You really don't want to be living with this jerk. I know you love him now, but I promise you, the more he exposes who he is, the less you will feel this and one day you'll marvel that you put up with his crap. Right now it's overwhelming, and pain like you've never felt before. And you have a newborn! (WHAT.AN.ASSHOLE). But pretty soon the anger of a thousand suns will burn through you...
Not only is that not a humane thing to do, an animal wouldn't even do that to another animal .
[This message edited by mchercheur at 4:59 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]
This man who your WH is showing himself to be?..You don't want to live with somebody like that even for a short amount of time..You will feel like you have been buried alive with no way to get free...And chances are if you do allow him back or attempt R he will arrange it to be financially difficult if not impossible for you to leave...Pls see an attorney and make arrangements to protect yourself and your baby..
He just came to ask if we were going to work things out or not. I said I was in no position to decide at the moment. I told him that if we had a shot, he needed to give me what I needed and that includes answering my questions including whether or not they were safe, how did he find time away from work, where did he get the money, etc." and before he answered, he said "Why do you need to know? Who are you going to tell? Let me look at your phone. I want to see who you are telling. We can continue talking after you show me your phone. You only asking these questions so you can tell everyone and ruin me."
I stood up for myself for the first time and said that I am not ruining him and that this is the result of his actions and he should focus on the people in the room: myself and our daughter. His response? He angrily stated,“ How many times are you going to tell me I did wrong? I know! I screwed up. Want me to say it again? I screwed up. Happy now?” He said that he already admitted he did wrong so asking questions isn't going to help. He said that "You are impossible to talk to " and walks out of the house.
I understand that he finds himself in a corner and people act really crazy when in a corner. I hope that one day he realizes how he made a bad situation worse.
Several of you question how I can love this man. I question myself all the time and question my own sense of self, dependency, and lack of self-respect.
~~Tao Te Ching
You might want to consider limiting how much you talk to him right now, until he owns up to what he has done and is willing to listen to what you need -- without anger. Because many WS make it much worse when they are still in denial, and covering their asses. Some do more harm during the aftermath of Dday than was done with the A.
Lean on us, read when you can handle it, but be sure to eat and get plenty of fluids. The stress will knock you through a loop and you don't want to get sick right now on top of this. Vitamins! Smoothies! Whatever you can stomach. Trying to get the rest and nourishment you need right now is job one.
You said that you told him what you needed (answers) and he dodged, weaved, and smoke-bombed you. AND he got you to address one of his distractors.....*ruining* him......and he successfully re-focused the conversation.
Ignore the mantrums that he's throwing. Stay calm and repeat your statement "if we ha[ve] a shot, [you] need to give me what I need and that includes answering my questions." Only repeat it 2 times....and if he continues to act like an assjack...then end the conversation.
Honey. You don't need to deal with this brain damage. You have a newborn and you have GOT to be exhausted. He's either going to be *with you* or *against you*.....and right now I can't imagine that you have the energy OR the time to deal with anyone that is working *against you*.
You would be well-served to stop feeling sorry for him. He's an adult. He's made his bed and now he has to lie in it -- too bad, so sad if it's uncomfortable as hell. NOT your problem. You're not going out of your way to cause trouble for him so you don't have anything to feel *bad* about. He wasn't worried about *feeling bad* for you when he was cheating on you while you were pregnant, was he? Save your caring/compassion/empathy for IF he stops acting like an entitled asshole. As long as he continues to act as he is right now -- give him the *Heisman*.
(I apologize if my post seems a bit *angry*.....WH's that cheat on the woman that is pregnant with their child make me feel especially stabby.....)
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
You have received excellent advice....now believe it.
Change the game. Go dark on him. 180 on YOUR terms. He doesn't get to call the shots. Give yourself the gift of time and TLC...for as long as you need. He obviously is not going to do this for you.
If you hurt someone like he did to you, what would you do to help that person?
How is he trying to help you feel better and heal? Why is this OK with you?
He is only working on destroying you more to save his sorry ass. Can you see how sick and twisted this is?
Again, I am so sorry. You will get through this, but it wont be easy, but you have the character and strength to do the right things for your baby.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I know exactly how you feel. My son was only 4 months old (I also have a 5 year old) when my XH came home from a business trip and announced out of the blue that he wanted a divorce. He gave me no warning at all. Everything seemed fine until that day. I of course asked if he was having an A and of course he lied and said no. I then busted him about a month later when the whore tried to facetime with him on his ipad. He moved out of our house the next day and moved her from out of state and in with him.
You are in the raw stages right now. I also begged, pleaded, cried, etc. for him to reconsider until I found about the A. Then the anger set in (remember I had a month in between here). I became enraged at him. It was actually a good thing. I went to an attorney and drafted a divorce agreement where he had to pay a huge sum of money on top of child support. His head was so far up his ass with the A, he just wanted me gone to make his whore happy. He agreed to everything with no issues.
My divorce was just finalized and I can honestly say that I'm in a really good place. I know your fears, I was terrified of being a single mom. However, in my case, he traveled so much for work that he was never much help anyway. Also, he takes the kids 9 days per month, so I actually get time to myself. I never had that before. They have to stay with him and OW, which I thought would make me drive off of a cliff at first, but it's been okay. The kids know I'm their mom, no matter how much he tries to push that bitch onto them. She is nice to them at least, mostly because I think she's a little afraid of me.
