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Newest Member: What2do2014 (44300)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I was right all along
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasn't working an outside job, but I was in a rigorous school program. One that had me being reminded of all of the treachery that he had brought down on me (such as -- man, if marriages were under contract or tort law instead of family law, I'd have all sorts of claims against him, etc....). It was really hard to focus.

But I did it, and am STILL doing it. Through sheer force of will, spite, and stubbornness. I consciously decided that he had *taken* enough from me....he wasn't going to *take* that too. I would succeed *in spite* of him and his debauchery.

Your situation is a bit different now, though, since he has lost his job. You probably really NEED to keep your job. So compartmentalize as best as you can. Take it second by second...just get through one minute at a time. Take a couple of days off if you need to. It might also help to share what is going on with someone at work that you trust so that they have a *context* for your behavior and also act as a support for you. A kind word or just a pat on the back or arm.....

Just keep breathing. You'll get through this.

And happy birthday!

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:11 PM, October 1st (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Celticlass
♀ Member
Member # 39518
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, October 1st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gonnabe2016 took the words right out of my mouth! So I will second her assessment. The only thing that worked for me was to concentrate 100% on my job while I was there at work. The first few days were really hard, but then it quickly became my salvation. Just having a place where I had to focus on something other than the nightmare that I found myself in was so helpful.

Hang in there--focus on each task and take deep breaths; we are all rooting for you! ((( )))




Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Lone Star State
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

did you all find yourself in denial at the beginning? I was much more upset before...I think there is something wrong with me.

Yes. I think to some degree we all find ourselves in the land of denial. No way can this happen to ME. To US. This is something that happens to OTHER PEOPLE.

You are perfectly normal in feeling whatever it is your are feeling at the time.

You have been just swept up in the tsunami of infidelity. Every emotion possible will inflict itself on you. All the ugly debris will swirl around. It's one hellava storm but you can survive. You will survive because you and your daughter are MORE than their lies and betrayal.

It is hard to concentrate at work but it also provides a much need break from trying to figure all this out and thinking about the affair constantly. It provides you with an outlet and a break.

Do your best. Give what you can and try to allow yourself to gain your footing in your professional life.

Your personal life will take some time. And hard work.

Deep breaths. One step at a time.

If you WH is making comments about hurting himself then he needs IC immediately. And he should not be left alone with your daughter. This can be a cry for help and also an act of manipulation to pull the focus off the affair. Just be mindful.

We are all here. You will be okay, you will.

Many hugs and prayers.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do any of you have concrete tips for helping take the edge off the pain that you found effective? Was it distraction? Therapy? Medication?

How did you make the decision to R or divorce? Even after all he has done, I'm terrified of divorcing him and being alone, without him. It is especially hard to think about divorce when he is so apologetic and promising the sun and the moon. The only time My pain ceases for a second is when he contacts me. I apologize if I say the same things again and again.

I started therapy today and saw a lawyer.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Jesss
♀ Member
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Statistic, I feel and wonder the exact same things you're asking about... So I hope some ppl can give some advice and answers.
My WH is also being so apologetic and sweet right now. And even though when I first found out (4 weeks ago) I was sure i wanted to divorce him, I really don't want that anymore, i keep thinking, what if he is being sincere and will be the husband he is promising he'll be. At the same time, unless I'm with him or talking to him, I don't believe him and I feel so angry.
Sounds like you're feeling the same way... Just wanted you to know, I k know what you're feeling and am following your thread for some answers too.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2013
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me, walking my dogs and fighting to start enjoying my hobbies were both really helpful. I also started exercising more and found the physical activity to be helpful. I tried antidepressants but I reacted horribly to them and had to stop taking them.

I decided to divorce because after four months of absolute cruelty, of treating my like I was a yoyo (albeit with less humanity than one), I had had enough pain. I still loved her with all of my heart. I still wanted our life back. I still didn't want to be alone. I just had enough and couldn't hold onto false hope any longer.


Posts: 1576 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Distraction, therapy and meds or any combination is good...

