
Unfortunately- one of my questions has to do with the emotional part of the A. I felt great right after our talk and now- after processing all that we said I am a bigger mess than before.
He describes how they connected and what she provided. They shared things- similar FOOs, similar upbringing, friends in common from high school, ambitions and philosophies on careers, an interest in similar fields, long lost half families, etc.
She provided emotional support that I could not give because I haven't lived similar experiences. He also shared with her the cause for our disconnect, which has to do with a very personal past experience of mine- pre him.
At this point- I went from yay we talked! To "oh sh!t-" is she his long lost soulmate?!?!? Should he not have married me? Am I just not what he needs? After 15 years this is a hard concept to grasp. He has been a middle WH- phenomenally so- but now I have this monster to deal with.
This hurts so bad. I hate going through all of this.
Poor guy listened to me babble and answers all if my questions for three hours this morning- and now I'm a mess again.
I want to not be doing any of this anymore. Everytime I think we've crested a hill, there is another one right there. I love him so much... All I know is that I am trying but this just hurts. Maye some things just can't be ffixed. This is the first time I have felt this since Dday. Not because I don't want to be here or try- but because maybe he fell in love with someone else


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the typos- my phone is autocorrect ing me again. He has been a model WH, answered my questions and we talked about past pent up feelings- sorry!


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can certainly relate to "mixed emotions" after listening to more of the truth. This is VERY early in this process, you do know that this can take years to truly process through? Some people try to rush it, this is not something that is going to be rushed. You are going to love him to death one minute and want to slit his throat the next. This IS normal for you to feel this way, we ALL are.

What concerns me is you doubting yourself. Listen to me... YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE A, THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR IT. I know that when you hear of the "emotional" connection the WS "thinks" they had during their love A is a load of CRAP. It's fantasy, it's NOT real. What you have with him is real, it's the day to day, bills, kids, stresses, etc. So PLEASE never feel like you weren't enough, she's his soulmate, etc. That type of negative self-talk will just make you sick. If you're not in MC, get in! The therapist will explain to you what he needs to do and be tolerant of your roller coaster ride. Take the ride, don't rush it. Feel it, understand it, but after that, HE NEEDS TO GET IT. hugs.....


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Marathonwaseasy
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a fantasy lived out by the immature. It's not real. How can it be? There's no cleaning toilets in an A. Soulmate. FFS I got all that from AP. And I told her she sounded about 15 which she didn't like but I stand by. Grow up


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Wondertwin

I haven't been on SI in a while. I came to send someone a PM and saw your post and had to respond.

I understand your pain and can feel it through your post.

I can only speak from where I come, so take this for what it's worth, MO...

Your husband is broken and in his broken-ness he found another broken person to connect with. This isn't fate, it certainly is not a soul mate connection.

The emotional part of an affair is fantasy, built upon lies told to each other and themselves,period. If your husband hasn't gotten to the point where his actions and feelings during the A have disgusted him, made him ashamed and sick to his stomach...he hasn't gotten there yet.

Your dday is such a short time ago. R doesn't begin after dday, it can't. The weeks and sometimes months after dday you are in shock and damage control. Your world is out of control and you take whatever hope you can and hang onto it.

Now hope, hope is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but you need to keep hope in your pocket and go forward with actions. You and he both need to get healthy, the only way R can become an option, a healthy no back and forth in and out of R option, is if you are both emotionally healthy.

It takes a long, long time.When the two of you have made progress as individuals then you can come together as a couple and deal with your M.

Poor guy listened to me babble and answers all if my questions for three hours this morning- and now I'm a mess again.

^^^ No, he is NOT the "poor guy here" YOU were the victim, he needs to hear you blubber from now until....until you don't need to anymore. Don't take away his responsibility to help you heal. It's a huge part of dealing with the actions and facing the shit storm he created.

He also shared with her the cause for our disconnect, which has to do with a very personal past experience of mine- pre him.

He should be turning to his wife to discuss these things, how else do they get repaired? A third party is never the answer.

She provided emotional support that I could not give because I haven't lived similar experiences.

^^ calling bullshit here. You may not know how it feels to go through the things he went through, doesn't mean you cannot be a great source of support for him...a healthy source of support.

They shared things- similar FOOs, similar upbringing, friends in common from high school, ambitions and philosophies on careers, an interest in similar fields, long lost half families, etc.

^^ I have many FOO issues and so do a lot of people I know. I can share my experiences with people without crossing a line and definitely without having an A with them.

Your husband needs to do some heavy lifting and you need to let him do it. He needs to understand this pain he caused and you need to walk through the pain...again, it takes a long time. There will be good and bad times through R, but going through this experience only makes you come out stronger in the end...R or D...when you both do it from a healthy place.

I wish you strength going forward, it takes a lot of work to get into IC and see places where you need to fix the emotional pieces, but it is so worth it.

YOU are the only person you have in this life to count on and YOU are the only person you can control.I hope you can realize your worth and see you are not responsible for any of his actions or choices.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3774 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Wondertwin, I could have written the same thread. It still haunts me. I knew her before he knew her and I realized even then that they were so much alike.