My point is, I'm about 7 months ahead of you in this horrible path and I can honestly say that I'm happier. I'm closer to my kids, family and friends than I ever was before. My biggest piece of advice is to confide in others. Don't hold this in. I was afraid of being judged or just being embarrassed initially, but people were overwhelmingly supportive. I had so many offers to help with childcare, bringing me dinner, etc. I also got on anti-depressents so I could function and started IC. We never bothered with MC, because the XH never even wanted to try. He just wanted his whore.
I PROMISE that you will get through this. It will probably be the worst thing you'll ever go through, but you'll come out a stronger person on the other end. You are going to be an awesome mom to your dd no matter what happens. If that arsehole wants to cut off contact with his daughter, then he is losing something huge. You are not.
See an attorney right away. Know your rights before you make any decisions. You don't have to D right now if you're not ready. If your WH is willing to do MC, then give it a shot. See a doctor, get some anti-depressants so you can function and start IC for yourself.
[This message edited by newlysingle at 12:02 AM, September 30th (Monday)]
Please see a doctor tomorrow and start some anti-depressants. You need to get yourself at a basic functioning level, before you can deal with this. Having post-partum hormones on top of it all just makes it worse. Call your OBGYN tomorrow and let them know that you are having anxiety/depression. They will get you in ASAP. I know my OBGYN office takes post partum depression very seriously (although I know this wasn't caused by having a baby). I went through my OBGYN and she was so kind about it. I was embarrassed at first, since she had just delivered my son with my doting husband at my side a few months earlier. She was very understanding and also ran a full panel of STD tests. That is another thing you need to do to make sure you are okay.
Once you get some medication and a counselor to talk to, you will at least begin to see what steps you need to take. Right now, you are so raw that you don't know which way is up. I get, I've been there.
My heart so goes out to you. Please lean on your family and friends right now. You are going to need a lot of support, especially with the new baby.
You can do this!!!
He is a great father.
A good person, a person who loves you, cares for you, protects you, helps you, and reveres and helps your & his parents, DOES NOT BEHAVE THIS WAY as he is behaving toward you.
I keep thinking that he can't be that bad for me if he has done these other wonderful things. I know that's crazy to say given what he has done. But I guess these behaviors trump the good stuff.
Believe me, the vomiting will go away after a bit (been there, done that) and hopefully you'll tap into the lava that is just under your surface, and clearheadedly be able to do what's best for you and your little girl--even if it means you'll be a single momma.
You did right by notifying the other spouse even if your husband loses his job.
He needs to put this right.
He broke marital boundaries.
He broke company boundaries.
Now, time to man up and put on his big boy boots and make amends....or continue not manning up and continue blaming others for his problems.
However, his actions are hardly unusual for a WS. My wife let me think i was unfairly suspicious about her affair and behavior for years...and blamed me initially.
What makes you say this?
A great father doesn't destroy his kid's family.
A great father treasures his wife and their new baby.
Sweetie, you are in shock and wanting to go into deep denial. Part of you knows the truth though, because you are here and posting. You cannot wish this away. If you rugsweep this, it will not go away either. There are tons of stories on this site of people that have done this and regret choices they made while in the rugsweeping stage.
Look at reality. And if you cannot see it, ask us. Because our vision is clear and sharp.
Keep coming here. Keep posting.
Which person is really him?
Time will tell.
Your goal is to detach from his behavior.
I want the world to stop so I can catch up.
Ignoring him and focusing on you and the baby is the way to gain peace and clarity. His behavior is making you feel crazy. It's making you sick. You need to get away from him, physically and mentally, so you can stabilize.
Shut him out. Reach out for support IRL. (I like newlysingle's idea of going to your OB/GYN. Doctors have heard way worse, and nothing phases them. They want to help and know how to help.)
If you feel like calling/texting him, come hear and read your thread for strength. There's so much hard won wisdom here!
He is not remorseful, he is not ready to do the hard work, he is not R material. He may get to that point some day, but not now. 180 is your friend. Stay strong for yourself and your daughter.
ETA: I just went back and read what you wrote and it is even worse than I thought. He apparently never said that he was sorry, he just said that he knew that he screwed up. More blame shifting--that "stop making me feel bad about what I did" stuff will not fly.
[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 8:58 AM, September 30th (Monday)]
Remember how he said that because you outed him, he wanted nothing else to do with you OR YOUR DAUGHTER? Good dads would never say this. Great dads would never THINK this. He's not a great dad. Like Hope2B said, however much it feels harsh to say, your WH is a sperm donor at this point. The fact that he could do this to you and your daughter, then say things like that mean, frankly, he's a selfish person who is only concerned for himself - at best.
I'm so sorry. I'm so furious for you. You need to read in The Healing Library about "gaslighting" which is exactly what he's been doing with you throughout this. A person who's remorseful doesn't do this. A person who loves you more than his own issues PUTS YOU FIRST.
There are no exceptions. There are no reasons why someone can choose what your WH has chosen and be a good person or have your interests at heart.
Please read up on the 180. Please put you and your daughter first. He's not going to. He's going to keep hurting you, S.
Be brave. We're all with you. There's nothing he's done that isn't cliche for what anyone who can betray a partner acts out. Truly. We've all seen it.
He's not special. He's not a great dad. He's a cheat and a liar and a bully right now.