Meds can help to take the edge off of the pain and you might find that the right antidepressant med for you ( one that works well with your body) increases your energy levels a little bit..

Therapy is a good place to vent if you have a therapist who you like going to..

Distractions are great!

For me distraction is the best tool I have going for me for taking the edge off of pain and depression....

My doggies are the sweetest most lovable funny awesome companions and they provide distraction and exercise :-)

Hanging out with my sister is something I look forward to for weeks..She moved out of town recently, but for the time being she will come in to town once a month to lead a workshop for her job..

My photography work..Shooting and editing photos distracts me enough that I sometimes forget that I need to take a meal or a bathroom break, lol

In time you will get to the point of knowing what you want to do whether it be R or divorce..

The ABILITY to carry out whatever decision you make may become the obstacle or problem to deal with as time goes by..

In the meantime, during this time of limbo that you are going thru, I would take measures to protect yourself and your child by doing the following...

Widen your social network so that you have plenty of support from family, friends who are there for you whether you R or D..

Protect your financials and separate you accounts(banking, credit) from your WH's..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:09 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I offered mc, but he said no. He said his affair partner and her husband were in counseling and look what good it did them. He said he will not run circles around me to fix it. I can file for divorce if I like.

My problem is that I assume people will behave in a certain and when they do not I am truly perplexed and paralyzed by the shock. I expected him to jump at the chance for counseling bc it meant I was willing to consider working on things. When he says no and instead gets defensive, my whole world goes to pieces and I want to reason with him because I want him to understand what we are losing and help him understand than right way to handle this. I know I am in the wrong. It's futile. But it is killing me and I want it to stop.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

By refusing counseling, he is still trying to control the situation. What happened to "I'll do whatever it takes to keep you"? That lasted 4 WHOLE days.

Take control of your life and do what you need to do. He can step up-or not. That's on him.

I found that Ativan and Anti-depressants took the edge off the pain, but it also dulled my mind. I didn't feel as though I were totally engaged with my life when I was on them.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7430 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't get how you think you are in the wrong..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were you, I would definitely work on finding a lawyer you like immediately..

Do you like the lawyer you visited with today?

Once you find the lawyer, see what you can do to legally protect yourself and kiddo in the best ways possible..

Your WH is only thinking of/ looking after himself...
The statement your WH made about not being willing to run in circles shows his lack of remorse and fogginess...

My WH made similar such remarks that showed his lack of respect and remorse for the damage he did in our M..His comments made were along these lines, "Haven't I done enough here to show you I'm sorry?" "I am not gonna kiss your ass for the rest of my life"... etc, etc..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:27 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am wrong because I expect the world to work a certain way- men don't cheat on their wives, and when they do, they busy their asses to make amends, etc. but this has not been my experience and I am stuck trying to show him how he should be responding to work this out. He doesn't want to talk saying he is tired (last night) or driving to work (this morning). As horrible as he is, I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM. But he is making it impossible to keep him. Me not wanting to lose him speaks volumes of my own self esteem and dependency, and less about him.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((statistic)))

3 months ago I was where you are. I wanted to die. I was terrified to piss of H for fear he'd go back to her. But you know what? 3 months later, my days aren't all sunshine, but, I feel better. My H has begged for ME to stay and regrets his affair. You are not the problem, you never were. It was all about him. The good people on the SI message boards have helped me to understand that affairs are selfish...and, has nothing to do with the BS. You will be okay. You'll have your moments that will trigger intense feelings (sadness, anger) but these feelings will pass and become less frequent.

I cannot tolerate knowing he held, kissed, and slept with another woman, not one considering what we would lose for his brief moments of pleasure. Thinking of the two of them together makes me sick but the image pops into my head. How could he enjoy involving himself in such destructive behavior. Why wasn't my love enough? Why wasn't I enough?

Exactly what repeated in mind everyday for over a month after his affair. BUT, I'm slowly recovering. You will be okay. You may not feel like it now, but, you will be.