We had that same talk on our anniversary. It's been over a year now. I still wonder if they shouldn't be together.

What you are losing sight of here is that he had no right to venture to find this out. I am sure that there are many men out there with whom you can relate to. But, once your married you can't go that deep with anyone else. You know that it's called boundaries. Your husband is by no means a "poor guy [who] listened to [you] babble" about this. He caused this regardless of the circumstance.

Anyway this is what I have realized and come to grips with over the past year and a half.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What karmahappens said times 100.


Good to see you karmahappens....one of my favorite SI members.

Wondertwin....you might be too close to DD, your own FOO issues may still be front and center. So you may read karmas post, agree with some of it, but then think "yeah, but my sitch is different, so that does not work with me.".

That's cool.....I did the same thing. Rest assured karma speaks from hard earned wisdom....as do other posters to this thread.


Soulmate, connection, "so this is what I am missing"....all a real part if affairs....but those feelings are based on lies....so feelings are real, but the source creating them is false.


It appears many FOO issues are a reaction to fear of being hurt and rejected. Affairs by there nature are much more immune from that rejection. First, each member of the affair, through their actions, show clearly to the other that they are committed to them. They are lying to everyone, risking their family, sacrificing their soul to keep their relationship with each other alive. Talk about a sense of commitment!

Second, both people in an affair have something to loose if they are discovered. There is greatly reduced risk that either participant will stray. Another layer of safety.

What this playground affords to both participants is as safe an environment as someone can have.....allows FOO issues to almost become a non-player. How refreshing that feeling must be.....totally get the temptation sand addiction.


In my case fear re-entered my wife's AP's life when I confronted him. The "oh shit....we are found out!" Moment. At that point his fantasy ended....and he immediately dropped my wife. Think soul mates would do that to each other?

Wisdom from pain is how I got this narrative together.

The key to a healthy marriage is to create a healthy relationship built on truths and openness..and experience those same feelings that as felt inside adultery....so that the connection can't dissolve when a person shows up on your front porch! KWIM?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:23 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I zero in on a different part of your post - that you asked, and he answered questions with honesty.

Being honest is the start of your H's and your M's healing. Without it, he's not a candidate for R, and R is impossible.

If he's not talking about leaving, I suspect he realizes that the emotional aspect of the A was a fantasy.

I know I wanted a partner who was way different from me and whose background was way different from mine (except WRT religion and politics ). The sameness can be attractive, but it gets boring pretty quickly.

You say you couldn't give a type of emotional support. I'd bet instead that your H never gave you a real chance to give him the support he needs. His side of the disconnect came because he couldn't or wouldn't talk with you directly, not because of any failing in you.

Two months out you're probably still in shock. My memory is conflicting emotions, too, and they all were horrible.

Answering questions for 3 hours is not easy for a WS to do. The fact that he did it is very positive for R. The fact that the answers caused you pain at this point is also a good sign - the pain you feel is like your body expelling poison. The up and down roller coaster usually lasts longer than 2 months.

If you both continue to communicate and be honest, I'd bet a whole lot that your H will see that any relationship based on dishonesty is false, and the 'love' he felt was false. Staying honest will allow you both to determine what you really want, and if you both really want R, honesty will allow you to reconnect, to get and give love, and to R.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:37 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much to all of you. Everything you have said hits home and means so much.
I am proud of myself. After the post, I immediately went and asked him more questions and shared my fears- and he shared his own pain and guilt. So much was hard for him to say to me, but he really did answer all of my questions. after another two hours of him opening up, I feel stable again. At this moment I feel strong and I feel like we are meant to be doing this. We have talked more openly in two months than in all 15 years.
Even with all of the talking and tears- today is a good day. None of the laundry got done and i have no idea whats for dinner- but it was good. One down... Countless more to go.
My love and gratitude to you all.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One final note- he did reassure me that she is in NO way his soulmate. That was good. :)


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was reading this thread and formulating my response... and then I got to the final post... and breathed a sigh of relief for you.

How nice to hear that he gets that!

Keep positive... This rollercoaster ride isn't over yet! I'm glad that you survived one of those quick nasty dips and are heading up again. Be good to yourself. Keep talking. Look at your progress overall and don't try to get mired in the day-to-day shortfalls. (It would be great if I could heed my own advice. )

Best of luck to you. Wishing you strength and peace.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin,

When you have this thought, remember:

but because maybe he fell in love with someone else

Love is never based on:
--Lies, deceit, sneaking around, or hurting others.

SO, no....Your husband did not "fall in love with someone else." He made the choice to engage in an adulterous sexual affair...which had nothing to do with "love."


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondertwin,
So glad your WH is being open, to the best of his ability.

I say to the best of his ability because he is very close to his A, and his fog hasn't completely lifted yet.

As time goes on, and if he continues to be honest with himself, he will realize that they were trying to find things in common, and he was giving her a lot of leeway in order to have that commonality.

Years from now, when he looks back on his A, and OW, he will cringe, realizing how much the fooled and coddled each other in order to create an atmosphere where the A could grow.

Try to remember their commonality was a farce, and that you can't build a future on things that weren't shared together. Meaning that your 15 years with him holds a lot more weight than their fantasy pasts ever will.

HBH


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
mellie99
♀ Member
Member # 39712
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a similar event tonight. I got to thinking that one of my biggest issues is that I've never had a chance to process everything that has happened over the years, especially this last ONS. I just needed to have him reconfirm the facts so I could make sure I fully understood all that has happened.

Initially he was very defensive and evaded my questions and I could feel myself getting very angry; as we are physically separated I had sent him a text asking if he was available and willing to talk because I had some less than pleasant questions to ask him and he agreed to talk anyway, so his resistance was highly frustrating. However, I stood my ground, refused to argue, and said my piece.

What I intended to be a 10-15 minute conversation turned into 3 hours. I know we have a LOT of work to do before I will even think about coming home, it felt good to finally be able to speak my mind (mostly) uninterrupted and challenging some of the statements he's been trying to get me to believe for so long. I still don't know what the cards hold for us, but at least for me it was a step in the right direction and slowly but surely my confidence is coming back. Part of me feels bad because he says he feels like he's lost me for good, but the other part of me is glad in a sense to hear him say that because at least he finally seems to realize that his actions have consequences.

I feel your conflict with the OW providing emotional support. My WH told me this good friend of his is nothing more and that nothing has ever happened between them, and I'm just going to have to take his word on it because I have no proof otherwise. However, his explanation for sharing stuff with her that he doesn't tell me was that he doesn't want me to see him vulnerable because he thinks it makes him look weak. Still not sure if I believe it but again all I can do is work with the info I'm given and focus on me and this upcoming baby. I say all this to say that at this point no one expects us to have it all together; there are so many emotions to process and I know it's going to take a long time to heal. This site has definitely been the sound board I need.


Me: BW (32)
Him: WS (31)-Multiple ONS
Married: 1/3/05 Together since 5/2002
D-Day #1-3/2009 (4 years after the fact)
D-Day #2 3/2013(he confessed to 3 more ONS, 1 the month I found out I was pregnant)

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mellie-
First of all- I am so sorry you are going trough this. I applaud your strength in reaching out to him and being patient and understanding to his honesty- and it may take a bit for you to truly feel he is being honest.
Me and mine have had many little talks that have turned into three hour marathons. There were some things I needed to own up to as well an it has been a healing process for both of us. I never cheated in anyway, but I did cover up some things when we first got married and they have festered (unbeknownst to me) for 15 years- because he knew I lied. I didn't think they were important- but they were important to him. My point is that sometimes it is really hard for us to really listen when they are sharing their side. Sometime I just want to scream "yah! But you cheated!!!" But I know that is not the productive thing to do. He has to process through what led him here as well. And in light of true R, I need to hear him and admit some things myself. I need to understand who he really is and how my lie changed him. He has said countless times that I am not to blame and e is the one who made these horrible choices. My lie effected him, but he was the one that made the choice to go to her instead if me. It is also difficult to learn that he was hiding this pain for soooo long and never told me. that scares me and definitely effects my ability to trust him again- aside from the affair. We are both clear on that.but, learning about who he thinks he is- not who I want him to be, is very important right now. Be patient with yourself. Do not give forgiveness or trust that you are not ready for- but listen if you feel he is being sincere.
It is a tough road, but the last few talks we have had have done amazing things for us.
Stay strong and do what you feel is right- with complete honesty.
I wish you the best in everything.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
mellie99
♀ Member
Member # 39712
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WT:

You hit many points that I have to agree with. While I don't have a big 'secret' that I've been hiding, one topic that keeps coming up is my fear of physical intimacy. I have a hard time feeling connected for reasons I have yet to discover, yet without these bonds sex is meaningless and not enjoyable for me. Because my WH is a very physical person, this has been a source of conflict for years. While it doesn't excuse his behavior, I am coming to terms with his expressed frustrations.

Listening to one another was very difficult, and I almost gave up talking because he kept interrupting and I had to keep asking him to let me finish. When we finally reached a point where we were patient and let the other say their piece before interjecting it was incredible to me to see how much easier it was to accept and process what was being discussed. We are both seeing MC's individually due to the separation but it has been encouraging to see that he appears to now be taking this whole process more seriously and learning more about himself and his triggers. I hope to be able to do the same as time progresses.

For those of you who have physically separated and R, can you tell me more about how you were able to grow as a couple and heal in spite of the distance? Eventually if we decide to R I would like for us to go to counseling together but I don't want to move back into the house until I feel more secure that it is truly possible. Being that he is in AL and I'm in DE, I don't know how this is possible.


Me: BW (32)
Him: WS (31)-Multiple ONS
Married: 1/3/05 Together since 5/2002
D-Day #1-3/2009 (4 years after the fact)
D-Day #2 3/2013(he confessed to 3 more ONS, 1 the month I found out I was pregnant)

Posts: 61 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 16

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