Also, my husband also let me feel crazy, I would ask him, who is she? who's got you acting like this? and he would treat me like I was nuts. I know I'm rambling a bit...all this to say; you aren't alone, we've been there and we're here to help you with advice, venting etc. and, when you're ready read the healing library, post as much as you need and, if you can, getting counselling can help work through the emotions.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 9:26 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh, I see what you are saying...After you got the negative response from your WH about counseling,I thought maybe you were saying that you felt like you shouldn't have asked him to get counseling in the first place...

I think you are doing the right thing, requiring counseling(IC) as a condition for R


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1136 | Registered: Nov 2011
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In order for MC to work, you have to be in the right state of mind for it. OW and her H were in MC, but it didn't work because she was having an A! She was not focused on the M and making her relationship with her BH work. You would be wasting your time too. Your WH needs IC first to work out his own problems. Then (if he is lucky) consider MC. The way he is acting, you may not be around when he finally pulls his head out of his a**.

You are still in the very early days. You get IC for yourself, you consult with a lawyer (file if you need to), 180 him and take care of yourself. Stop offering him stuff. He doesn't want to talk? Fine--that works really well with the 180. I know this is incredibly hard, but it will make you feel better. Detach from him and give yourself some perspective. I can tell that you are a strong, smart woman. You can do this!


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1265 | Registered: Aug 2010
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But he is making it impossible to keep him. Me not wanting to lose him speaks volumes of my own self esteem and dependency, and less about him.

This is a great step forward. This is a step you can make to help yourself get emotionally stronger and healthier.

Having the rug pulled out from under you is scary. You had no voice or choice in this. He turned your world upside down and now you get to deal with the new reality.

I bet if you examine the past you will find definite red flags that were ignored. I know I did. Those were also clues to areas in myself I needed to work on.

It is encouraging to see you dealing with reality. Proceed with the lawyers. Find a shark.....since he is used to you bending over backwards for him, he will expect to be able to bully you now. Visit many lawyers...side benefit he can't use them once you see them.

This will get better and the feelings will settle down....it just takes time.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
strongerdaybyday
♀ Member
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me not wanting to lose him speaks volumes of my own self esteem and dependency, and less about him.

how i felt too...but this will also pass. there are days when I want to ring his phone off the hook until he answers (we've separated and he's living alone) my mind races wondering where he is. and then I take a step back, distract myself and let the feeling pass. Eventually, you will realize you don't need him. And really you shouldn't NEED to be with him, you should WANT to be with him. I didn't understand the difference until IC pointed it out. I was wondering, if he won't do MC, will you do IC. It may make a world of difference.


Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
children-3
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**


Posts: 380 | Registered: Aug 2013
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I fight the same urge and wonder why he doesn't seem to be rushing to call me all the time.

Today's been rough day. I can't seem to get out of bed. On a positive note, he said he would go to MC. Still, he vacillated between remorseful husband to cages and frightened animal.

Have any of you decided not to reconcile, but to just divorce? I wonder if the offense is just to much to overcome. In my case, he stopped sleeping with the ow before he found out I was pregnant bc he and the ow were afraid of losing their families and thought they pushed their luck too far. I found out soon after of their "emotional affair" and husband agreed to stop. Then ilI find out I was pregnant. He still kept in contact with her behind my back. It makes me think he loved her or had feelings so strong he did not want to let go. How can I stay with a man who had feelings for someone else while his wife is carrying his child? He said he was only in it for the sex, but if it were, why did he continue to talk to her?? I cannot wrap my brain around it. I don't want to believe it.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said he will not run circles around me to fix it. I can file for divorce if I like.

He broke it, but won't work to fix it AND you are supposed to be the one to do the work to get a divorce?

Harumpf!!!!

ETA: It takes two to reconcile. You don't have that! Neither did I and I've wasted over 5 1/2 years because of it!

[This message edited by alphakitte at 9:30 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
statistic
♀ Member
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, he said that after losing his job. Now he is singing a different toon. Did the rest of your struggle with a husband that went in and out of the fog? I've gone no contact with him.


Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching


Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
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